Yesterday was a day that could make an ordinary man vomit until his innards became his outwards. No, I’m not talking about the New York Giants loss to the Cleveland Browns last night – but I guess it sure as hell could be. Eli looked like his “former” interception throwing self and the Browns offense picked apart the Giants D, play after play after play. For a fan of the Super Bowl champs, it was a nauseating yuk fest.

But I wasn’t talking “pigskin” that caused an upheaval in many a person’s stomach. Ya think that maybe something is askew in the financial world? All that “selling off” in the market for the past week – to the point where we expect the four horsemen to ride onto the Dow Jones trading floor – and then a 900 plus point comeback yesterday? That is SICK. This whole thing is sick. It’s a grotesque thought that so many people’s futures are in the hands of greedy son-of-bitches who dipped into the cookie jar, only to find out that all that was left was pretty crummy. (God, I love a good pun.)

Yesterday’s blog was a fun write because I didn’t have to talk about the mortgage crisis, GW, or the presidential knuckle draggers. And I really don’t want to ponder too long about the financial world as it makes all our brains start to swell and go ka-ka.

One thing I’ve been seeing on the news sites are lots of “TOP TEN” lists on how to keep your money, make more money, where to put your money, and how millionaires handle their money. So I thought I’d offer up the official Zman list on how to prosper in this horrifying financial environment. Hey, the so-called “experts” don’t know their asses from their mouths, which is obvious from all the shit that they are spewing. So why not listen to what the Polish Cigar Blogging, Beaver Damn busting, gaseous cretin behind the keyboard in New Jersey has to say? As the saying goes…It couldn’t hoit!

Okay…here’s MY TOP TEN ways to prosper “mentally” as well as financially when cannon balls are blowing through the hull and the sails are in flames.

Number 10: Learn to Play a Good Game of Poker
I’m serious. An elks club tournament here, a church hall Hold ‘em game there and you could be making some serious, non-taxable, hard-cold cash, baby. How do you think J. Paul Getty and J.P. Morgan made their fortunes…huh? (Not by playing cards, that’s for sure – I’m just asking you how do you think J. Paul Getty and J.P. Morgan made their fortunes. I like trivia.)

Number 9: Get a doctor to prescribe you Paxil, Zoloft, and Lexapro.
It won’t grow your bank account, but it’ll sure take the edge off when mixed with a good belt of Single Malt.

Number 8: Order cheap gimmick products from the back of comic books.
It’s been known that Black Face soap, the Two-Man Sub, Onion Gum, and X-Ray Specs can give hours of pleasure as your retirement account goes south forever. Don’t you want to try them there glasses on the cougar mama next door?

Number 7: Learn a foreign language.
We’re the only nation in the world that speaks one language exclusively and wouldn’t it come in handy to know what Europeans are saying as they laugh at us? Plus your broker will be impressed when you swear at him in Portuguese… that’s if he’s not a Walmart greeter by now.

Number 6: Find Jesus.
It’s kind of like a more spiritual game of Where’s Waldo, except for when you find Waldo, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world.

Number 5: Take up Skateboarding.
Tony Hawk has ten games with his name on it and he’s worth a hundred million dollars. Everybody knows the name of Sean White, the Flying Tomato. I know it may take a while but ya gotta start somewhere. Proper wheels and bearings are the secret. Plus you’ll learn an olie from a fakie which will put you in good standing with 13 year-olds, everywhere. Stick that in your half-pipe and smoke it.

Number 4: Don’t watch Dancing with the Stars. It only makes things worse. Seeing a 90 year-old Cloris Leachman in a leggy dress doing the Lambada has been the direct cause of 32 known cases of blocked colons in America.

Number 3: Chicken Soup with Matzo Balls
For some unexplainable reason, it has been a cure-all since the dawn of time – kind of like a good hummer.

Number 2: Raw Street Grade Crack Cocaine
It’ll round out the Paxil real nice.

Number 1: DO NOT WATCH THE NEWS…
…or Nanny 911, America’s top Model. Jon and Kate Plus Eight, or Wife Swap. Don’t we have enough “BAD” reality going on around us right now? Keep thinkin’ them happy thoughts my bruthas. “One with God, One with everything, One with the universe.”

Tuesday is a good day,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman