Yesterday morning on the Today Show, Mr. Mad Money, Jim Cramer freaked a lot of people out with his commentary on the financial crisis. He said that if you need cash anytime in the next five years – take ALL of your money out of the stock market, immediately. I heard that repeated on a number of shows last night and I was blown away that a sort of “self-proclaimed” money guy who throws stuffed bulls at the camera while picking stocks to sound effects could have so much impact on the populous.

The whole thing is ironic because in order to turn this around the American people need to spend their money. But consumer confidence is SO low that the consensus is to stuff it under the mattress like our grandparents did some 80 years ago. Many economists are actually using the “D” word and THAT is a really bad, bad thing. The George W. Bush legacy is truly a sad one.

So this morning I was thinking about businesses that are for the most part, insulated from economic downturns. First off, people who buy distressed properties are having a field day. It’s certainly a vulture mentality, but just like “real” vultures, they serve a purpose. Healthcare will continue to thrive no matter what, but people may opt for generic drugs more than ever before. I was in the A&P shopping for soup yesterday and bought ten cans of the generic store brand, which I never do. That type of habit will become widespread, no doubt. But for the time being, I’ll stay away from generic meat.

I just read that state lotteries are capitalizing on America’s duress by upping their ad budgets, and filling consumers heads with dreams of eternal horse-hockey. Talk about vultures preying on the economically deprived. When the collective mindset puts their stock into the lottery, “we knows we’s in trouble, Wheezy.”

You know what? I’ll bet that liquor and beer sales go up. Drinking your way through a depression just may be the admirable thing to do. It’s kind of like a “wake me when it’s over” mentality. I guarantee casual drinkers will start getting crocked on the weekends, and the avid booze-hounds will get snookered on a nightly basis. People will be showing up for work three sheets til’ Tuesday and production will take a very wrong turn. Note to self – Pay special attention to school bus drivers and air traffic controllers.

I’m betting dollars to donuts (such a stupid saying, isn’t it?) that prostitution takes a healthy up-turn. I mean where else in the world right now can your day have a happy ending? Since we’re all getting screwed, we may as well make it a conscious choice. Blowing your money may take on a whole new meaning. Go-go bars may have to reduce the price of a lap dance or start doing 2 for 1 deals. And the internet porn sites may just see an increase in hits on their free ten-second clips. Face it, sex is a stress reducer and Dr. Z emphatically says to punch that monkey and give the dancing clown a ride. Okay, I’m not sure what the hell that actually means, but I’m convinced you’ll somehow make good use of my half-baked, retard jargon.

Unfortunately, cigar sales are taking a hit, but I will say that the ardent smokers, the ones who consider it a lifestyle will continue puffing away. To reduce cigar consumption would almost be like having to stop eating for many. For me, and many of you it is a way of life – part of our genetic makeup. Cigars in the $10 range may take a hit, but those in the $3 to $5 category may see an increase. While we ardent connoisseurs certainly won’t start stocking our humidors with Dutch Masters and Philly Blunts, I’ll bet that more moderately priced smokes just may become the norm for many.

I saw basically the same report on two different news channels that while Americans are over-stressed at this point in time, women take it much worse than men and are subject to even greater emotional upheaval. And for us guys, that’s just f@#king swell news…ain’t it? Great – now my wife can go to a 26-day period with four days off to enjoy life. I know that liquor consumption is going up in MY home – that’s for goddamned sure.

And, at least one good sign is that the government hasn’t started producing Soilent Green, yet, so we got that going for us.

My advice…Stay cool and don’t freak, cause there’s nothing we can do but be good to one another and ride out the storm. Light up a nice puro, have a sip of something sweet, rub one out if you have to, and go buy some generic soup – it’s not so bad. Hey…at least you got ME to look forward to each day – Mr. Polish Sunshine at your service.

Enjoy the day cause it’s the only one you’ve got,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman