JOIN ME IN CELEBRATING JR CIGARS BLOG WITH THE ZMAN’s FIRST ANNIVERSARY! (A Retrospective of Mindnumbing Fodder)

I cannot not for a second believe that one year of writing this crazy-ass column has passed. I have written five blogs a week for 52 straight weeks – 261in total. That’s approximately 184,000 words. I can’t even fathom that.

In early September of ’07, Lew Rothman, the illustrious and legendary head cheese of JR Cigars asked me to lunch and wanted to know if I could write a blog five days a week. Without hesitation I said “sure” and started immediately planning subject matter to yak about. Well, after the first month I ran out of ideas and was absolutely scared shitless – how the hell was I going to do this every single day? I expressed some concern to Lew and he said I could cut it down to a few days a week if I wanted, but after thinking about it, I was determined to push myself to come up with fresh ideas and turn them into something people would enjoy reading. I’d never done anything like this before and it was a huge challenge. Listen, I know I’m not fusing neutrons or working on a cure for halitosis or anything, but being consistently consistent – every goddamned day – and come up with crap that people would not only read, but want to comment on, is not an easy task at all – even for a professional. One day a while back, I was REALLY late posting the blog and the boss sent me an email saying, “What’s the matter… you run out of your mindless crap to write?”

In case you were wondering, it’s a weird little process creating this deal. Very rarely do I know what I’m going to write about, the night before. When I wake up I drag my ass to the computer and immediately scan the news sites, the entertainment sites, the sports sites, and sometimes it takes five minutes – and sometimes 2 hours – but eventually a spark of an idea hits me and I’m off to the races. Some blogs are on subject matter where I need to do a little research on Google, Wikipedia, and what have you. Others are just a flow of creative consciousness and I go into an almost zombie-like trance and my fingers fly. In fact, oftentimes I read it back and can’t believe I wrote it. Then there have been times where after several hours absolutely NOTHING hits me whatsoever and that’s where I’ve learned to trust myself. I will literally hover my fingers over the keyboard in a semi-meditative state and a word or a phrase will eventually come into my noggin. The perfect example was the blog from a few days ago on boxed wine. I swear, those two words just came into my consciousness and then 700 plus words later I had a blog that got a ton of good comments. It almost weirds me out because I really don’t know where the words come from. I know I’m getting all metaphysical here, but it’s the freakin’ truth. But like I said, I’ve learned to trust and what I need shows up every time. (Say – think there’s some kind of life-lesson in that? Hmmm…)

As I look back over the past year I’ve written some crazy shit, some damned funny stuff if I say so myself, and some stuff that rattled a few cages. When I wrote the Blog entitled “Got MILF” about my love since early childhood for older woman, I got an email from Lew with only four words, which read, “Got MILF got complaints.” From that point on I have affectionately referred to them as “cougars.” Now in fairness, Lew has been incredible to me, and has given me a creative leash ten miles long. He is very supportive of my writing and has often told me when I’ve made him laugh. When he and I were in the Dominican Republic a few months ago, we were pouring our café con leche at the breakfast table and out of the blue he said, “That was a damned funny blog you wrote on barbequing and how Prometheus gave us fire.” I’m always taken aback by that sort of thing because once I write a story it’s done and gone from my mind – and I had written that particular one several weeks earlier.

And again if you were wondering – the disclaimer at the top of the blog is true. No one reads or approves what I write before I post it. (A true Polack maverick.) That is some serious creative freedom that I’m allowed and I’m very fortunate and appreciate it tremendously. It’s hard to put a straight jacket on a humorist – especially a sick and twisted dirtbag like me – and have their true style come out to play and stay consistent. I remember in that first meeting asking Lew what words I can’t say and he basically said I could just about say anything I wanted – just be careful and for anything nasty put some keyboard symbols in the middle. (I used discretion and confirmed that the “C” word was of course off limits. I mean this IS a family blog, right?…a dysfunctional family.) Just last week some humorist with a blog of his own took me to task that I did not need to swear and that there is no humor in vulgarity. But the humor doesn’t come from the curse word, it comes from the timeliness of its placement in context with the situation, and in context with my demeanor. Remember, I’m half Italian, half Polish, and live in northern New Jersey, smack dab in the middle of Soprano country. The F-word is a part of the everyday vernacular round these parts, and a well-placed F-Bomb can definitely liven up any Girl Scout Troop function or Sunday Worship in a hurry. So, to that writer who didn’t have the balls to return my email – why not ask Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Ron White, and Jim Norton WTF they think.

Early on I wrote a real piss and vinegar rant about the S-CHIP bill and how it will kill the cigar business. Well, I found out that Newt Gingrich actually posted it on his own blog. Hey, lib or con, it don’t matter – the speaker of the house of the United States put MY words on his site. And, it’s actually still there. That is pretty cool.

I’ve covered a ton of stuff, guys – the financial pain of Christmas, Don Imus’s dumbass remarks, cartoons from the old days, the Giants amazing Super Bowl victory and winning my head shaving bet with Fez from XM Radio’s Ron and Fez show, childhood snow days, the Hollyweird contingent, getting f-d over at the local Burger King, my friend the amazing Pitbull of personal development Larry Winget, non-English speaking fast-food order takers, the Goddess Oprah, White Castle farts, cheap people, Reality Hellivision, PETA, Viagra, stalling with Larry Craig, male bonding, the chick who was stuck to her toilet for two years, Albert Goreknob and his Global Warming marketing machine, my friend and ciagr buddy Ronnie Bennington, my son’s travel hockey and baseball exploits which ended up as a feature article in Smart Money Magazine, useless weathermen, and the never ending quest to exploit political correctness in it’s most evil form.

Of course nothing has given me more fodder than the evil, scumbag, politico retards who attempt to run this nation, but are in turn ruining this nation. My second blog ever asked for a button in the voting booth that allows you to press “NONE OF THE ABOVE” and it seems to be a popular idea even an entire year later.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot…I occasionally I talk about cigars – go figure. Cigars are a true passion in my life and I have met some of the finest people anywhere in this industry – in the DR, Honduras, Las Vegas, Florida, and of course the great people at JR right here in New Jersey.

So Happy Anniversary to this f-ing blog. I have a ball doing this and I so much appreciate the comments and emails I get every single day from those who support me. You guys are awesome and I’m glad I have the opportunity to make you forget even for just a few minutes about the annoying crap that’s being jammed down our collective throats each and every day.

Smoke ‘em cuz ya gottem, my bruthas (and sisters) – it’s time to fire up an Ultimate,
Tommy Z.
JR CIGARS Blog With the Zman