So the glaring bungholes in Washington vote down the bullsquat bailout and the market tanks. Then it shoots back up the following day. Now, they finally agree on the bailout and what happens – the market is down over 200 points by mid morning.

I think the lesson we’ve all learned is that we – under NO circumstances – can we watch or listen to any forms of news, whatsoever. I mean it. We need to occupy our selves and our minds with more constructive and positive things in order to keep our morale high, and our chance for violent stroke, low.

So I made a list of 30 HOTTIE COUGARS that I would personally offer up my relations with – all in the spirit of keeping my mind off this tumultuous financial hell. I mean, I don’t want my kids to come home from school and find me laying in a pool of my own piss, while I’m clutching my chest with MSNBC on in the background. No siree, bub, I need a happy-time outlet, and tagging the elusive cougar like Marlin Perkins sidekick is a swell and dandy idea.

Now if you’ve followed this little bloggy, or know me personally, you’re very aware for my incessant love for older women since my pre-pubescent years. While my buddies were oogling the cutsie cheerleaders, I was eyeballing their moms – and yes, my pals all thought I was a freak. I could never explain it but at 13 years old, I admired women in their 30’s. (Doesn’t that mean I should like 80 year-olds now?) Now – all my pals tell me I was way ahead of my time – a pioneer of some sorts for the mighty cougars in the great milfosphere – a trailblazing Polack whose inner guidance was as depraved as his outer self.

So here’s the list of ladies who are still around and looking mah-vel-us that I will personally contact – for the good of our fine nation. I’m sure you fellas will add to the list, but please keep in mind that I painstakingly thought of these names while the market was dropping with more force than Rosie O’donell’s lunch box. I have googled recent pictures of every one of them and they have met the approval of my cromagnon and sociopathic rating system. One thing to note – I don’t give a damn about plastic surgery, synthetic implants, tummy tucks and honker jobs… I am a shallow and loathsome beast and therefore I takes ‘em likes I sees ‘em.

Here ye be…and remember, it’s based on how they look NOW – so forget about Dawn Wells and Goldie Hawn because, well, google their photos and you will experience a sure bout of George Costanza shrinkage.

Raquel Welch
Jane Seymour
Suzanne Sommers
Fran Dresher
Tina Fey
Renee Russo
Cindy McCain
Sarah Palin
Terri Hatcher
Demi Moore
Sharon Stone
Rachel Hunter
Nicole Sheridan
Kim Catrall
Mariska Hargitay
Mika Brzezinski
Cindy Crawford
Christie Brinkley
Susan Lucci
Linda Gray
Heather Locklear
Dana Delany
Annie Archer
Kirsten Davis
Linda Carter
Julia Louie Dryfus
Nancy O’Dell
Morgan Fairchild
Dolly Parton
Shannon Tweed

Raquel was my first real love as a child. Whenever she was on TV Guide the cover was always missing within minutes. I have to say that Morgan Fairchild has ALWAYS drove me insane and she still looks incredible. Annie Archer has always been such a beauty. Linda Carter is still built like a brick poophouse. Linda Gray looks better than she did 20 years ago. I have forever been sweet on Dana Delany – rowr! Check out Mika Brzezinski from the morning news talk show, Cup of Joe. Nancy Odell from Access Hollywood is stunning at 42. Jane Seymour is still a goddess, oh yes she is. And the Republican ladies got the ol’ hanging chad in an upright voting position.

Like fine wine these women have aged so well, (even though I admit that fine wine doesn’t need surgical procedures.) And I am reaching out – asking them for help during this time of financial crisis in America. There is no question that lending their love and services to a misguided and perverse cigar blogger would be the patriotic thing to do.

God Bless America,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman