The world economy is in disarray and industries of all kinds are hurting like never before. Construction, housing, the automakers, cigar manufacturers as well as a plethora of industries are reeling and desperately grabbing onto whatever they can to stay afloat. But I have noticed that one particular industry is stepping up it’s marketing like I have never seen before. This group has unleashed a full frontal assault on its prospective clientele, and it’s impressive to see such tenacity and a belief in good old fashioned  traditional marketing values. Of course I’m referring to: The Email Scammers.

Never have I received such a relentless barrage of Nigerian 419 letters, foreign lottery notifications, and phishing scams in all my life. Everyday I receive three to five different creatively written emails trying desperately to separate me from my hard earned money. It has become obvious that the world’s stifling economic conditions are hurting the email scammer industry and these gallant lads are doing their best to stay afloat.

The Nigerian letters are amazing – so well conceived and so sincere and believable that I almost want to give these bastards everything that they want, sight unseen. The stories are always uncanny – a steel magnate dies and somewhere along the way in life I must have crossed paths with this fine gent. His daughter Fatima needs to move his two-hundred million dollars from a financial institution in the Ivory Coast to an American Bank, and as fate would have it, gosh darn it, MY name came up at the top of the list! Wow, what a stroke of good fortune for little ol’ me! I also got one from Jipjad Dorhoni whose father (the owner of a Boron mine in Sri Lanka) has been wrongly imprisoned and he needs my help and will reward me handsomely! WOW! And then there’s Kim Chee, a Hong Kong finance officer who has a “very important” business proposition for me but can’t release the information in an email. Ooooooo, how deliciously clandestine!

These people have balls that King Kong would be most jealous of. They ask for your name, address, name of bank, and often times your account numbers. And the most astonishing thing of all is that people willingly hand them the information, all in hopes of taking a ride down “easy street.” A favorite quote of mine is by football analyst, John Madden who said that, “The road to easy street goes through the sewer.” Not too long ago a woman from the somewhere in the U.S. northwest made the news as she was swindled of something like eight-hundred thousand dollars by these enterprising entrepreneurs. The key is that you need to give them a small sum of money to make the transaction happen. Then there’s a glitch and they need more money. Then a hold up in the international bank requires more money. You get the picture. This stupid-ass “greedy” broad said she got so caught up in receiving the millions that she was willing to do anything to make it happen. It wasn’t until her bank red-flagged her $400,000 wire transfer that things finally came to a halt. Yowzers.

And just call me the luckiest man on the face of the earth as I have won no less than 12 international and foreign lotteries in the past three weeks, totaling 200 million dollars! Praise Jesus! Would you believe that each and every one of them randomly picked me from a hundred million names! What are the odds?! What will I buy? What will I wear? Never has the heavens blessed such a good citizen as me! Cigars… that’s it, I must purchase lots and lots of cigars. Of course I’ll need a place to put them. Then I’ll need some pals to smoke ‘em with. Of course I’ll then need a big place to smoke them in. Wow, being the recipient of a most fortuitous situation sure can be complicated.

Last but not least, are the banks, credit card companies, and other noted financial merchants who need me to verify my banking or credit card information. Hey, it’ll only take a minute, right? Gotta have my financial information in order! I keep getting stuff from banks that I don’t have accounts with, but claim that I do, and that’s just so cool! I mean I have accounts with gobs of moolah in them that I wasn’t really aware of. I’ve even gotten a few from pay Pal. But the worst ever was several years ago. The email stated that they received my order for child pornography and wanted to verify shipping info. It said that if it was sent to me in error to send my credit card info so they could promptly cancel the order. Holy crap, that one scared the begeeiz outta me.

They are thieves, liars, scumbags, and major-league criminals, but you gotta give these bastards credit for working so diligently to make ends meet. Hey, business sucks all over the place, and scammers gotta eat, too…right? These dirtbags might be the most inventive and hard working marketers that I have ever seen. So I say hats off to the Nigerian scammers and their ilk. Now all we need is a Bud light “Real Men of Genius” commercial for them… “Today we salute you, Mr. Nigerian 419 email scamming son of a bitch.”

But let me be the first to say that every email you get from JR Cigars is the real deal, chock full of honest to goodness leafy splendor! What the hell, click the link to the site and check out the cigars. It’ll do ya some good!

Well, gotta go… my winnings in the Indonesian Electronic Sweeps awaits!

Later my peeps,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

This past week in northern New Jersey has been incredibly cold, including a full day of snow on Thursday. I guess I’m used to this stuff after five decades in the Soprano State, but it doesn’t mean I’m not sick and tired of it. There’s definitely a reason why people from the north move to Florida or Arizona. Although there’s unlimited warmth, sunshine, and rounds of golf, I think if I were to move, the main reason would be to be able to smoke cigars outdoors all year round.

Up until about two weeks ago I was sitting on my patio with a stogie every night and there’s really almost nothing I enjoy more. It’s so tranquil and soothing for the mind and the soul. In fact, I do a lot of writing out there. But this past week was just impossible as high winds and close to freezing temperatures made it way too uncomfortable. I sat in the garage but it was too cold with the door open, so I shut the door, figuring that the high ceiling would gather the smoke and I could just leave the door open afterwards. But of course, my nagging wife (is there any other kind?) bitched for days that the garage stunk.

What’s a BOTL to do?

I’m really giving serious thought into spending a few bucks and getting a good heater for the garage because I detest going weeks without a smoke in the winter. I saw some of those new radiant heaters in Home Depot and I’m serious about making the purchase. I’ll have to leave the door open at least halfway to let out the smoke, so I’ll need something that makes it bearable for a good 45 minutes to an hour.

I think it’s really time that I finally clear out a small section of the garage for my own little personal man cave space. I say this every year, but there comes a time to grow a pair and step up to the plate (along with any other cliché euphemisms I can dig up.) Heating and ventilation are the concerns (along with the  optimum safety) so I’m reaching out to the reading audience for any suggestions. Of course those of you in the south don’t have to deal with this problem, but some of you do have to deal with horrendous heat. We all have our cross to bear.

Now I’m not looking to do an all out man cave, by any means, I just need a small space with some comfort amongst the vehicle, lawn tractor, tools, and whatnot – I already have a fridge in there and a decent boombox stereo.  (But click to enlarge this Harley Man Cave photo and give yerself a big ol’ woody. Wow, that is sweet.)But then again, I love to watch hockey in the winter and I was thinking of getting a cheapie flat screen and running some coaxial out into the garage. I don’t think that’s a bad idea, but since it’s not heated in there and can get to freezing temperatures, I’m asking the experts out there…can a tv stay in there all the time under those conditions? It’s not damp, just cold.

So guys, if any of you have done anything similar, please chime in cuz the Zman needs some help. Now I know some of you have run baseboard heat and put vent fans into the wall and things of that nature, but I’m just not ready to go there as there are a hundred other things that need to be done first in my home and that would really piss off the living hell out of the nag – I mean my lovely and most sweetest better half. Plus, any suggestion for other amenities or to just make it a decent place to hang would be greatly appreciated.

Onto cigars…
I have to say that if you guys haven’t tried the new Siglo Limited Reserve, it is really one terrific smoke. I’ve had several already and I’m impressed with what has gone into making these. Okay, some of you need to get over the fact that they kind of imitated the Cohiba look – big whoop, get over it. The cigar is excellent and that’s all that matters. It’s a medium bodied smoke with a gorgeous silky wrapper with a lot of flavor, a good portion of that coming from the broadleaf binder.

According to our prestigious website…

SIGLO LIMITED RESERVE CIGARS
Handmade NIC
Wrapper: ECSU    Binder: CTBL    Filler: NIC/DR
Medium-Full Bodied

Hand selected, light-brown Ecuador Cubano wrapper leaves with the finest vein structure, combined with a flavorful broadleaf binder and an aged blend of rich Nicaraguan and Dominican long filler tobaccos provide the smoker with the Frank Llaneza “Cubanesque” heavier bodied “touch” that made brands like Hoyo, Punch, Excalibur, El Rey del Mundo, and others that he has created such mainstays in today’s premium cigar business. Another winner in the new chapter of fine cigars for Frank!

Order ‘em right here, my amigos, you won’t be disappointed…

CLICK HERE>NoI: 4 ¼ x 44
CLICK HERE> NoII: 5 1/2 x 45
CLICK HERE> NoIII: 6 ½ x 44
CLICK HERE> NoIV: 5 x 54
CLICK HERE> NoIV Tubo: 5 x 54
CLICK HERE> NoVI: 6 x 54
CLICK HERE> NoVI Tubo: 6 x 54
CLICK HERE> NoVI: 7 x 48
CLICK HERE> NoX Belicoso: 6 x 54
CLICK HERE> NoXXI: 5 Tins of 5: 4 ½ x 38

So that’s it for today…let’s talk about man caving up the garage with a few suggestions for us cold weather brothers of the frozen Leaf.

Take care my bruthas and sistas,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

Today, people the world over celebrate the great saint Christopher, the explorer responsible for all of us being here (wherever youz happen to be.) But not so fast, oh yee who is off from work this fine Monday. Columbus really was kind of the Tony Soprano of his day. He demanded all kinds of power and riches upon each return from a trip, knowing that he was the only one who could run this 15th century, wise-guy operation.

Back in the late 1400’s, Europeans believed that the earth was flat. Freakin stunads. But Chris Molitsanti Columbus, a nice boy from Genoa, Italy believed otherwise. He caught the ear of Queen Isabella of Spain (threatened her…caught her ear… same difference) and got funding, men, and the ships he needed to head for the new world. This chooch had the balls to ask for a ten percent vig on top of everything he found and asked to be named admiral of the seas, along with all other kinds of neat stuff like his own casino, part ownership of the Madrid Bunny Ranch, and a Belgian Ale distributorship. The Spanish government agreed, basically because they thought the old dago fool would never return. Yeah, he learned them pretty good.

Talk about balls, Columbus had a huge set of stones, thinking he could pull this heist off. He set sail with three ships and spent five whole weeks on the high seas of the deep blue Atlantic. On October 12, 1492, Chris and the boys discovered America… well, they actually discovered the Bahamas, but let’s not split hairs. On later journeys, he came across, the Dominican Republic, Cuba, and Honduras, as he enjoyed the fine tastes of Cohibas, Montecristos, and El Rey Del Mundos – along with hot Indian natives who developed a taste for smoked Italian sausage. Oofah!

Don Christopher made several returns to the Carribean, changed his name to Corlione, and ran roughshod over these poor injun bastids. He enslaved many, kidnapped scores, brought them back to Europe, and had is own rollers to create the 1492 brand cigar. (Early relatives of Frank Llaneza, perhaps.) It is said that under Don Christopher’s reign, between 1 and 3 million natives were killed. True fact. He was the very first extortionist in America, running prostitution and gambling rings from Habana to Santo Domingo and he set up the first Indian run casinos,, benefiting greatly from the bogus tax breaks.

Yeah, the explorer extraordinaire had one hell of a racket going and the west coast operation was running smooth as a papoose’s ass… until he returned to Spain in 1500. Chris was getting too powerful for his own good, and the other bosses didn’t like his tyrannical methods and took control. According to testimony of twenty or more witnesses during his trial, Columbus regularly used barbaric acts of torture to govern Hispaniola. They negated his contract, cutting him off from funding his reign of terror over the Americas. Sure he claimed it was bullshit and tried to start a war with the other families, but they had his ass tossed in jail, along with his hoodlum brothers, Vinchenzo the Rat, Paulie Brazilian-Nuts, Sivio the Weasel, and Antonio Two-times. They called him that on a count of the fact that he said everything twice, “I’m a goin to getta the scrolls, getta the scrolls.”

Don Christopher died in 1506, but the old man had a nice stash of gold from the heist job they ran in Seacaucus, New Jersey. It was said that Thomasino DeVito was a partner in the deal, but Christopher thought he was funny like a clown, and that seemed to bring much disharmony to the relationship. Later on, Columbus put a cap in DeVito’s ass, but conveniently blamed it on a black tribe.

So there ya go, the story of Christopher Columbus, told tru da eyes of a half guinzo from Jersey. I hoped youz guys liked this story whose authenticity cannot be questioned. Not if ya know what’s good for ya.

Ah, I love factual history. I’m glad we came to this little understanding.

Oofah,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Weasel

Yes, boys and girls, cigar lovers of all ages… it has been two whole years since yours truly has been blogging for JR Cigars Blog With the Zman. Two years of my life has been lovingly dedicated to the stogie smoking faithful of the blogosphere.

I have no one but the big cheese whiz at JR, himself, to thank for this most-happening gig. Lew has such a fondness for me and he shows his caring nature in so many ways. Like the time we were flying to the Dominican Republic with executives of General Cigar, and during our re-fueling in West Palm beach, he told me that everyone took a vote for me to shut the f@#k up. Good lord, can you feel the love? Then just last week I stopped in at JR to see the man, who hasn’t seen me in person in a couple of months. I’ve lost about 20 pounds since my infamous lawn tractor accident (found out in the hospital that my blood pressure would make a great bowling score, hence the weight loss.) He looked at me and said, “Man, you lost a lot of weight!” I said, well thank you, Lew, that was awfully nice of you. He then replied with all sincerity, “I mean now you just look fat, before you were f@#cking disgusting.”

You just can’t make this stuff up, people.

Blogging is a very different form of writing, really like nothing else I’ve ever done in my career. For close to two decades I wrote advertising copy. For the past 5 years I’ve been scribing feature length stories for Cigar Magazine. Writing magazine articles is SO infinitely different than doing a blog. Magazine work requires a lot of thought, massaging, research, self-editing, editor’s editing, and plodding. But a blog is very off the cuff, trusting your gut and running with it. Blogging, is definitely more opinionated and more emotional. You can really spill your guts out, letting your heart talk more than your head, which can get you in trouble at times. Plus you get to be topical, so there’s almost never a chance of running out of things to yak about.

Then there is the reader commenting aspect that makes the world of blogging all-together different than any other form of writing. You post something, then within an instant, someone tells you what they think – agreeing, disagreeing, or telling you how far up your blow-hole to shove your opinion.

Now, sometimes what I think is funny, and you think is funny, doesn’t mean everyone thinks is a gasser. Last year I wrote about the British MI6 making it public that they were looking for gay secret agents. The story was true, but of course I embellished with a tad bit of off-color humor and good God, did I ever hear about it. One guy wrote me that I was the reason why young homosexual men were getting their heads bashed in with baseball bats in violent acts of hatred across America. Yes, I am a retard level asshat at times, but I found it hard to believe that my moronic depiction of where agents hide their weaponry was the sole reason for this breed of vile hate in this country. Another guy, a writer from down south, who considered himself a humorist, chastised me for using curse words in my writing. He felt it was important to lecture me on the need for working “clean” and that using vulgarities attracted lowbrow mentalities and suggested that it was demeaning to the craft. Well, let me be the first one to say FUCK YOU and that lame-ass nag you rode in on, bro. As Yukon Cornelius said to Hermy, “You eat what you like, and I’ll eat what I like.” Writing, humor, and comedy are all part of an art form so please don’t break a hip falling off that high horse telling me how to perform my art. Why not write Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Lewis Black, Dave Chappel, or Jim Norton, and cry on their shoes with the same born again bullshit? This is my house, people, if you don’t like the décor, then get the hell out. Well, actually it’s JR’s house and I’m just leasing the place, but you know what I mean, god dammit.

All righty, then… gosh, where was I?

Yes indeed, I have hit a nerve or ten with my opinions of left wing politics, Al Sharpton, Michael Jackson, and the Dallas Cowboys, but I’ve learned that sometimes you need to ruffle a shitload of feathers in order for people to get worked up, excited, and talking about what you’ve written. Sometimes you need to piss people off, waking them up from their slumberous zombie-like walk through life.

Lastly, I sometimes even get to write about my love and passion for premium, handrolled cigars. And may I take timeout to shill for a moment to tell you that the Frank LLaenza 1961’s, Troya Classicos, and the new Siglo Limited Reserves, are off the chart delicious. Now, you’re on a damned cigar website, so why not order some good stuff and keep us all in business over here. You remember I used to do this blog thingy five days a week and now I’m down to one. So please get off your lazy ass, break out the credit card and order up some seriously great smokes – all because you deserve it!

So thank you all for reading, commenting, and telling me where to shove it for the past two years. I love doing this and I love you all, no, really I do. Okay, I’m full of crap, I can only stomach most of you and there’s only a handful of people here with any redeeming value, whatsoever. All you morons really want are pictures of gorgeous honnies with bulging tatas and you could give a rat’s dumper what the hell I write. But I will say that it’s sure a hell of a lot better than asking if you guys want fries with dat.

Happy Anniversary to me,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman