You know, I’ve talked a lot about the Hollyweird contingent, but the fact is that they never stop their antics and just keep on getting weirder. We’ve discussed the adoption thing about finding orphans in Guam and giving them bizzaro names – the kind of monikers that get you beat up in the fourth grade.

Why is it “news” on the AOL news site that Matt Lauer interviewed Angelina Jolie? And why IS Matt Lauer interviewing the pouty lipped vixen, anyway? She and Brad Pitt just had twins – Vivienne and Knox (fuggin Knox for crissakes) to make it six kids total. And when Lauer asked if her and the pretty boy would adopt again, she had a big smile and shook her head yes.

Holy crap, people, what the hell are these wacked out celebrities trying to prove? And you know the broad won’t stop at seven. WTF is next – are they gonna build a house like a giant shoe? (I’m sure the old lady in the shoe never had geothermal wells and a Bentley.) I guess the point is with that kind of money you can have an army of nannies to take care of the little waifs. In the article, Angelina said, “They’re all at that great age that they are not threatened. They’re independent. They don’t need Mommy and Daddy all the time.” Well shit yeah, because while mom is in Thailand and daddy in Brazil, I’m quite sure that a highly paid, crack team of au pairs and nurse maids are working ‘round the clock to make sure that the Bradjolina kiddies are well fed and never late for their tai chi and meditation workshops. Wow, I sure as hell can sleep better now, and I know you will to.

Lets get back to the names. To round out the rest of the family you have Maddox, Pax, Zahara, and Shiloh. Freaky is as freaky does. And they can play all day without a care in the world with the likes of Surri, Fifi-Trixibelle, Peaches, Little Trixie, Honeyblossom, Pilot Inspektor, Bluebell Madonna, Daisy Boo, Poppy Honey, Indiana August, Diezel Ky, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo, Audio Science, Apple, Tu Morrow, Messiah Ya’majesty, Sage Moon Blood, Story, and Tabooger – Lord in heaven, bless this poor f@#king Tabooger.

So help me God, people – EVERY single one of those names are for real. Look ‘em up if you don’t believe me. I did a list of these a while back, but there’s a few new ones and they just keep on getting more f-‘d up by the minute. What on earth makes this bizarre society of humans come up with these garish names? Why do they all do it? It’s this crazy-ass fraternity out on the left coast and as the lead singer of Guns and Roses said in Welcome to the Jungle – It’s getting’ worser every day. (Nice thoughts from a guy names Axel.) WTF ever happened to good ol’ fashioned names like Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber, Eric the Red, and Atilla the Hun? Fred and Ethyl, Steve and Edie, Bert and Ernie, Greg, Peter, Bobby, Jan, Cindy, and Marcia, Marcia, Marcia?

Can you imagine that entire Hollywood grade school just full of kids whose insane names are the norm and Billy and Debbie are looked at like freakazoids? A school completely filled with kids named Scagg Doowhiffle, Bottany Hermaphrodite, Fo Shizzel, Clitoris Gigundus, Snooter Shagamuffin, Dart Flamethrower, Strawberry Grenade, Flack-Jacket Zanzibar, Zeldar Grommit, Poken Hope, Skinflute Marityme, Tracksuit Behemoth, Womb Raider, Trenchfoot VerMoose, Gaseous Clay, Thor Antman, Farkles Wilderbeast, and Zohan Sandlar?

If I was ultra rich and really famous I guess I’d have to change my son and daughter’s names to reflect my true love in life…. How about Cutter and Lighter? Or Filler and Binder? Connecticut River Valley and English Market Selection? Petite Corona and Corona Gigante? Secco and Ligero? Chaveta and Ring Gauge? Or how ‘bout Hygrometer and Spanish Cedar? That’s a nice pairing. 70/70 would be a cool name. I certainly don’t think those are any more wackier than the Hollyweird names and they all kind of have a nice ring to them…don’t they? And they’re a lot sexier than Stosh and Stanislaus, that’s for sure.

I guess a rose by any other name is still a rose.

Have a Wonderful Weekend to all my Bestest Pals,

Cigartus Polackarian

JR Cigar Blog With the Zman