Hey, I got the date right this time.

A Life Alt-ering Experience
OK, we had all these long and most important discussions about our favorite cougars the other day, and then I read today that one of the picks on my list is donning her birthday suit for Hugh Hefner. At 48 years old, Super Model Carol Alt will be displaying her cougary goodness for all the world to gander in an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine. Hommina, hommina. She used to have a thing for hockey players. Alt was once married to Ron Greschner of the New York Rangers, and then dated a much younger, Russian star, Alexi Yashin. Hey, I played hockey through juniors. I wonder if she digs buffets?

Little baby Clockwork Jihad
OK, sometimes do we hear what we really wanna hear? Some yahoo in Oklahoma by the name of Gary Rofkahr of Owasso, went to his local news and complained about a doll that Walmart is now yanking from its shelves. It may seem that the Little Mommy Real Loving Baby Cuddle and Coo doll isn’t just an innocent child’s plaything. The only word she’s supposed to utter is “mama”, but this Skokie claims she makes a couple of other strange noises and when you listen to it closely, the doll is saying , “Islam is the light.”

Wow, Islama-dollism! What a neat and subversive way to teach Islam to all American boys and girls.

Apparently, the doll has had some dangerous effects on Rofkahr’s five year old daughter Britney. The once sweet and carefree youngster has been shouting in her Kindergarden class, “Death to the infidels” and she has made an internet video of herself, cutting the heads off the other children’s Barbies. She has even vowed an all-out jihad during nap-time. (Don’t drink the milk – it’s spoiled…anthrax, most likely.)

“This type of behavior simply can not be tolerated in our school system,” says principal Boon Daggit. “Britney is undergoing some severe psychiatric evaluations, including waterboarding and being shown violent movies while listening to classical music.”

Meanwhile, spokes people from toy makers Mattel are outraged at the accusations, and emphatically deny that the doll is spewing Islamabad hate messages, and will continue preparing for the national launch of their newest doll sensation, Little Suzie Satan.

Jivin’ Jerry Jones
When the Dallas Cowboys signed star player Pacman Jones, they took a gamble based on his troubled past. He was severely warned by the Dallas bossman himself about showing good behavior as a member of the team with the stars on their heads. But yesterday at a team function, Pacman started verbally ribbing one of his – get this – body guards at the meeting, when all of a sudden the two took things a bit too seriously and exchanged blows.

Team owner Jerry Jones was right there and had this to say to the media…

“They were literally kidding each other,” Jerry Jones said Thursday. “They were jiving around … and all of a sudden one of them starting saying some things, and here you go.”

JIVING around? Did you say JIVING, Mr. Jerry? You mean like shuckin’ and jiving? You mean like “You jive turkey?” Holy crap, people, am I the only one who picked up on this? Do you think if two white players were in a scuffle, Jones would say they were “jiving?” Wow, this guy may be a multi-gozillionaire, but he sure is a social boner. He also told reporters that he loves all of the colored players on the team and shows no favoritism to anyone.

And excuse me, but how sad is it that a professional athlete needs to have several body guards wherever he wanders – including at the stadium? That’s just unfathomable. Hey, I wonder if there’s a Mrs. Pacman? Wockawockawockawockawockawockawockawockawocka…

And that’s all the news unfit to print.

Enjoy yer Tuesday or Friday…whatever,

Tommy Z.

JR Ciagrs Blog With the Zman