Cigars & the Vacationing Tobacco Junkie
Did the Clark W. Griswold thing this past week and took the family on the yearly vacation jaunt. This time it was Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia, home to Busch Gardens Amusement Park and a place rich in American Revolutionary War history. Lots to do in this sweltering heat pit, with daily heat indexes of around 107 and humidity you could slice with a minuteman’s bayonet.
Like a good dad, I pre-planned the trip to a tee, mapping out the attractions, the tours, the restaurants, and the directions. But most importantly of all, I strategically researched perhaps the key spot to make any vacation the very best it can possibly be – the local cigar shop and lounge.
Yeah, I had it planned perfectly – drop the kiddies and the wife off at the park, then head straight for a smoke at the nearest stogie shop. How do I get away with this after a nine-hour car trip, you say? Well, I’ll let you in on a secret… I HATE RIDES. I have ALWAYS hated amusement park rides 
from the time I was five when my dad stuck me on that goddamned roller coaster all by myself as I screamed in terror for what seemed like an eternity. If it were today, I would have called child services on my parents within an instant. But yeah, I have a true disdain for scary carts on metal wheels that hang you inverted over the pavement two miles in the air, then send you spiraling to what seems like certain death. Okay, I mean I’ll do a few rides like the spinning teacups and the kiddie boats where you can blow the horn, but unfortunately that stuff is always in the opposite side of the park from where my death-defying teenagers want to be.
Now the family knows quite well that I’ll not only stay away from the terror-laden so-called fun stuff, but I’ll also bitch about it the whole time while I sit as the family waits on some godforsaken two hour line. Oh, I’ll bitch and I’ll bitch, and I’ll bitch, bitch, bitch until they tell me – I mean order me to stay away from the park. “Go dad… go back to the hotel pool and we’ll see you later!” the family shouts out as I put on the sad face as if I’m going to miss everyone terribly. Yeah, miss them, my ass, as I crank up the pre-programmed gps and head straight for the closest smokatorium.
I always love finding a new cigar shop in virgin territory. Makes me kind of feel like the Jamestown settlers from 1607, except I’m not being attacked by Indians or starving to death (I mean really, have you seen me?) The sights and smells of a newly found walk-in humidor raises the consciousness level to great heights, while perusing the cornucopia of premium sticks is certainly the cigar smokers equivalent of highly erotic foreplay. Sure I’m a weirdo, but you know exactly what the hell I’m talking about.
So I pick out several staogs that I normally can’t find in my area, along with several that are just ridiculously cheaper because of the lower state taxes on tobacco in Virginia. I feel like I’ve made the ultimate score as the cashier rings up my bounty of cigarry goodness. Once I’ve harvested my selections I head to the small lounge of leather thrones as the locals are tossing the bull and trading their manly-esque banter.
“Hey guys, mind if I join in?” I ask, knowing that my Jersey accent is a certain request awaiting for my Joe Pesci, Goodfellas diatribe.
After exchanging pleasantries, the boys dive right in with their thoughts on politics, sports, women, gun control, food, yada, yada, yada. The great thing about cigar lounge prattle is that no one is there for the purpose of problem solving or saving the world, but instead, it’s just a gathering of guys who revel in the fine art of camaraderie.
After a couple hours and two really great smokes, it’s time to go pick up the loved ones at the park so we can go to bed and get ready for the week’s events at Colonial Williamsburg…like more cigar smoking and bullshitting with the locals. It’s a long and weary journey, but somebody has to make the selfless sacrifice.
Man, I just love vacation, don’t you?
Tommy Z.
JR CIGARS Blog With the Zman
July 19th, 2010 at 3:23 am
I’m with you, Zman. I can’t fuggin’ take being whipped around for ten minutes like a rag doll at 900 miles an hour. Not my idea of fun and I have never been on a roller coaster, nor will I ever go on one. The last time I went on one of those stupid whip around rides must have been 20 years ago, when my girlfriend bugged me enough that I relented to go with her. Within 3 seconds of that friggin’ ride starting, I was praying for it to end. And I’m not real religous, you understand? I think my shoulders and forearms finally unclenched about a week ago.Unwittingly,I got her back by making her go on the Ferris Wheel with me. The one amusement ride that I can stand and she hated it. Fear of heights or some crap.
Finding great new ‘gar stores is always a fun time. Glad you could finally ditch the family and get to relax in a manly manner.
July 19th, 2010 at 4:42 am
I love rollercoasters, but your story about getting out to a smoke shop and enjoying a couple sure sounded like fun, too! I tell you, I’d take a vacation just to do that!
July 19th, 2010 at 6:03 am
We were in Orlando the last week of June. Notice I said Orlando and not Disney. The wife and daughter took the grandson to Disney while I stayed at the resort (if yo ever want to be pampered do the World Quest Resorts). I also loathe amusement parks, but for a different reason. I hate to wait in line, I hate the crowds, the food and drink are obscenely overpriced and I don’t need to get heat stroke to have fun. So, like Zman, I found the local cigar lounge and had my own amusement park experience. Also, World Quest provided an enclosed balcony with fan and ash tray in our suite. They also didn’t mind if I lit up at the pool and they have a great pool side bar. My vacation was great and the family had a good time too, just not together.
July 19th, 2010 at 6:04 am
BTW, where are the bikini clad babes?
July 19th, 2010 at 6:22 am
Lou, he went to Williamsburg. Those wimmins were wearing long, colonial lady dresses, not bikinis.
I too, despise roller coasters.
Sounds like you are happy to be out of the 100 degree heat and back home to the A/C chillin’ out.
July 19th, 2010 at 7:05 am
Good point about the wimmins, Darren. NOTHING to see there! Trust me.
July 19th, 2010 at 8:21 am
DinD there’s a water park in Six Flags Williamsburg. I know Zman won’t go to the amusement park, but the water park has some nice lazy tubing rides and milfs in bikinis.
July 19th, 2010 at 8:31 am
Didn’t do the water park. Decided to sweat while looking at guys who sweat even more in their wool coats and vests.
July 19th, 2010 at 10:51 am
Z won’t go to the beach, either. Not after the experience he had with Greenpeace trying to push him back into the water.
July 19th, 2010 at 3:08 pm
That’s cold, brother, cold…
July 19th, 2010 at 8:28 pm
Enjoyed your review of the visit. “…humidity you
could slice with a minuteman’s bayonet”; even
Cotty could appreciate that skillful turn of phrase.
Liked how you maneuvered your family so as to
be able to deposit your sweaty carcass in that cigar shop and lounge, and not only partake of
“premium sticks” from the local area, but also
share your northern wisdom with (I would imagine) southern BOTL.
Nice read, Zman.
July 20th, 2010 at 12:10 am
Thanx O.T.
Even Cotty thanks you.
July 20th, 2010 at 4:31 am
I remember visiting Williamsburg a LONG time ago, and there was a half-hour movie they showed about the colonial period starring Jack Lord. I remember sitting there as a kid thinking, “Hey, it’s Steve McGarrett!”
July 20th, 2010 at 5:37 am
Z,
Did you get to blow the horn on this trip?
July 20th, 2010 at 5:45 am
It amazes me how we made it as a species. Today we bitch and complain about the heat or cold. We have central air/heat and wear light weight clothes in the summer and thermal ones in the winter. Can you image 90-100 degree weather and dressing the way they did in Colonial days? During the Civil War there were often more casualties due to heat stroke then the actual battle. They wore woolen uniforms.
Okay, this morning i stopped in my local cigar lounge for coffee and a smoke. Has anyone else tried the new Perdomo “Nick’s Sticks”. They are a surprisingly good, inexpensive smoke.
July 21st, 2010 at 4:50 am
O.T.’s comment reminded me of an english teacher I had in high school.
July 21st, 2010 at 7:39 am
I heard that guy had a very talented son.
July 21st, 2010 at 10:32 am
Sorry, but my mind is a total blank, and I have nothing to add to the conversation. Although I did like HB’s comment about the beach and Greenpeace.
July 21st, 2010 at 10:55 am
Yeah, but if he was laying on the beach in Japan someone might try to make sushi out of him.
July 21st, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Hey Lou,
Your post brought back memories of when I used
to do the beach thing in Japan way back in 1954.
Had the misfortune of tangling with a large
jellyfish while swimming in the Sea of Japan. It
didn’t make sushi out of me, but it did leave me
with some large welts on my torso.
July 22nd, 2010 at 4:44 am
Sounds painful, KWV. Over here, we occasionally get influxes of Portuguese Man o’ War – small, jellyfish-like creatures that can give a pretty good sting.
July 23rd, 2010 at 7:26 am
How did we get from Z’s vacation to jellyfish? I guess that’s what happens when there’s no boobs pictured!!!
July 24th, 2010 at 6:38 pm
Zman’s vacation, jellyfish, no boobies pictured,
rollercoasters, local cigar lounges, Civil War uniforms
made mostly of wool, and our blog kingpin
-Garfiend- gracing us with his wisdom each and every blog: that’s what makes Zman’s blog such a great read.
Keep ‘em coming, Mr. Thomas
July 25th, 2010 at 1:04 am
While Garfiend is indeed mentally unstable, he does bring a level of jovial Neandrthalism to this stink pit.
July 25th, 2010 at 4:05 am
We’ll be going to NC for vacation next week, and the wife WANTS to go to the JR Outlets in Selma; she saw signs stating that they have towels, and apparentely we need towels. I know where I’ll be!
July 25th, 2010 at 4:26 am
BB, I’ve been to that one a couple of times, and the singles counter in the center of the store is like being a kid in a candy store. And for every 5 you buy, you get a 6th free, as well as I can remember. Enjoy the bounty.