Please…Somebody… Make it Go Away…
It is always hard for the regular everyday, working stiffs like us to understand the mindset of the wackos in Hollywood, and the media that covers the “beautiful people” on a daily basis. You see some of these talentless slugs and media creations and wonder why they are so adorned, and better yet – why the hell they make millions of dollars a year.
This weekend I was in a CVS store, scoping out the magazines, and the covers are usually a pretty good indication of who Hollyweird thinks is hot. First off, it befuddles the mind to great lengths that I found Sarah 
Jessica Parker on the cover of two prominent magazines this month, one being GLAMOUR. If there was ever something that fell under the “Goddamnit, I don’t get it” category, it’s the media’s portrayal of this woman as the pinnacle of charisma and romantic style in our society. Okay, I admit that this is just plain old mean… the god’s honest truth, though… but that woman is one seriously hideous beast. Every time I see that long face and protruding beak I want to feed the bitch a sugar cube and send her out to plow the fields. The big star of Sex in the City is one of the unsexiest chicks I have ever seen and even Maxim Magazine voted her number one in that terribly offensive category. Madonna also appeared very high on that list and for good reason. Oofah. What the hell do the so-called beauty experts see that make us regular folk want to hurl our Chalupas?
Then there’s the infamous Jon & Kate fiasco that still dominates the media rags. Okay, she’s not bad to look at, but HE is a roaring turd whose 15 minutes of fame is so log overdue to be snuffed out. This blow-hole keeps saying it’s time to grow up, but it’s his immature, fifth grade antics that have slaughtered the golden goose. Supposedly the show has ended because Jon the jackass doesn’t want his kiddies on camera anymore because it’s “bad” for them. Funny how he came up with that deduction “after” the network tossed his sorry ass off the show. So why are these people still I the magazine aisle? Because America needs serious help, that’s why.
Say, did you know that Oprah is a fattie, again? The mag covers don’t lie, as the Queen of all TV has been dipping into the Little Debbies once more. She’s goes from rail to whale so much that her mirror-mirror on the wall must be awfully confused after all these years. Just what the hell does this hog-jowled harpie have to say that is so important? Why do woman mindlessly follow her like lemmings of a rocky cliff? Her show is going to end, but now the ruler of mindless house fraus everywhere will have her own network of estrogen based programming. “I don’t get the Oprah Effect and I will NEVER get it,” is truly an understatement of massive proportions.
Now a person that is getting her 15 minutes is Jillian Michaels from the Biggest loser. She’s got a chick’s tight body and a harsh and hideous man-face. She’s far from beautiful and she’s not a licensed anything, but she’s now lecturing on PBS about woman’s health.
Hannah Montana … please somebody make it stop. Please somebody tell her achy-breaky daddy to stop force-feeding his over acting, no talent, media creation down our children’s gullible little throats.
Michael Jackson – STILL on one out of every three covers and each photo is scarier than the next. Let this guy die in peace for crissakes. He obviously led a tortured life and the media continues to serve him up from the grave.
I saw Al Gore-knob on one of the rags talking about the movie 2012. After all, he is the purveyor of doom as he force-feeds his greens to the Prius driving believers of the apocalypse. If ever someone is full of super charged Shinola, it’s uncle Al and his cottage industry of ozone death and destruction. Remember, the big guy gets like a quarter mil to speak for a half an hour. Do you blame him for believing in his own fecal fallacy?
Damn, enough is enough. I don’t get it, you don’t get it, and none of us regular folk will never really get it. But the reality swill will continue to rear it’s ugly keester as long as Chloe Kardashian, and Jessica Simpson continue to do seriously stupid shit in their lives. And, did Sarah Palin leave the room yet? Lord, help us all.
The answer… snip, light, and smoke your favorite cigar. Having your head in a cloud of smoke is better than having it up your ash, like the American drivel drinking public.
Thank you, and may God bless,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman
December 7th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Sarah Jessica Parker has the face of a horse. No doubt about it. In fact i had to do a double take to make sure which one was the horse. None of the women on Sex in the City were worth a second look (and yes, I don’t think Kim Catrall is a looker).
As to Jon and Kate. Really Zman have you seen photos of her from early on. The make-up people work miracles on that woman.
What do you mean Oprah’s a fatty again. It’s just a matter of how fat she is now. That woman has never seen a piece of cake she didn’t like.
Jackson dead. Nuff said. Gore should be dead, he’s never really done anything of note.
December 7th, 2009 at 6:18 am
All righty, then!
December 7th, 2009 at 6:55 am
This week it snowed earlier than it ever has here, and the global average temperature has dropped about a degree in the last 5 years, yet Al Gore and his idiot followers keep preaching about global warming. Personally, I think we’re heading toward another ice age. Before long, Zman will be killing wooly mammoths in New Jersey, instead of just busting up beaver dams.
Y’all better move to Texas, Florida, or Arizona with Cotty while you can still get out!
December 7th, 2009 at 7:59 am
none of them gals can hold a candle to a certian french-canadian love muffin that shows up around here every once in a while… ohhhh laaa laaa.
i ignore all that tabloid sht. my ex-wife, (g_d rest her soul) used to read all of that crap. i would come home to a house that looked like a disaster area, phil on the tube, overflowing ashtray, scattered coke cans, a stack of those things and kids outa control.
and people wonder why i am like i am…
oh and z-man, lets get your shit together and post your drivel on time from now on, okay?
and no more pictures of skanks please. sjp is ugly enough to make a strait man gay.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:12 am
I get all that I need to know about most of these folks when I’m in the check-out line at the local Stop & Shop.
It gives me something to do while waiting in line to give up my hard earned cash for a few pretzels and anchovies.
I do miss the World Weekly News, though. They were, by far, the best.
I mean, how many farmers do you know who have shot a 300 pound grasshopper? And we all know, for sure, that Hillery got it on with that alien with the big head.
December 7th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I agree that SJP is not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I will say that she looked SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better with straight hair than with that GAWD-AWFUL curly perm she sometimes wore. JEEZ, that was UGLY!!!. And scary.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Zman, get ready now for ALL TIGER ALL THE TIME!! With the way his ho of the week club is growing, you ain’t gonna be able to avoid seeing his mug on the cover of all of those rags for months.
P.S. TIGER IS FINISHED!! HE IS FINISHED FOR GOOD!!!
December 8th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Tiger is like the new O.J.! He’ll be in the tabloids forever now! HAIL TIGER!
December 8th, 2009 at 1:38 am
No wonder he always had this smug, cat that ate the canary look on his face all the time. I never cared for the guy because he was such a pompous ass, and now he’s getting screwed instead of doing the screwing.
December 8th, 2009 at 2:59 am
Yes, it certainly is good to see the haughty Mr. Woods go SPLAT!!!, right on his face. Never liked him, never will.
P.S. TIGER IS FINISHED FOR GOOD NOW!!!
December 8th, 2009 at 3:12 am
The king is dead! Long live Phil, Ernie, Vijay, and Furyk.
December 8th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Hey Darren, Tiger is like the new OJ… he just stabs white women in an entirely different way.
December 8th, 2009 at 5:08 am
Tiger stabs them with his skin knife.
P.S. HE’S FINISHED!!!
December 8th, 2009 at 6:53 am
if ya all could get that kinda poon, like the tiger is getting, ya all would be on it in a new york minute. as it is ya have to settle for the internet and a bottle of jurgen’s lotion…….
remember, his mother is from thailand, aint it? do you think he got his daddie’s dick genes or the ones from his momma’s side? if from his momma’s side, there are gonna be some disapointed women….
December 8th, 2009 at 8:00 am
How much is half a billion dollars?
December 8th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Plus child support.
December 8th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Remember, he’s only 25% black, so his driver may not be that long.
December 8th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
uhm, z-mzn, do you read what people write, or are you much to important? that is what i said in a more tactfull way…
December 8th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Although Zman may have read what you wrote, Moochie, there is no reason to suspect that he comprehended it.
December 8th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
What bothers me about this whole thing is the term “scandal.” This is NOT a scandal. And really, who the hell really cares if Tiger is banging a bunch of hot chicks? It is only a “scandal” because that word had been misused, and it draws so much attention.
Leave him be. Let people screw who they will.
December 8th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
What bothers me about this whole thing is the term “scandal.” This is NOT a scandal. And really, who the hell really cares if Tiger is banging a bunch of hot chicks? It is only a “scandal” because that word had been misused, and it draws so much attention.
Leave him be. Let people screw who they will.
December 8th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
You posted that twice so that even Zman could understand it?
December 9th, 2009 at 12:31 am
Naw, he just really wants people to be able to screw whoever they want to without making a federal case out of it. It’s not against the law, even if the law can let his old lady take half his stuff for doing it.
December 9th, 2009 at 2:34 am
I don’t know why I posted twice, but maybe we can make a scandal out of it.
December 9th, 2009 at 3:50 am
you would think with all of our help zman would be a far better writer than he is…
December 9th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Could you imagine what this blog would look like if he didn’t have his 8 year old proofread it for him?
December 9th, 2009 at 5:42 am
I want somebody somewhere to make plastic surgery go away. Michael Jackson was extreme in a freakish sort of way. But so is Joan Rivers. And so is Dick Clark.
And WTF! Mrs. Cotty dragged me to see some movie w/ what’s-her-face – Jesse James’ squeeze – oh yeah, Sandra Bullock. DOUBLE-YEW, TEE, EFF!!!! Seriously. She was a FINE specimen of womanhood, and then she did something. I friggin’ hate that. I don’t know WHAT she had done, but whatever it was, she doesn’t look right, now. Hale Berry is another one. KNOCK IT THE EFF OFF!!!
It’s not just the wimmins either. W.T.F. with Kenny Rogers. Good God – he looks like a different guy! And how ’bout Burt Reynolds? The list goes on and on – male and female. Knock it the hell off! For the majority, it seems like it turned out WORSE.
Now Zman? I’d say go for it, because there ain’t no way in hell it’s gonna get any worse if they do plastic surgery on THAT mug! LMAO!!!
December 9th, 2009 at 5:55 am
There is so much awful plastic surgery done on celebs that you have to wonder if any of them own a mirror. Some of them are just creepy looking after they get cut.
December 9th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Although Zman couldn’t get any creepier looking if he was covered in blood sucking leeches.
December 9th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Keep the compliments coming, fellas.
December 9th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
You are dumber than a potted plant, but you may be smarter than a box of rocks. Maybe.
December 10th, 2009 at 1:14 am
HMMMM, a box of rocks. I imagine it would depend on whether you’re talking about igneous, metamorphic, or sedimentary. Perhaps Zman is a new type of rock. A sedentary ignomorphic rock.
December 10th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Or perhaps he is my favorite kind of sedimentary rock, Wackestone – a matrix-supported carbonate sedimentary rock. Yeah, I think Wackestone is appropriate.
December 10th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
I heard that Zman Wacks it on a daily basis, so that sounds right.
December 11th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
KWV at last awakens from a long slumber where he has been traveling the peaceful countryside of Japan in his dreams ready to go back on midnight radio watch to listen for any of our ships and the enemy vessels reporting from Korean waters.
This eighteen year old enlistee faced the enemy daily, then, listening to his lies and propaganda. And he and his fellow navy buddies were able do their small part by countering the hype and falsehood being sent out over the airwaves with the truth of what was really taking place.
You pause and say what’s that all about – Zman, in today’s blog has portrayed a new and perhaps more devious enemy, one who will not be denied his insidious victory.
“….I saw Al Gore-knob on one of the rags talking about the movie 2012. After all, he is the purveyor of doom as he force-feeds his greens to the Prius driving believers of the apocalypse. If ever someone is full of super charged Shinola, it’s uncle Al and his cottage industry of ozone death and destruction. Remember, the big guy gets like a quarter mil to speak for a half an hour. Do you blame him for believing in his own fecal fallacy?”
What can you do when someone refuses to debate and walks away from all questions saying, “No further discussion needed; there’s no need for any further comment -global warming’s a given. Sixteen thousand scientists can’t be wrong and remember, the polar bears are drowning…”
Fifty-seven years ago the enemy was from North Korea, about two hundred fifty miles from
my naval base. Today an enemy (and he is the
enemy, replete with an agenda of climatological
falsehoods envisioning doom for the planet) is ensconced in his mansion, also several hundred miles away.
But what can an aged veteran do? That was then; this is now. And this is not wartime……………or is it?!
December 11th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
That’s a hell of a triumphant return, KMV… kind of like our very own McArthur.
I have a pal on a board at a famous upscale university. The Obambam administration has hired them to find concrete proof for global warming in order to back that fat-headed Goreknob. My friend told me that their science department has stretched the data as far as humanly possible and still CAN NOT give concrete proof about Uncle Al’s doomsday dogdoo.
Keep your watch, sailor.
December 12th, 2009 at 1:25 am
Like I said before, we just had the earliest snow on record here in Houston, where it used to snow maybe once a generation! Oh yeah, and I believe last year, it snowed a lot in Los Angeles. Now that’s global warming proof for you.
RIGHT!?
January 24th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
[...] JR Cigar blog with ZMAN » Blog Archive » Please…Somebody… Make it … [...]