Santa Lays Off Thousands – Restructures Workshop

North Pole, October 23, 2008 – In a drastic effort to save Christmas for the 2008 holiday season, Kristopher Kringle, affectionately known as Santa Claus, has ordered the layoffs of thousands of elves in order to combat the sinking global economy. Head Elf spokesman, Hermie “The Dentist” said how saddened Santa and his staff were to make this decision, but with credit lines frozen throughout the world, and with the big day a little more than two months away, Christmas Town (a subsidiary of North Pole Industries) doesn’t have the ability to make payroll for some twenty-five thousand elf workers.

“Approximately 20% of the miniature work force have been given their pink slips and it is a sad day in the Northern Hemisphere,” said Hermie. “My little misfit heart goes out to all the toy makers and their families who produce the hundreds of millions of packages, boxes, and bags for children around the globe.”

Talks between Elf Union Heads and Workshop officials reached a stalemate on Sunday night, and that’s when the “Big Man” decided to make the decision.

“This is reindeer excrement!,” cried Jingles, head of Elf Union 4066 (Video Game Makers), “What the hell are these people supposed to do? I mean it’s Christmas Town fer crissakes – we make friggin toys! – we don’t do anything else, here!”

Another drastic problem facing the land of merry is that foreclosures are up 71% on Gingerbread houses as several key North Pole Banks have been taken by C-Town Feds. Arctic Circle Trust, Glacier Financial, and Candy Mae have all become victims as balloon loans to lower class elves and certain penguin species backfired when rates spiraled out of control.

Vito Scarpone, Union Head of Doll Makers, 1066 was quite animated outside of Santa’s Castle as thousands rallied in support of their frozen comrades. “If I see that fat bastid, I’m gonna gouge out his liver with an Etch-O-Sketch. He saw this coming… and he better not sit with his back to an open igloo, that’s all I gotta say. CAPICHE, TUBBY?!”

Santa will be meeting with key members of the C-Town board at midnight to discuss the restructuring of Workshop management and all toy making operations. Board members include several prominent elves, Dasher and Vixen from the Sleigh Team, Frosty, Yukon Cornelius, as well as the Grinch, who has been appointed as a paid consultant ever since his heart grew three sizes that day. Rudolph has been sidelined because of his battle with addiction to painkillers from that roof collapse incident in Prague last December. And rumor has it that the Abominable Snowman will be brought in to keep the peace in the event that violence erupts in this once very merry town.

Tiny Shapiro was the 27-year foreman of the Slinky line, but now ponders on his options. “I got family in Pompano Beach, Florida and I think that may be best for the wife and kids. I used to bartend at a few high-class strip joints in Montreal and I figure when Spring Break hits, they’re gonna need a guy who can make a mean Rum Runner.”

BREAKING NEWS…BREAKING NEWS…Santa is at the podium on his castle balcony with a prepared speech, as angry Santas helpers are picketing outside the main gate. Let’s listen in…(Santa’s voice will be played by either GW Bush, or Brando as Don Corleone. Try both – I laughed.)

“My fellow Christmas Townians, North Pole residents, Elves, warm and cold blooded critters alike… this is a difficult time in our history and be rest assured that my staff and I are doing everything we can to bring normalcy back to our frigid region. As you know, the collapse of our several financial institutions has caused an economic problem that affects hard working elves and good boys and girls around the globe. For this, I am truly sorry.

And for those out-of-work elves, we will keep you busy as sleds are waiting to ship you to Iraq and Afghanistan to help fight the Taliban and Muslim radical extremists.

We have decided to implement a stimulus package in the amount of 700 billion candy canes that will pay off the bad loans and get our icy economy back on track. The board will vote on this package within a few hours and I hope that bi-partisanship is not a factor. There are still some bad feelings between certain un-named Elves and the Grinch from his earlier “stealing” days and I have asked them to put aside differences for the good of everyone affected. We need to pass this package “quickly” or all toy operations will be in jeopardy. Thank you for your support through this troubled time and I know we will rise up and be merry once again. Ho, ho, ho, and thank you. – No questions.”

Well there you have it. The fat man in the red suit has introduced a 700 billion dollar economic recovery package, but already, many are calling it a candy cane bailout. Internet feedback is telling us that Santa’s approval rating is at a dismal 38% and many feel this is nothing but one big snow job. Even with the recent announcement of his sled going hybrid, geothermal wells and solar panels on the Castle, Santa is still seen as a bungling, senile old fool whose nose isn’t red just from sipping cocoa.

Only time will tell how the holidays will go.

A lot to Ponder,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the zman