Men are from Mars, Women are from Somewhere Else
“Woman… can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.”
- Flounder, Animal House
In the late 1990’s, author John Gray wrote a mega best selling hit entitled: Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. The idea was that if the opposites sexes began to treat one another like we were from different planets, we would co-exist quite nicely here on this earthly plain. Gray claims that us men fail in our relationships because we attempt to fix a woman’s problems with our off the cuff, unemotional suggestions. He says that women don’t want answers – they want empathy – they want us to show that we understand how they feel and that we are there for them. Well, I think the author is the one who is from another galaxy because I have NO f@#king idea how a woman feels and I will NEVER understand then for as long as I live.
You guys know that I work from home and I don’t have the need to dress up or look presentable for anyone during the course of the day. For the longest time my wife would complain when she got home from her job that I looked like a slob and why can’t I look nice for her when she comes home. Last week we go to Kohl’s department store and she picks out a bunch of really nice shirts for me for the summer. So Friday I have a nice crisp golf shirt on, new jeans and shoes. The wife comes home, walks past my office, looks at me and snarls, “Why are you wearing your new stuff? You’re going to get food on them and turn them into crap within a week!”
For months she bitched that I dressed like a street urchin, and now I look nice and she bitched that I’m going to ruin my new clothes. All a man can do is throw his arms into the air and let out a hearty, “WTF?!”
Now my wife is ALWAYS telling me I’m fat, I look like a slob, and every other thing she can possibly kill me over. She basically acts more like my mother than my spouse. I never say anything bad to her because then I’m even more of a P.O.S. than usual. But this past weekend I threw out a zinger that I knew would wreak havoc. We were in the mall and I was waiting in the food court (yes, getting fatter by the minute on gyros, pizza, and Taco Hell) when she finally showed up with a sundress for our son’s 8th grade graduation. She asked if I liked the black one she picked out, or should she look at a lighter color. Well, the set up was there and I lobbed the girl an ugly-ass, off-speed curveball…
“I’d go for the black because it will cover that gut of yours a lot better.”
Yeah, that’s right Cotty, you horse’s ass, I REALLY DID say that. Holy Jezuz H. Christmas, I thought the gal was going to melt into an emotional puddle of goo right there in front of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.
“I’m fat? I look fat? I really look that bad?” she whimpered like a bruised lil’ school girl.
“I’m just kidding honey,” I assured her. “I just thought it was a funny thing to say.”
Now, my wife is attractive and in good shape. She exercises and works hard to stay fit. She’s not fat at all, but I knew the pain that my off-hand remark would inflict, and after all the verbal beatings I have taken for SO LONG, it was time to have a little harmless fun. Well, harmless to me.
We walk no more than two minutes, and as we pass those annoying bastards in the T-Mobile booth, the wife turns to me and says, “You know, I think I look pretty good for my age.” I replied, “Of course you do.”
As we approached the knock-off designer sunglasses kiosk a minute later, she says, “You’ know, I’m not a kid anymore.” I said, “I know that.” She then says, “I can’t help it if I have a little more than I used to.” I replied, “I know you can’t.”
When we get inside the car, there is dead silence as she just stares aimlessly like her favorite kitten was devoured by a pit bull. I look at her, grab her wrist and say in a loud voice, “YOU’RE NOT FAT FOR CRISSAKES!”
“You think I’m fat and ugly.”
“No, I think you’re an oversensitive woman who breaks my balls for sport, but I make one stupid comment and you turn into a gelatinous blob of puke.” Good Lord. “Get a grip, woman, I was only kidding and you deserve a good shot once in a while”
“Tonight I start my diet. I’m also going to walk and extra mile each day. Do you think I should do crunches?”
It was an amazing little exchange that lasted well into the next day. She even told my daughter that I said she was a fat whale and needed to lose a lot of weight. I’m not one for pushing a person’s buttons, but this was downright bizarre. And the funny thing is, she wasn’t mad at me for the remark – she was saddened by it. Suddenly I felt so powerful, kind of like that wizard behind the curtain. And as much as my wife bats my skull in on a regular basis, I felt bad… well, maybe not all that bad.
Have a great week, my peeps. Btw, right now I’m wearing a cigar t-shirt that the Mrs. hates and my most blessed and holiest of boxer shorts. But don’t worry I’ll change into something nice and get yelled at a little later on.
Damed if ya do, and damned if ya don’t.
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
This is kind of dissapointing, it looks like Mrs Z summed it up nicely.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
maybe next week’s blog will be worth reading
June 15th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
don’t bet on it, duckboy….
June 15th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Damnation! You’re one evil f*@# Z! Holy crap! I mean, the woman’s only telling you the truth, and then you retaliate by smashing her ‘nads with a 500 lb anvil?!??
The poor woman… Not only does she hafta put up with a schlub like you, but then you beat her down like that! God, she must need comforting! She needs validation. She needs to know that she still attracts men.
So, suggest to her that she needs some pics. Neck down. Nekkid. Send ‘em to me.
Thanks.
LOL!
Seriously – if she’s really telling you you’re a slob and so on… Well, that’s not good. I *DID* get a chuckle out of your “emotional puddle of goo” and “whimpered like a bruised lil’ school girl” descriptors. That, and your grammatical errors.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
we should get to pick the topics for Zman’s blog. next week, he should write about something interesting. maybe it could be about why men have nipples, even though they don’t nurse children
June 15th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
…and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Zman write the blog and Garfiend does not write the blog. Lew Rothman is a wise man.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
If I wrote it, it couldn’t be less interesting than this blog
June 15th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Garfiend, WTF would you know about relations with a woman, you spooge guzzling turd collector. Today’s blog was for men who have actually seen a woman naked and not spent the last 800 weekends searching for XMEN number 94 at garage sales and comic conventions.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
gee, don’t take everything so personally, Zman
June 15th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Z, you dumb mother f—er. You should know that it is a womyn’s job to crush a man’s balls, but we never, NEVER get the opportunity to do so (even if it were to be true).
Did you tell her she was a terrible lay, too? You might as well, since you ain’t gettin’ any anytime soon . . . .
June 15th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
… a terrible lay! LOL
Tell her you fake ‘em all.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Garfiend, you’re more sensitive than my wife, ya fruit.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
I can’t help it if I have the soul of an artist, Zman.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
“I’d go for the black because it will cover that gut of yours a lot better.”
Oh man, I’d be SO dead if I said that. That took nads of stone to utter that line. Nicely done.
Are you sleeping in the garage or basement?
June 15th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
‘Fiend has soul.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
“nads of stone”?!?
Nope. I’d say a head full of stones. As soon as those words are uttered, you are in doodoo. No ifs, ands, or guts about it.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
What kind of unsensitive moroness made you think it would be a FUNNY thing to say??????????????? Are you DRUKE dammit ?…shit…you’d be SOooooooooooooo dead….
I won’t comment anymore.
For ya’ll others, here is my very first audio review about a cigar I didn’t really liked, but had fun smoking anyway… A Mosaico Cameroon Perfecto (these are Don Tomas seconds I think, once issued by Famous but no more) :
http://s189.photobucket.com/albums/z175/emeraldcan/?action=view¤t=Audioreview.flv
June 15th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
WTF!!!!! If I ever said anything close to that my wife would cut my balls off then stomp on them just to make sure they couldn’t be put back in.
As to the clothes thing. During the cooler weather I’m a jeans, flannel shirts, and sneakers person. In the warm weather it’s shorts, t-shirts and sandals. My wife hates the way I normally dress. Well one day I decided that I’d do “office casual”. You’d have thought the world was going to end. I was accused of getting dressed up to meet another woman. The accusations were flying left and right. That’ll teach me to ever change the way I look.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Darren_in_Detroit Says:
Are you sleeping in the garage or basement?
In the doghouse, obviously. The dog gets Zman’s place in the bed, and his pillow.
Fiend,
Let me know if you need X-Men #94. I also have issues ~140 on. 211, 212,& 213 are especially coveted.
For Zman, I have a complete 1st run of Lady Death, which as far as he’s concerned is his wife’s new name.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Guys, she never got mad at me for a second.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Hell no she didn’t get mad – she’s fixin’ to get EVEN!
June 15th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Get even…bro, after 20 years together she is SO FAR AHEAD that it would be just another notch in her holster.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Now are those “holiest” of boxer shorts “holiest” because you covet them, or because they are full of holes?
June 15th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Oh, Lucie. I love your voice. I’m going to be playing back that line, “Not on the tongue, not on the lips, but IN the mouth” over and over again in my head.
Oh, and it was a great review!
June 15th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Men are from Mars,
And Wimmin from Venus.
So shut your damned mouth,
And suck on my, uh… Nevermind!
This is a PG-13 blog, right?
June 15th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
zman, ifn i woulda said that to my wife my dead skinned carcas would be hanging on the fence as a warning to her next husband.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
LucIE — do I hear phones in the background . . . you’re at work, aren’t you? You’re giving a cigar review while on the clock!
(and I love the accent . . . what a wonderful voice)
June 15th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
*blushing* thanks… that’s just the power of the french accent.
And it was LEGALLY made on my lunch time. My office is next to the call center and we are in a very busy period so the phones ring a HUGE lot.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:16 am
lucie, i am not going to tell you what i had to do after hearing your review, let’s just say i’m glad no one was around because i had my hands full…
June 16th, 2009 at 2:26 am
Do not tell me you HAD to smoke a Mosaico Cameroon… !!!!!
Shhhheeet…look at that…3:10 am and I cannot sleep… I HATE when that happens ! Zman should offer a night chat for insomniacs….
June 16th, 2009 at 5:26 am
trying to chat with Zman would sure be the ultimate cure for insomnia, Lucie. LMAO!!!!
June 16th, 2009 at 10:03 am
I am not sure LucIE would want to talk to Z, as Z would probably find some “fault” with her and then proceed to point it out.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:27 am
He’d call her “fat” and the fight would be soooo on!
June 16th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
as if Zman is the perfect model of masculine perfection?
June 16th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Would there be an imperfect model of perfection?
June 16th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
if there is, it’s gotta be him
June 16th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
not that he’d read that. the fugger never shows up here anymore
June 16th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
No, he’s the perfect model of imperfection.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
so he’s got that goin’ for him….
June 16th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
about the only thing, where IS that fat, uhm, person anyway?
cotty, don’t ever say or think that lucie is fat…
duckboy, are we still boycotting, or are we gonna have to take it to the next level?
June 16th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Learn to read you dufus. It’s Zman that would be saying Lucie is fat, okay?
I know it’s hard for you, but try to keep up. Boy.
Sheesh!
June 16th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
(Hint – Zman was the guy that said his wife was fat. It’s up there near the top.)
June 16th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
pay attention, boy, don’t use lucie and fat in the same sentence.
and to reinterate, don’t use the name of a woman and fat in the same sentence, especialy if you aint married to them, less trouble that way…
June 16th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Let’s make ONE thing clear here : Lucie IS fat. But also sexy and cute and witty and clever and wise !
June 16th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
you are right 5 outa 6, lucie.
you aint fat girl, you are rubenesque…
the way i look at it is like this, unless you are sleeping with the woman, no man can say any woman is fat. she should be able to plot retribution…
AND i aint dropped the hammer on the anal retetive boy in awhile, i don’t want him to get soft….
June 16th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
H O O T E R S ! ! !
Everybody should be singing this song by the end of the week.
In unison now . . .
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3b1e3750e2/99-words-for-boobs-from-amcc
June 16th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
I WANT BOOBIES!!!!!!
June 17th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Zman seems to be the only one boycotting his own blog these days, Moochie. That would be ironic if it didn’t involve Zman. With him, it’s just senseless. LMAO!!!!
June 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
to early for a beer, duckboy?
June 18th, 2009 at 10:08 am
It’s never too early for a beer, Moochie.
A toast to Zman’s boycott of his own blog!! LMAO!!!
June 18th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
What kind of beer? Pearl, Lone Star, or Shiner?
Hint: Shiner is made at the small, German, Spoetzl brewery in Shiner, TX. Highly recommended if you can ever find any. Most likely Shiner Bock, but they also make Blonde (the original German Lager), Hefeweisen, Light (which really isn’t, and really has flavor), Winter and Summer ales, depending on the season, and 100 (named for the years they’ve been open).
June 18th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
none of the above
June 18th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
more like Sierra Nevada, Brooklyn, Saranac, Stone, Avery, North Coast, Bear Republic, Left Hand, Long Trail, Lagunitas, etc….
June 18th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
mmmmmmmm, lone star…
but shiner bock is outstanding, IF you like bock beer.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I keep hearing about Shiner Bock all over the place, but have never been able to find it. Will definitely have to keep looking, judging by the positive comments it’s gotten on this board, too.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
brian, if you like bock beers, this is one of the better ones. almost as good as the ones in germany. i get a 6 pack or 2 every year.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Okay, I guess this can go under WTF or Get A Life:
Our friends at PETA have issued a statement saying that they are disappointed in Pres Obama for “executing” a fly during an interview. I guess that makes me, as far as flies go, a genocidal maniac.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Flies stand NO CHANCE in this house.
I even have one of those electric bug kiillers in my back yard. I love the ZAPPING sound it makes!!!
June 18th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Okay, now I’d have a reason to go to an amusement park:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX6QBOcSur0&feature=player_embedded
June 19th, 2009 at 11:00 am
We’re doing the Father’s Day thing Saturday, with my folks, our kids, nieces and nephews and their kids over, and I got my wife to agree to make spaghetti (one of her best dishes) instead of my having to cook steaks for all those people.
But best of all, on Sunday, the REAL Father’s Day, I can actually do whatever the hell I want without having to deal with relatives!!! Swim, drink fruity summer drinks, smoke cigars and watch whatever sports is on, probably the U.S. Open, if Tiger isn’t in contention or the lead. If he is, I won’t watch, because they never shut up about him. And his caddy is the most obnoxious twit, twat, a$$hole, etc I’ve ever seen.
Anyway, I’ll be able to do what I want and have fun on Father’s Day, which is what it’s all about.
Happy Father’s Day to all of y’all out there. Hope you get to enjoy it.
June 19th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Happy Father’s Day to you, rl7 and to the rest of the dads on the board.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Thanks on behalf of all the Dads on here Hawaiian Brian.
June 21st, 2009 at 8:23 am
Happy father’s day, guys.
May the cigars smoke well.
May the hooch be numbing.
May the nookie be plentiful.
May the blog tomorrow be funny.
ok. so we can’t have it all.