Smart, My Ash
You ugly little son of a bitch. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you, ya tiny turd… you, you friggin’ fidget on wheels. You think you’re so damned smart, don’t you?
I drove past a Smart Car on the weekend and couldn’t believe this ballsy little half pint was zipping along Route 80 with the big boys of the interstate. In fact, I threw a paper clip at it, trying to knock it over, but the little bastid just laughed and kept on going. Then I tossed a 
handful of loose change and half a half eaten sandwich at it, but it held it’s ground. I then opened my door and farted and as you can imagine, it did give the driver a good scare.
The Smart Car is what gives the Al Gore’s of the world a perpetual woody. It is the green geekazoid’s chariot of triumph. At 8 feet long, five feet wide and five feet high, this hideous looking glorified golf cart is all the rage for the crowd that harasses whaling vessels while sucking down tofu smoothies during lunch break. At 1,500 pounds it gets around 70 miles to a gallon and is all the rage in Europe. But of course those tight little cobblestone streets are made for such a ride, not the big bad American super highways.
The guy who invented Swatch Watches was bored one day and came up with the idea for this diminutive doo-hickey. Sure, it’s fuel efficient and good for the ozone, but it’s without question, one big rolling can of chick repellent. I love old muscle cars like Corvettes, Mustangs, Camaros, Firebirds, Challengers, 
Chargers, Dusters, etc. I love the look, the feel, and the power. And chicks dig a dude in a 454, plain and simple. They don’t dig 50 horsepower. The ladies go gaga over eight-cylinder super-charged beasts. They don’t get all hot and bothered by three-cylinder wimps. I sincerely ask you – how the hell are you gonna get laid in that toaster with wheels? First off, no self-respecting hottie would be caught dead dating a dud in that oversized Partridge Family lunchbox. And secondly, there just ain’t enough room to bump and grind by the dashboard light. I want a lady who’s turned on by muscle and might, not fiscal and environmental responsibility. Why not just put a bumper sticker on the back that says, “I have a small dick, too.”
Save the Earth? How about saving your self worth? Any real red-blooded American male is not going to be seen behind the wheel of one of those teenie-weenie, Euro machine-ees. And guess what? These little punk-ass vehicles ain’t cheap, either. There’s three models and the base starts at around $12,000 with the high-end model topping out at around seventeen grand! Are these people kidding? You could probably juice up a riding lawn mower and save yourself fifteen thousand. At least attach a couple of rotating blades under the damned thing so you can earn a few extra bucks cutting lawns in your neighborhood. Jezuz H Christmas, man.
Now, supposedly the crash ratings are pretty good on these uglified autos, but how’d you like to drive between a couple of Mac Trucks in that rolling bucket of doom? Something tells me nailing a squirrel at 30 miles an hour would F that mini gas can up something awful. I wonder in the winter if you can pop the wheels off and snap sled runners on.
I simply cannot endorse these ass-wipe automobiles. I’m a man who loves ice hockey, beer can chicken, full-bodied cigars, full-bodied females, and I believe you can put bacon on anything and it will taste better. Why just a few months back I tore a god damned beaver damn apart with my bare hands, for crissakes. There is no way in hell I will compromise my role as a manly creature by getting behind the wheel of one of those gaudy little go-carts. NFW. No way, no how, uh-huh. It just ain’t smart.
Have a Swell Week,
Tommy Z.
JR CIGARS Blog With the Zman
April 13th, 2009 at 2:46 am
Nice rant, Zman, and you hit the nail right on
the head. Those gaudy l’il bastards are even
making the scene in my little backwoods town.
In the parking lot of our local supermarket the the kids have found a new plaything to put
their hands all over as they probe for whatever
it is that makes them the the latest eye candy.
And the resident rednecks just love to do tail-
gate boogie with them, when the sheriff’s crew is nowhere in sight.
Guess with all the Al Gore Save-the-Earth type plusses (?) they’re here to stay.
The closest I ever came to owning one of these
was my $2500. 1965 Volkswagen Beetle, way back when gas was less than .30 cents a gallon.
April 13th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Is it bad that purposely try to drive bad when I’m near one of these cars on the road?
Maybe merge in front of them a little close or follow from behind with my CHEVY (sorry DiD) logo filling their rear view mirror.
I’d love to see a video of a crash test with this car.
April 13th, 2009 at 7:21 am
If they are called Smart Cars, it’s no wonder that Zman can’t handle them. LMAO!!!
April 13th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Ah! As usual, Fiend – concise and to the point!
Anybody notice tha Z posted this last night?
April 13th, 2009 at 8:14 am
I cannot stand those little Smart Cars. They remind me of lady bugs (the insect not the VW
) They is no way a man can call himself a man and drive one of those.
Speaking of men…’Fiend still boycotting?
April 13th, 2009 at 8:43 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ju6t-yyoU8s
Smart Car at the Test Track
April 13th, 2009 at 8:54 am
My first car was an 8-cylinder 1968 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. It was the best car ever, and I miss it very much.
April 13th, 2009 at 9:28 am
My first car was a Ford Maverick, one of the foulest things on four wheels.
F the Smartass car.
April 13th, 2009 at 10:05 am
LMAO @ the ‘Fiend!
Z -
There’s this new thing out there you should try. It’s called “Google”. And using this new tool, you would discover that the 2009 smart fortwo coupe is EPA rated at 33 MPG City/41 MPG Hwy. Even a tiny amount of effort would have quickly revealed that the 2009 Toyota Prius is a far, far more fuel efficient vehicle (48 MPG City/45 MPG Hwy).
It’s sad that you lack sufficient self-confidence to drive whatever you want. “Real men” drive whatever vehicle makes the most sense for them. For example, a coupla years ago, I bought a Geo Metro for $1,000, in which I’ve drive about 20,000 miles to and from work. My 37 MPG average fuel economy has been pretty sweet, as have the filling station visits, which run in the $13-$15 range these days. Back when gas was in excess of $4 gallon, I was spending around $32-$35 for a fill up while the gas hog behemoth SUV drivers were pouring $70-$100+ into their tanks.
Now, to be clear, I don’t dis driving whatever you want. I also own a 1966 Chevy longbed fleetside pickup with a gas-guzzlin’ hopped up V8 that gets 11 MPG. That’s 11 MPG City, 11 MPG Hwy, 11 MPG goin’ uphill, and 11 MPG headed downhill with a tailwind. That one, I drive like I stole it. The Geo, I drive slow and easy.
Now, back to bustin’ on ya, Z. With all this extra time you’ve got, why can’t you get your facts straight? The smart car doesn’t weigh 1,500 lbs. The smart fortwo weighs 1,800 lbs. It doesn’t have 50 horsepower – it has 70 horses. It has a top speed of 90 MPH, and a 0-60 of 12.8 seconds. And regarding the safety of the car, it actually rates pretty favorably, when you consider its diminutive proportions.
- In government frontal crash testing, the 2008 Smart Fortwo coupe
achieved four out of five stars for driver protection and three stars for
passenger protection.
– It achieved a perfect five-star rating for side crash protection.
– In Insurance Institute for Highway Safety testing, the Fortwo earned a
perfect rating of “Good” for both frontal-offset and side-impact safety.
Now, as for your statement about chicks digging a guy drivin’ a car with a big-honkin’ 454… The 454 is a huge pile of crap engine that never delivered the goods. It’s an unreliable pig of a motor that put out mediocre horsepower and torque in relation to its unquenchable thirst. Chicks today dig hotrods retrofitted with a computer-controlled RamJet 502, which puts out far more horsepower, a ton of twisting power, with vastly superior throttle response and better mileage and much improved longevity and reliability.
Geeze… Why do I always hafta correct you so much, Zman? I’m tellin’ ya – you oughta try Google once in a while.
April 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I’m not sure what Cotty said but…..
My first car was a red ‘64 corvair (unsafe at any speed) with black leather interior and a red dome light. Why did I ever sell that?
April 13th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Cotty, there’s a thing people use for humor purposes referred to as “tongue in cheek.” You should see what it’s all about. You might bring a little fun into your anally driven life.
And hey, how’z about reading this article that was near the top of the list in my GOOGLE search! Gosh…
http://auto.howstuffworks.com/smart-car.htm
From the article…
And, • The Smart Car’s designers also gave it a three-cylinder engine that provides enough power because the car only weighs about 1500 pounds
• Only the Pure, the low-end model, is available with a 50-horsepower engine. All three are available with a 61-horsepower engine – Both the 50- and 61-hp engines are three cylinder engines.
• In city driving, the Fortwo gets a reported 46.3 mpg, while highway driving is an even more impressive 68.9 mpg.
• The 61-hp engine can go from zero to 60 mph in about 15 seconds, while top speed is electronically limited to 84 mph for the driver’s safety. (Cars as small and light as the Fortwo become very unstable at high speeds.)
Geeze… Why do I always hafta come back with stuff that makes you look like a nitpitcking, whiney little anally retentive woman.
It’s sad that you lack sufficient self-confidence to drive something that will get you laid.
April 13th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Oh yeah, I almost forgot… blow me.
April 13th, 2009 at 10:38 am
D Fan -
I said Z should pull his head out and actually CHECK a few facts before he posts the blog. I said I was confident enough in my manhood to drive a Geo Metro. I said the 454 Zman worships was a shitty engine, and that the 502 is WAY better.
If that’s not brief enough for ya, D Fan, I’ll sum it up for ya in three words…
Zman’s a dork.
April 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am
True friendship between two guys….man-love, if you will, is a beautiful thing. I think Z and cotty would be much happier if the rest of us would stay out of it.
April 13th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Agreed. I’m going to lunch.
April 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Give me this big, brawny son of a bitch over the Lilliputian POS any day of the week.
http://www.santiagosc.com/auctions/Auction%20Cars%20Tulsa%2007/1973%20Corvette%20151.jpg
April 13th, 2009 at 11:57 am
My first car was a 66 VW bug that my dad gave me. My cousin Vince owned a garage and we basically overhauled that bitch. Dropped out the engine, transmission and rear axle removed all of the wiring (6 volt) and replaced everything with a Porsche 911 pancake engine, tranny and new electrical system. You’d love the looks I got blowing away cars with that little monster. My next car was a 72 Chevy Impala coup with the big V-8. the advantage to this car was also the large bench style back seat.
The saddest day of my life (car wise) came last year when my son totaled my 2002 Camaro Z-28 35th Anniversay Package. He took a turn too fast and couldn’t control it and wrapped my baby around a tree. Of course the first question my wife asked was how was the kid. I said he’s on the phone so he’s alive, but what about my car!!!!!!
Now as to those Smart Cars: they remind me of the dinky little auto controlled cars used in the Sylvester Stallone movie “Demolition Man”. Besides, the last picture in today’s Blog says it all. Can you see something that hot posing on a Smart Car????? Hell no.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Thank you, Lou for that most excellent and lucid response.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
http://www.ritholtz.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/1-suv-smart.jpg
Smart Car Model…..
April 13th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Thank you Z, and if you don’t mind I’m going to rant and vent a little myself:
I’m tired of all of those people who think they know what is better for me then me.
Al Goreknob and the Tree Hugger Coalition. Don’t you f-ing idiots realize that this planet goes through hot and cold cycles?? Remember the last friggin’ ice age before man knew about fossil fuels? And what about the periods of time when we didn’t have polar ice caps? We still had land masses and life still managed to survive. Duh.
PETA Freaks: there’s a g-damned reason man is at the top of the food chain (at least most of the time). We have incisors and canine teeth that were made for ripping delicious chunks of red meat off of the bone! If you want to live an anemic, bland life then that’s your right, but keep your f-ing mouth shut and your opinions to yourself.
Smoke Nazis (and my sister is a leader): you are no better then the Prohibitionists of the 1800′ and 1900’s. Look at what happened when they banned booze! Tax collections went down, crime went up, the cost of enforcing Prohibition was incredible. Again, if you don’t want to savor a fine cigar on a warm summer night with a good single malt scotch that’s your right (but you don’t know what the F you’re missing). Just don’t tell me I can’t indulge myself with something that I’ve earned.
Man that feels so much better. Thanks Z.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Why not just put a bumper sticker on the back that says, “I have a small dick, too.”
Z, I thought it was conventional wisdom that it was the guys who compensated with the big cars that had the small dicks.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Maybe in Hawaii, but around here it’s sort of like being the top hunter in the clan. Better hunter, more food, more wimenses (for the less edumacated: more earning potential). Big car=more money to maintain=more earning potential=more wimenses.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Lou, just think of me as I’m the comforting shoulder that neither Cotty or Garfiend can give you.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Oh, wait. There was the word “wisdom” in there – sorry, Z. Can’t hold you accountable.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Overheard this weekend at Easter dinner. The guy who said this could be a Zman clone or long lost brother:
I know I’m a hell of a lot smarter then my wife! I married her, but she married me.
April 13th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Little cars….little weiners!
April 13th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
the only saving grace today was the abundance of boobage…
8.0 today…
keep it up and i’ll boycott like ol duckboy….
April 13th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Zman there’s still hope for you do develop another career:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30194921/
April 14th, 2009 at 5:48 am
I watched the video of the crash tests on these little matchbox cars. I must say, I am rather impressed. But as a guy who has cut more bodies out of cars, I want to see what happens when one of them gets driven OVER by a truck.
My local VFD maintains 5 miles of the NY State Thruway. The average speed is about 85. I’ve seen more carnage on that five miles than anywhwere else (well, that is not entirely true, but that is another story for another day). I suspect that this car is made out of hybrid metals (boran being one), and the Jaws of Life that most of the departments carry do not have the cutting power to make it through this new metal. We just purchases a new set of cutters ($8,000) for this reason alone. But many of the departments across the country do not have the luxury or tax base that we have. They are using cutters from the 80’s. If you are unfortunate enough to get creamed while driving one of these cars, you might find yourself on the way to the hospital on the back of a flatbed wrecker, as you will most likely be stuck in the car until a FD who has the proper equipement can be located and the extricate you (and your loved/unloved ones) from the car.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Small cars…not safe…. http://www.detnews.com/article/20090414/AUTO01/904140325/1148/Minicars+at+risk+in+crashes
April 14th, 2009 at 8:31 am
boobage? I must have went to the wrong blog.
By the way – Grandson #5 arrived yesterday.
April 14th, 2009 at 9:15 am
DiD -
There’s no doubt small cars don’t fare well in crashes. My 1994 Geo Metro is a tad scary… No airbags… But – where and when I drive it are, I think, pretty safe.
I think my primary risk is being rear ended. I drive about 10 miles of freeway in an urban setting. But my morning commute is light traffic, because I head in before the traffic really gets heavy – like 6am. My afternoon commute is heavier traffic – at 2:30pm-3:30pm, depending on the day. But, because the Geo is SUCH a putt-putt car, I drive no faster than 60 MPH, so I’m in the far right lane, and pretty much everybody’s passing me. And I’m able to have a good sized “cushion” in front of me, for the most part…
I think the riskiest portion of my commute is crossing a couple of busy intersections on the surface arterials.
Back to the article – I think it makes an excellent point. Mid-size hybrids that get the same or better mileage are a safer alternative to mini-cars. I don’t think there’s any argument there…
April 14th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Hey, you want to look like you’re driving a hot car, but wouldn’t mind nearly 70 highway MPG either? Here’s your answer.
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_sep2008/SmartCarRedesign.htm
April 14th, 2009 at 11:42 am
This is a nice pic for those of you inclined to exercise. Scroll down near to the bottom to the bike rider.
http://mymbonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=425818
April 14th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Thanks for the link, rl7. Are those things for real?
The Smart Car body kits, not the boobies.
April 14th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
RL7’s website told me I was banned. Must have been a very bad boy.
Well guys in keeping with this week’s blog and my birthday being tomorrow, I just got myself a new toy. A black 2002 Trans Am with the 5.7L LS1 corvette engine, 6 speed manual, T top, leather seats (comfort package accessories) and only 48,000 miles on it. Zman you inspired me to treat myself. Just a paltry $16K. If you hear of some idiot getting picked up on I-80 doing 100+, just smile and know I’m having fun.
April 14th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Oh yeah it has the Ws6 Ram Air performance package too. The wife hasn’t seen it yet……………
April 14th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
HB,
I think the boobies may be real, but the Smart cars have been photoshopped, I’m afraid.
April 14th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Lou- Congrats on the b-day as well as treating yourself, sounds like you found a bargain price!
DiD: I’ve jumped into the ring of Ford stock ownership today. GM and Chysler appear weak and ford is holding their own for the time being. I think Ford will have a great year for market share as people’s confidence declines in the other 2 domestics. Fingers crossed!
April 15th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Congrats Dodger…my second grandchild is due in August.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Good luck with the stock, GHD! Its the most solid one of the three, that’s for sure.
I see the Obamarama family got a Portugese Water Dog? WTF is that? Sure doesn’t sound like a “rescue” dog like they said they were going to get.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Dunno if they got a rescue dog, but it’s certainly possible. There are purebred rescue dogs out there in every imaginable breed. My cousin runs a dog kennel and among the beasts that she has around are any and all Dalmatians that might otherwise be euthanized… She won’t let anybody put down a healthy Dal.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:33 am
I read a story that there is a breeder near DC that a lot of the politicians buy from. Apparently Kennedy knows the breeder, and had the breeder take the dog back from an “un-fit” family and then give it to Obama (so Obama rescued it). It sounds like some poor family had their dog stolen from them.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:41 am
I heard the dog and the family just weren’t working out – wasn’t getting along with the family’s other dogs or something like that.
On another note, though. Did you hear about the breeder that gave a dog to Joe Biden? She’s been beseiged by crazy animal lovers over the fact that she gave the VP a purebred instead of allowing him to get a mutt from the pound. Been getting death threats and everything.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
arf! arf! arf!
April 15th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Thanks, BW, Grandkids are great! They are how God rewards you for not killing your own kids when they were teenagers!
April 15th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
and you get to send them home to their parents when you get tired of them
April 15th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I guess we were extremely lucky. Our kids as teenagers were awfully damn good. My son even did the yard without having to be asked whenever he thought he needed it. Of course, he and a friend had a yard mowing service, and made a good bit of money, but using my mower and weedeater, so he probably felt he owed me that for rental fees.
I did my very best to be a bad example for him and my daughter, so they’d grow up thinking they better work hard, or they could turn out like me. LOL
April 16th, 2009 at 8:11 am
dodger_fan…congrats on grandbaby #5!!!
Zman…the Rangers surprised the Caps a bit last night, eh? I sure hope the Red Wings don’t run into a hot goaltender in the Blue Jackets 20-year old phenom, Mason. The kid had 10 shutouts.
The sun is shining here today. And, its fairly warm. Can it be? Is spring FINALLY freakin’ here? It’s 9:12am and I am ready to get outside. I think a ‘gar in the ManCave will be in order this afternoon.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:12 am
I cannot believe Dodger_fan is a grand-dad…wow ! Congrats to you and the family !
Zman ? I loved the blog this wek…it has this taste of your old self in it… the humour, the intelligence, the sarcasm, the wit, the wise, the dark, the sexy, the bragging… As long as I am concern, this is how I love you the most.
My first car was offered by my dad who owned a GM / Chevrolet/ Caddy dealership… I was 17, leaving home to go study in the big City and he offered me a….. (drumroll…..) ( I wanted the camaro… ) he offered me a beautiful Grey Chevette !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dammit ! but I had a blast with this car… I sold it 4 years later to buy a jeep, convertible. Back then, my dad told me : Do not buy a jeep, I’ll buy you a Geo Métro and I’ll pay for it. but if you go for the jeep or any other type of 4 x 4, I won’t give you a cent ! … Of Course I went for the Jeep… that was my BEST car ever… I had to sell it when I had my first baby…. I bought a Station Wagon Ford Escort..I HATED it with all my heart… two years later, at baby #2, I bought a Chevrolet Venture…later on, a Volvo Cross-Country…now, for fuel and envirnmental reasons, I drive a red Nissan Versa.
On a funnier note : I had my first ever contact with malehood on the back of an Impala…
Best car to have fun in : Intrepid…
Best car memories (steamy windows memories) : a Bobcat !
April 16th, 2009 at 9:13 am
It was 36 degrees here this morning, but it’s supposed to hit 70 on Saturday. If it does, I intend to be outside, smokin’ and’ drinkin’ all day long. Of course, Zman will probably claim that it only got into the 30’s “up in the mountains”, where he says he lives, so he’ll have one itty bitty little cigar from a tin and have to call it a day. Weinie.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Since I am a playoffs widow, maybe I could visit and smoke with you ?
April 16th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Nah, broads cramp my style when I’m having a good time.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Just pretend I’m a guy…I am a real good guy to herf with… and I own a Twitty Bird t-shirt….
April 16th, 2009 at 9:54 am
LOL…”broads”. I like broads.
Lucie…Tweety Bird, not Twitty Bird. Although I think I like the idea of a Twitty Bird…
April 16th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Titty Bird would be better.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Or Twatty Bird.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Or naughty bird.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Yeah…more like the Naughty Bird…you only see his back… his face is burried between the boobs…
April 16th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Lucie, my 1st contact with womanhood was in the front seat of a 1968 Buick……. and she tasted wonderfull.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
You rock brother !
April 16th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
testify, sister!
halejula for the taste of women….uhm, i ment women of taste…
April 16th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
My first car — 1972 Ford Maverick
My first bj in a car — 88′ Chevy Spectrum (while driving from Nashville)
April 16th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Shhhhhhh . . . the wife doesn’t know.
April 17th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Zman remembers his first BJ in a car. He says that he almost swallowed it all when the guy suddenly hit the brakes. LMAO!!!!
April 17th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Hey Z-Man…I hear you’re aerating your lawn this weekend. Your neighbor doubts you’ll survive the ordeal. Be safe. I’ll be smoking and drinking!
April 17th, 2009 at 10:01 am
I remember a gal I used to date when I was in college. Dumb as a mud fence, but extremely talented in the BJ department. She worked in the deli department at Kroger. I swear she must have practiced on the salamis.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
you say that like it’s a bad thing…
April 17th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
slow day today . . . only five posts.
April 18th, 2009 at 7:37 am
my boycott of this blog grows more and more adherents every day
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August 29th, 2009 at 12:05 am
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