Holidays show up whether we’re ready or not. And Halloween is a crazy-ass pagan ritual that has always been known to come with fun and mischief. But this year Halloween is nowhere near as frightful as the Global economy.

Every year there are the popular costumes but this year it won’t be Ironman or Batman.

“What are you supposed to be Suzie?”

“Why I’m the economy Mr. Dithers. See how lame I walk as I beg for your candy. In fact, can you throw some cash in the bag as well? 700 billion ought to do it.”

Then there’s Joey who falls flat on his face then gets up, then repeats it every other step. “I’m the Stock Market and I have the grotesque bruises to prove it! My mom made me take Dramamine before I went out.”

And the always popular Grim Reaper outfit now comes with a nametag that reads, “Mortgage CEO.”

This year many of the houses who have their lights off won’t be because cranky old people live inside – it’ll be because the bank owns them. And it is certainly a rough time to be coerced into buying expensive sugar-laden junk for kids you don’t know. I mean think of it – society dictates that we have to spend money we don’t have on starting children off to an early road of obesity and a diabetic coma. “Oh, it’s only a few bags of candy”, my ass! That’s gas money now a days, or better yet, groceries to feed the family (Or in my case, several choice smokes I won’t be enjoying on my patio.) You know, I may just toss pre-smoked cigar butts into the little bastid’s bags. Maybe it’ll start ‘em off right with the hobby that all of us already enjoy. Plus, it’ll keep ‘em from coming around next year, that’s for sure.

I will say that the one thing I do enjoy are the gaggle of Milfs parading their little one’s around. I think I’ll put a sign on my lawn today that reads, “Nymphomaniacs Welcome.” I figure only serious takers will come forward and not waste my time.

About fifteen years ago this absolute smokin’ hottie mid-twenties brunette came to the door, holding her newborn who was dressed like a cat while moma displayed a fresh rack of low hanging pumpkins. Of course I glared at her jack-o-laneterns like the horned demon I really am and smiled like a half-baked retard as I mindlessly stuffed handfuls of Goobers and Raisinettes into the toddler’s sack. Then, I swear – this broad says to me, “Don’t you have a treat for mommy, too?” Now, my wife was inside and I really didn’t know how to take it, so I asked, “Well, whaddaya like?” Her answer was, “Wahddaya got that’s good for a bad girl?” as she stood there smiling. I stuck my head out the door peering left and right expecting Alan Funt to spring from the bushes as this all started to feel like the makings of a really bad 70’s porn flick.

I was pretty much freaked and completely out of any witty retorts, so I asked what she was supposed to be dressed as. And her answer – I swear to the Great Pumpkin, himself… “I’m a moma pussy, silly.!” was her answer as she raised her eyebrows and giggled like schoolgirl. Well, as you can imagine, that wasn’t the only thing “raised” at that moment. Testosterone was shooting from my pores as I felt like Clark Griswold in the Vacation pool scene with Christie Brinkley. And just when my engorged and throbbing – uh – ego was at it’s breaking point, I felt the steaming hot breath of my wife on the back of my neck as her elbow thrust into the my lower ribcage. To this day, my teenage kids still don’t know why their father isn’t allowed to give out candy.

I will admit that a bad thing about working from home on Halloween is staring at that gargantuan bowl filled with Butterfingers and Crunch bars. But a few handfuls and a hot cup o’ joe sure do make for a tasty breakfast.

Happy, Happy…
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

Today’s blog is dedicated to my cigar budday and faithful Phillies fan, Ronnie B.

Last night, a twenty-eight year championship drought came to an end as the Philadelphia Phillies won the 2008 World Series of baseball. In 1980, the Phills beat the Kansas City Royals, which was the last time a team from the city of brotherly love won anything of major proportions. The crowd went berserk as pitcher Brad Lidge fell to his knees while the entire team joined in for a rousing game of “dog pile on the rabbit.” In the post game interview, Lidge heartily thanked Jesus Christ, but I honestly don’t remember any of the Nazareth native’s at bats.

No doubt the fans are in nirvana and I can only wonder what the over / under is on overturned burning cars in South Philly. Make no mistake, this victory is big for these people. The fans of the city’s four major sports franchises have lived with hardened hearts as failure became the norm, lo these past three decades. They’ve watched their Eagles dive, the Sixers sink, and the Flyers flop year in and year out. These icy-cold fanatics are famous for booing Santa Claus for crissakes! In 1995, Joe Carter of the Toronto Blue Jays hit a series ending, walk-off grand slam homerun off Phillies relief ace Mitch Williams and the citizens of Pennsylvania haven’t been quite right ever since…until last night, that is.

It’s truly amazing how one big win can erase eons of brutal frustration. Just ask Boston Red Sox fans who just about went an entire century without a Series ring. And with that first big win, the fans finally forgave ol’ Billy Buckner for his game six faux pas in the 1986 World Series against the New York Mets. Then there’s hockey’s New York Rangers who went a painful 54 years without a Stanley Cup until a god named Messier delivered my favorite team in sports to the promised land. And it is amazing how powerful a championship is because that game seven win for the Rangers on a warm June night some fourteen years ago seems like it was only yesterday for me.

As an ardent sports fan, I’m fortunate to have seen several memorable championships for my favorite teams during my lifetime. The Rangers as I mentioned in ’94, the Mets in ’69 and ’86, and the Giants in 86’, ‘91, and of course, last season over the previously undefeated New England Patriots. Some cities have been blessed with winners like Pittsburgh’s Pirates, Steelers, and Penguins, Oakland’s, A’s and Raiders, Colorado’s Avalanche and Broncos, and the New England areas Patriots, Bruins, Red Sox, and Celtics. And if you’re a fan of the New York Yankees or the Montreal Canadiens, then you are friggin spoiled rotten beyond all comprehension.

On the flipside you have the city of Chicago whose NHL’s Black Hawks haven’t hoisted a Cup in forty-seven years, and the loveable Cubbies, whose 100-year title drought is the longest of any major North American professional sports teams. Let’s not forget the Detroit Lions who suck like a two-dollar hooker year in and year out. Their team motto should be: Ruining Your Thanksgiving for Over Half a Century. The city of Toronto lives and dies by the Maple Leafs as hockey is truly religion in Southern Ontario. But the Leafs haven’t seen a Cup since ’67, which is an awful long time for a storied franchise to stay silent. And Buffalo’s Bills and Sabres have only delivered heartbreak (Wide right and a Hull of a non-call) dating all the way back to the sixties.

But for the moment, God has shined his loving rays upon south-east Pennsylvania as all the kudos in the world belongs to the Philadelphia Phillies – and the likes of Richie Allen, Steve Carlton, Mike Schmidt, Mitch Williams, and yes, even Kris Kringle have been vindicated.

Later Dudes,

Tommy Z,

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

The other day I talked about the ten things you NEVER say to a guy – written by of course a chick without a friggin clue because of one major detail…SHE THINKS LIKE A CHICK!

Well, today I have the list of TEN Things that WE WISH (oh a tall wish indeed) women would say to us. Wow, would we all have a better world to live in…

#1 – What time is the football game on?
“I only ask, honey, because I’ll take some of the yard work off your hands – and then I’ll go out for a while – umm, probably giving you enough time until the post game show over. Oh yeah, chili is on the stove and cold beer is in the fridge. And I hope the Giants tear Dallas a new ass!”

#2 – Would You Mind If My Two Smoking Hot Divorced Friends, Sandy and Kelly Come Over and Have Some Drinks With Us Tonight?
“Honey, it would be such thoughtful thing to do. Those two have been so lonely and do they ever need companionship. Hey, we can break out that vodka that gets you drunker than hell. I don’t remember a thing from the last time we drank that stuff. Plus they have got to be the sexiest women I know with kids – especially after the boob jobs. Please, baby, I’ll make it up to you.”

#3 – Damn It Babe, When the Hell Was the Last Time You Golfed?
“I can’t remember the last time you played a good round with your buddies. What the hell, Man, I didn’t buy you those Pings so you could just do work all the time. And I don’t give a shit what a weekend round costs – your sanctity of mind is what’s important. Oh by the way…here’s a few Montecristos. Those should last you through the day.

#4 – I Bought the Kids Movie Tickets for Tonight So We Can Crawl in the Hot Tub and Hump
“You cool with that?”

#5 – I Know the Economy Sucks and All, but God Dayum, You Would Look So Hot Driving a New Corvette!
You know honey, maybe it’s time I started showing you off a little. I mean I know I take you for granted sometimes and I couldn’t be luckier to have you as a husband. Just go to Chevy’s website and check out the 2009 Vette page. If I have to take a part-time job to help with the financing – well, it’s the least I can do.”

#6 – Do You Mind If We Watch Some Porn Tonight?
“Reality TV just sucks lately and I know how much you love those Cougar on Cougar scenes. Btw, there’s a large can of whipped cream in the fridge that I just picked up from Costco.”

#7 – You Know How I Told You That You Don’t Play Enough Golf?…
Well you sure as hell don’t play enough POKER, either. I mean really… when was the last time to you and your pals had a killer evening of Hold ‘Em? Tell you what, I’ll pick up a few cases, make a load of sandwiches, and wait up until you’re stinkin’ drunk.”

#8 – If I was bi-sexual, which of my friends would you like to see me with?
“Now I’m not saying that it’s gonna happen, but could you just do me a favor and let me know your opinion on this one? And don’t be shy about it.”

#9 – You Know – Call Me Crazy, But We REALLY Should Turn the Spare Bedroom Into a Walk-In Humidor.
“I know, where will our guests sleep? But, your cigars CAN’T be getting the right humidity just stuffed in all of those little boxes you’ve got them in. Come on – be practical here. You’ve spent a lot of money on all those things – especially the Cubans and the Anniversarios – and the last thing you want is for them to go to shit. I already looked on line and it’s not too hard to do, plus that cedar smell is intoxicating. Use your head, here.”

#10 – All Right – We’ll Compromise…
“We’ll divide the room in half…Half will be a walk-in humidor and the other half will be a man-cave for watching sports and smoking all those friggin stogies. The flat screen and surround sound is a given…but do you think a pool table will fit? You’re Okay with this…right? I know it’s kind of selfish on my part, but I love when you crawl into the sack all stinking like a JR Ultimate Maduro.”

Wow…if there truly is a God, this will happen some day. One day, we will all be Kings again.

Until tomorrow,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

I’ve been in that World Series kind of mood this past week as the Phillies and the Rays have been slugging it out. Last night we saw something we thought we’d never see – game delayed to another day because of rain. Man, has baseball changed. When I was a kid they only played the World series games in the daytime and would have finished the game in a monsoon. I know I sound like and old fart, but the players WERE tougher and a guy would play if his head was hanging on his neck by a thread.

Back in the day, NOBODY was tougher (or crazier) than a catcher. Those guys truly took a lickin’ but kept on tickin’. And there are certainly guys who stand out above the rest while donning the proverbial “Tools of Ignorance.” Now if you’re a sports fan, and especially if you love baseball, you of course know the man who is considered one of the greatest catchers the game has ever known, the incomparable Yogi Berra. He’s the loveable guy whose world famous “Yogi-isms” make you both laugh and scratch your head at the same time. (”I never said half the things I really said…It’s tough making predictions, especially about the future…Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”. – freakin’ classics, every damned one of them.) Enshrined in the Cooperstown Hall of Fame in 1972, he was a 15 time all-star, won ten World Series rings, hit 358 homeruns, and was named American League MVP on three different occasions.

But do you know of his son? Well if you follow baseball, then sure you do. Dale Berra was a hell of a third baseman, playing 8 seasons with the Pittsburgh Pirates, and brief stints with the Yankees and Astros. But wait… do you know about his “other” son? Tim Berra went on to play in the NFL for the Baltimore Colts. But I’m talking about his OTHER son! He’s a member of the Metropolitan Cigar Society in Fairfield, New Jersey, the very same cigar club that I am a member of. Larry Berra is just a great guy and if you want to talk serious baseball and get a major league blast of nostalgia while you’re at it, just light up a stoag with Larry and the guy will have you riveted for hours.

“I grew up around many of the legendary New York Yankees, but I never even thought of them as ball players,” Larry says. “They were dad’s friends, and their sons were my friends. In fact, Ted Williams and guys from other teams were actually my favorite players because the guys I saw everyday were really my like family.”

It’s amazing how a kid in his position didn’t have a clue what sheer greatness he was around day in and day out. Phil Rizutto was Larry’s godfather and guys like Mantle, Maris, Skowran, Bauer, McDoogle, and Howard were like his uncles. “Back then, the players kids were allowed in the locker room and I would talk to Mickey and Roger about school and stuff I was involved in as a kid. But no one loved kids more than Casey Stengel. He’d throw ballplayers and managers out of his office but the player’s children were ALWAYS allowed to stay.”

Larry was a dyed in the wool Yankee his entire life until that day in 1963 when New York management fired his dad – and he hated the team for a very long time. When Yogi coached the New York Mets in ’65, Larry’s allegiance moved cross-town as blue and orange became his favorite new color scheme. His dad coached the Mets for eight seasons, but when Gil Hodges passed away, number eight became Manager of the Amazins and in 1973 came within one game of winning the World Series, losing to an Oakland A’s powerhouse.

I asked Larry if “he” played and I got a “Hell yeah, I played! I was a catcher and when I was in the Florida State League in ‘71, I was the first player to hit a homerun off of Ron Guidry. And I never let him forget it, to this day, either!” Unfortunately, a rainy day and a soaking wet field caused Larry to blow out his knee and give up the game he loved.

“My favorite stat of my dad’s is that even though his lifetime average was .285, he hit .320 with runners on base and .330 from the seventh inning on. He could always turn it on at the most clutch moments.”

Finally, it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t ask Larry what “his” personal favorite Yogism is. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it!”

The classics NEVER die,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

While I surf the web daily for ideas to expound upon in this blog of inane blogginess, I often come across articles on advice that give me a good laugh, and today’s is a perfect example. On AOL’s daily news site, this chick who is a supposed relationship expert has the definitive list – stringent advice on the TEN things that you NEVER say to your guy. I always find a woman’s perspective on the male psyche to be interesting to say the least. She tells her side of Earth’s human species to “zip their lips” when it comes to certain phrases. So let’s see what our expert has to say…

#1 – Do You Love Me?
It’s funny because the typical male’s answer to that question is almost always the same: “WTF is that supposed to mean?”

#2 – I’m Thinking of Having Plastic Surgery
Our expert claims that men want their women to have natural beauty and that the “real” you, the girl he fell for won’t be there anymore. What a crock of doody! I say bring on the saline and pump those puppies up. I’d love it if my wife came home with a new set of big bouncy cans. The first thing I’d do is toss her a basketball and watch her dribble in a low cut top. Although paying for them is another story.

#3 – You Used to Take Me Out and Now We Don’t Do Anything
Whaddya mean we don’t do anything? We watched the Giant’s game, grappled in the sack for three minutes, shopped on line at JR.com, and you cooked me a wonderful roast beef dinner! I think this was a pretty perfect Sunday, if you ask me.

#4 – Don’t You Like My New Outfit (Or Hairdo?)
Okay, now this is a lot of pressure for a guy because the initial response his brain makes is – “What new hairdo or outfit?” But we act cool, try not to flinch and make a suave remark like, “Sure looks better than that old p.o.s. you used to have.” And as you know, that is a very BAD answer, but at that moment your team is inside the five yard line and she couldn’t friggin wait until the end of the goddamned game?!

#5 – Don’t You Want to Go Shopping?
Which is like asking a man, “Do you want me to stick red- firey burning coals in your eyes and pour gasoline on your old Marvel Comics collection?” If the shopping is for you, she’s saying that your three Metallica t-shirts and one pair of shredded jeans make you look like garbage. And if the shopping is for her, well then bring on the coals but don’t dare touch the comics.

#6 – Can We Talk? (While he’s trying to watch the game.)
Unless it’s about Pittsburgh’s inability to run on the Giants D, what time the Rangers/Islanders game is tonight, if you’d like to make a beer and hot wing run, or if I think that 15 minutes during halftime is enough to pleasure me…please keep the pie-hole on auto-shut. If it’s about the yenta’s at work or the fact that I forgot our anniversary, please wait until I’m in a drunken stupor and passed out in a heaping mess of my own bodily fluids.

#7 – I Only Slept With (insert number) of Guys Before You
Yes, every man wants to have a clear mental picture of another guy shtooping the gal he said “I Do” to. Please – give me all the details, no really – want to know. The so-called expert says a woman should NEVER – EVER let this proverbial cat out of the bag. Oh come on, we’re bigger than that, we can take it… I mean I want to hear all about the days with her heals high in the air while screaming out some dirtload named Roscoe’s name while spread eagle over a duffle bag full of hockey equipment in the back of his ’76 Pinto.

#8 – You Care More About Your Friends Than You Do Me
Now the expert claims this is some kind of trust issue, but since I’m a guy, I don’t get what the hell this broad is getting at. Hey, my friends are important to my life – we smoke cigars, watch the game, go golfing, and other neat stuff. Honey, they could never replace your vacuuming skills and the fact that you dig anal. And do you think that Joe or Sal would wash my underwear? Come on.

#9 – Why Don’t You Start going to the Gym?
The expert does have this one right as she claims that nagging your man could actually cause him to do the exact opposite. She says to the ladies to get your guy to take a hike in the mountains and then share a bottle of wine together. Sounds great, but she leaves out the part about humping in the dirt until your head explodes. And if you have Verizon, your man can even catch the scores of the games in real time.

#10 – Does This Make Me Look Fat?
The ultimate question that every broad since the dawn of time has asked every poor schlep who owns a penis.
“Og…dis bear fur make me look fat?”
“Ugh, watching dinosaur fights with Glock. Got Raptors at 3 to 1. Make fire and come back later.”
“Og…I want to know now – does dis bear fur make me look fat?”
“Uh…No… course not… YOU make you look fat.”
“Owwwwwwww!” (as Bronto bone is hurled across his thickened brow.)

Honesty may not always be the best policy as a lady’s feelings get hurt, but then the woman gets mad if she thinks you’re lying to her. It is the classic No-Win situation – just ask Og.

So that’s it. I hope I cleared things up from the guy’s perspective. God knows if the Mrs. reads this I may not have the use for my hands for a while.

Monday is a Good Day,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

Several weeks back we set a record for comments here on the bloggy with my piece on my top 30 hot COUGARS – you know – gals 35 + up who still look garsh darn nice. I surfed a few men’s sites and it seems that no one really pays much credence to the older ladies and I say that is a flagrant faux pas by the media.

As the weeks have ensued, the number of ladies to make my prestigious list has doubled and I thought I’d make a few additions today for discussion. Let me start by saying that I’m well aware that this is a shallow attempt to get hits onto this site, but I’m pretty sure that the audience won’t seem to mind. We LOVE the ladies and this our man-pig tribute to them all.

Now remember, my criteria is that they are over 35 and still look great – now, in the present. A few of you mentioned Sophia Loren, but I just saw a recent photo of her and her face looks like a catcher’s mitt slathered in Maybeline. And don’t bring up Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island cuz she’s really scary – if you saw her arrest mugshot for getting caught with a bag of weed in her car, you know what I’m talking about..

So here’s some new members of the ALL Z Team – and remember something – I’m a COUGAR freak – so if you don’t like your drive with a little mileage under the hood, than don’t gimme any or your wise-ass lip, capishe?

Okay… I added Halle Berry. Yes, she’s a beautiful lady, indeed, but the people at Esquire Magazine are way out of bounds naming her the sexiest woman alive. Good Lord, I might have several hundred chicks in front of that line. So how about Faith Hill? Yes, oh so very pretty. And we talked of Lori Laughlin from Full House fame, still smoking. Rebecca Romjin looks great. And I really dig Debra Messing from Will & Grace – A sexy redhead and still rockin’.

Some may argue this but I dig Brooke Sheilds. She’s a big-un and quite refined. You ever see Robin Meade from Morning Express on CNN?… Stunning. Julie Chen from CBS Good Morning is a hottie for sure and I’ve always dug Liz Claman from the stock market show, Squawk Box – Another red head who speaks to my innards. Jillian Barbarie has an incredible body and has that “I’m dirtier than a bus tire” look.

Finally, I’ve got a gal that gives me the shivers and HOT is just not a hot enough description. She was on the Best Damned Sports Show, Monday Night Football, and is just one very large, long legged, Latin beauty by the name of Lisa Guerrero. Wow – I mean homina, homina…this lady gets my external compass pointing north.

So there ya have it…. New additions to the fold… here’s the list so far… so talk amongst yer selves.

You can NEVER beat this topic to death. Rooooooowr!

Raquel Welch
Jane Seymour
Suzanne Sommers
Fran Dresher
Tina Fey
Renee Russo
Cindy McCain
Sarah Palin
Terri Hatcher
Demi Moore
Sharon Stone
Rachel Hunter
Nicole Sheridan
Kim Catrall
Mariska Hargitay
Mika Brzezinski
Cindy Crawford
Christie Brinkley
Susan Lucci
Linda Gray
Heather Locklear
Dana Delany
Annie Archer
Kirsten Davis
Linda Carter
Julia Louie Dryfus
Nancy O’Dell
Morgan Fairchild
Dolly Parton
Shannon Tweed
Bernadette Peters
Nancy Wilson
Jenny McCarthy
Claudia Schiffer
Cheryl Tiegs
Heidi Klum
Elle MacPherson
Sheryl Ladd
Jaclyn Smith
Tonya Roberts
Leeza Gibbons
Pamela Anderson
Bo Derek
Courtney Cox
Carol Alt
Rebecca Romjin
Lori Laughlin
Halle Berry
Adrienne Barbeau
Faith Hill
Brooke Shields
Liz Claman
Lisa Guerrero
Julie Chen
Debra Messing
Jillian Barberie
Robin Meade

Later Boyz,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

Santa Lays Off Thousands – Restructures Workshop

North Pole, October 23, 2008 – In a drastic effort to save Christmas for the 2008 holiday season, Kristopher Kringle, affectionately known as Santa Claus, has ordered the layoffs of thousands of elves in order to combat the sinking global economy. Head Elf spokesman, Hermie “The Dentist” said how saddened Santa and his staff were to make this decision, but with credit lines frozen throughout the world, and with the big day a little more than two months away, Christmas Town (a subsidiary of North Pole Industries) doesn’t have the ability to make payroll for some twenty-five thousand elf workers.

“Approximately 20% of the miniature work force have been given their pink slips and it is a sad day in the Northern Hemisphere,” said Hermie. “My little misfit heart goes out to all the toy makers and their families who produce the hundreds of millions of packages, boxes, and bags for children around the globe.”

Talks between Elf Union Heads and Workshop officials reached a stalemate on Sunday night, and that’s when the “Big Man” decided to make the decision.

“This is reindeer excrement!,” cried Jingles, head of Elf Union 4066 (Video Game Makers), “What the hell are these people supposed to do? I mean it’s Christmas Town fer crissakes – we make friggin toys! – we don’t do anything else, here!”

Another drastic problem facing the land of merry is that foreclosures are up 71% on Gingerbread houses as several key North Pole Banks have been taken by C-Town Feds. Arctic Circle Trust, Glacier Financial, and Candy Mae have all become victims as balloon loans to lower class elves and certain penguin species backfired when rates spiraled out of control.

Vito Scarpone, Union Head of Doll Makers, 1066 was quite animated outside of Santa’s Castle as thousands rallied in support of their frozen comrades. “If I see that fat bastid, I’m gonna gouge out his liver with an Etch-O-Sketch. He saw this coming… and he better not sit with his back to an open igloo, that’s all I gotta say. CAPICHE, TUBBY?!”

Santa will be meeting with key members of the C-Town board at midnight to discuss the restructuring of Workshop management and all toy making operations. Board members include several prominent elves, Dasher and Vixen from the Sleigh Team, Frosty, Yukon Cornelius, as well as the Grinch, who has been appointed as a paid consultant ever since his heart grew three sizes that day. Rudolph has been sidelined because of his battle with addiction to painkillers from that roof collapse incident in Prague last December. And rumor has it that the Abominable Snowman will be brought in to keep the peace in the event that violence erupts in this once very merry town.

Tiny Shapiro was the 27-year foreman of the Slinky line, but now ponders on his options. “I got family in Pompano Beach, Florida and I think that may be best for the wife and kids. I used to bartend at a few high-class strip joints in Montreal and I figure when Spring Break hits, they’re gonna need a guy who can make a mean Rum Runner.”

BREAKING NEWS…BREAKING NEWS…Santa is at the podium on his castle balcony with a prepared speech, as angry Santas helpers are picketing outside the main gate. Let’s listen in…(Santa’s voice will be played by either GW Bush, or Brando as Don Corleone. Try both – I laughed.)

“My fellow Christmas Townians, North Pole residents, Elves, warm and cold blooded critters alike… this is a difficult time in our history and be rest assured that my staff and I are doing everything we can to bring normalcy back to our frigid region. As you know, the collapse of our several financial institutions has caused an economic problem that affects hard working elves and good boys and girls around the globe. For this, I am truly sorry.

And for those out-of-work elves, we will keep you busy as sleds are waiting to ship you to Iraq and Afghanistan to help fight the Taliban and Muslim radical extremists.

We have decided to implement a stimulus package in the amount of 700 billion candy canes that will pay off the bad loans and get our icy economy back on track. The board will vote on this package within a few hours and I hope that bi-partisanship is not a factor. There are still some bad feelings between certain un-named Elves and the Grinch from his earlier “stealing” days and I have asked them to put aside differences for the good of everyone affected. We need to pass this package “quickly” or all toy operations will be in jeopardy. Thank you for your support through this troubled time and I know we will rise up and be merry once again. Ho, ho, ho, and thank you. – No questions.”

Well there you have it. The fat man in the red suit has introduced a 700 billion dollar economic recovery package, but already, many are calling it a candy cane bailout. Internet feedback is telling us that Santa’s approval rating is at a dismal 38% and many feel this is nothing but one big snow job. Even with the recent announcement of his sled going hybrid, geothermal wells and solar panels on the Castle, Santa is still seen as a bungling, senile old fool whose nose isn’t red just from sipping cocoa.

Only time will tell how the holidays will go.

A lot to Ponder,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the zman

Cigars are GOOD for people – and I think GOOD people generally smoke cigars. For the majority, it’s not a habit and most don’t inhale. It is a past time that heightens the senses yet at the same time brings us into a relaxed state. I actually feel more alive, more coherent when I “relax” with a cigar. Nothing ever before in my life has brought me this kind of comfort – and expects nothing in return. There are no expensive seafood dinners, $50 pairs of Jeans on sale at the mall, or back rubs that lead to no sex, required. How wonderfully refreshing.

The thing I love about the cigar is that it is not pretentious in the least. It knows it was born for one thing only – to give us 30 to 60 minutes worth of soothing pleasure then fade into a blue fog of oblivion, never to be heard from again. I used the word refreshing, as time with my cigar is refreshing to the soul – it nourishes my being and prepares me for what the world heaves next upon me.

We can get upset over many things like these goddamned mortgage fools and Wall Street buffoons who have thrown the entire world into a tailspin – but light up a good smoke with perhaps a belt of your favorite hootch and you metaphorically throw up your arms and say F@#K IT! You succumb to powers that you cannot control and decide for that short time that you will reside in the “present.” You know that living in the past is generally based in useless guilt and anger – and living in the future is always rooted in turmoil and fear of the unknown. But the present is the only time where a man can truly experience the life God has given him – and the cigar somehow keeps you grounded. You become one with your cigar as your senses tingle with delight – taste, smell, touch, sight and sound allow you to relish in the experience. How wonderfully existential.

For this, you have many thousands of people you will never know, from Hispanic speaking lands far away who give their daily lives to your nightly smoking pleasure. They are from places where sunshine and rainfall kiss the earth to produce the luscious leaf we hold so dearly. They work on farms in valleys between mountains and tropical landscape where thousand of acres of crop will be harvested and turned into the golden cylindrical tubes we will lay flame to and enjoy. They work in factories doing a myriad of jobs and functions before the roller even gets the chance to perform his craft. You will never know these kind people, but knowing what goes behind their art makes one appreciate it all the more.

Months ago I spent a week in the Dominican Republic and Honduras learning what goes into our loving pastime. Yes, I was blown away at the effort, the sweat, and soul that is needed to produce tobacco plants and turning them into the final product. I have a newfound appreciation for cigars that I never thought I’d have and to Lew Rothman I am so thankful for bringing me along on the journey – a journey filled with so much to tell that it is a feature story in the new Cigar Magazine that should be out any day now. I’m VERY proud of this story and there’s no question that ANYONE who loves cigars will greatly appreciate what I have to tell. It’s my perspective of the days spent there – what I saw, how I felt, and how it has made an indelible impression upon my softened Polack brain. I am all the wiser – really. I was carted around two countries to learn what the hell I’m REALLY writing about, and I can tell you that mission was accomplished.

The cigar is a birth rite, a god given rite of passage that we all hold so dearly. No matter what logo is embossed upon the foil label or the cedar box, no matter what country of origin it was created in, KNOW that it was made for your undivided pleasure and soulful enjoyment. KNOW that it was made by GOOD people, for GOOD people like you and I who will fight to the death before they pry the cigar from my icy cold fingers. Well,, they’re icy cold because I enjoy my single malt on the rocks, but you know what I’m talking about.

Smoke ‘Em Cuz Ya Gottem,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

Comedian Ron White said it best when he named his last album: You Can’t Fix Stupid.

Now I have a few really major pet peeves – One is bad directions. You give me bad directions to driving somewhere and I’ll curse you up and down for days. Another is ineptness. When people are inept at what they do it drives me batty. I owned an ad agency for years and when employees showed signs of ineptness, I lost it. I basically have zero tolerance. And ineptness’s close cousin is STUPID. Now they’re different because those who are inept normally just don’t give a shit and always perform a half-ass effort. But stupid is either genetic, a product of the environment, or basically NEVER applying yourself anywhere at any time in your life. Somehow a person just doesn’t have the capacity to do any better.

Forest Gump was referred to throughout the movie as “stupid” and his patented reply was always “Stupid is, as stupid does.” Forest was born with a slow brain fer learnin’ and a way below average IQ. But that sure as hell didn’t make him a bad person. He did so much good it was amazing – especially taking care of his shrimp loving buddy Bubba’s mom after Bubba died in Vietnam. So I obviously don’t get mad at someone like a Gump – or someone born retarded or mentally impaired. And I don’t refer to those people as stupid – EVER. We all know they are some of the kindest and most loving people on earth.

I’m kind of looking at a mix of the other two reasons – product of environment and never applying one’s self or giving a Shinola. This is probably where ineptness rears its ugly mug. If you hang around with a bunch of ignoramuses, an ignoramus you are sure to be. If you never give a damn about much while growing up, well, hello future 40-year old, six-pack pounding slacker.

Think about some of the dumb-ass morons you hung around with as kids or teens. Life was a bit simpler then and you really didn’t care about a person’s spiritual beliefs, political persuasion, occupational status, or love for hand-rolled cigars. All you cared about were that he could throw a forward pass, he dug Marvel Comics, or could steal beer from his old man’s case of Bud in the basement. But as you got out of high school and looked to bettering yourself, furthering your education and becoming something, some of your friends took the minimum wage, laborer route and suddenly there wasn’t a lot in common anymore (even though he did upgrade to Heineken.) But at that age you’d still watch a football game on TV together or listen to some heavy metal and down a collection of cold ones. You knew your buddy Jack was pretty stupid, but you still had emotional ties as the two of you had done much together over the years. Btw, Jack is a real stupid friend I had who got into a little problem with white shiny powder and lost everything. He borrowed 50 bucks from me 23 years ago and promised for months that he’d “have it the end of this week – I swear!” With compounded interest, that scumbag owes me twenty-seven thousand, four hundred and fifty-six dollars. Jack had a half-witted brother, too. One time Mark rigged a spray painted sign made of an eight-foot piece of plywood on their front lawn that read, FREE KITTENS FOR SALE. Yeah, that’s a keeper. At my wedding 20 years ago, while I was making the rounds from table to table, Jack patted his pockets with both hands and said, I quote, “Musta fergot ma card, buddy!”

Of course then there’s Frankenstein stupid, you know, “bread, drink, uuurrrrrgh, etc” But the flat-headed schlep sure had the smoke part right, so you can’t be too hard on the old Bavarian monster.

Now even as an adult, we still admittedly hangout with a dumb-ass or two. Could be a softball teammate, a poker buddy, or some cretin that always bums a cigar off you. It’s funny because the friendship is limited and only works in that circumstance. The extent of the conversation will always be nothing more than the double play that cost us the inning or I can’t believe he pulled a flush on the river card. Rarely is this the guy you discuss the long-term ramifications of the mortgage crisis, or Wayne Dyer’s theories on becoming one with the universal consciousness. And you can’t possibly discuss the war in Iraq with out him using the words “towel heads, God, M16, and Budweiser” in the same sentence.

No you can’t fix stupid – and you don’t have to hang out with him, either. I know, he may not be a bad guy, but the rebel flag in the rear windshield of his ’79 Dodge Pick-Up and the moose-head flashlight he got for smoking 7,000 packs of Marlboros sure does get under your skin a bit.

I know that we “all” do stupid stuff and quite possibly others may think of US as the stupid-ass that they refuse to hang out. You ever think abut that? Or are you still too busy being all pissed off at that god damned double play?

Tuesday is Good,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

Wall Street commentator and TV wack-job Jim Cramer shocked the world a few weeks ago when on live national morning television he told EVERYONE who needed to have liquid cash in the next 5 years to take EVERY penny out of the stock market IMMEDIATELY. The news sites talked of it all day long as if God himself delivered the message to his people from the holiest of mountaintops. I was beyond taken aback – stunned actually while saying aloud, “Who the hell are YOU?” I mean REALLY! This is the ADHD sociopath who rants, raves, screams, spits, and bobs his chrome dome while waving his body parts on his show. This irked me knowing that 90% of Florida’s residents were going to call their brokers and SELL, then stuff the cash under their Sealy until the rest of their days.

When you hear a Warren Buffet or a Jack Welch type give this kind of advise, one tends to take heed. But when a TV zealot who plays sound effects when picking stocks while throwing stuffed baby cows at the camera makes a brash statement as he did – you tend to get a little nervous. I have the same problem with Suze Orman. OK, lets get past the fact that she’s a dead ringer for Herman Munster in drag (Grandpa, did you mess with your 401K?…DARN, DARN, DARN!), I watched her pleading congress to pass the bailout bill with great immediacy and that nothing would be sane again until it was passed. It was asinine rhetoric that these two talking heads were purveying – all for the sake of ratings. They’ll deny it but they are WAY full of Wall Street BULL.

These two in particular have sensationalized the market and money management and I just can’t listen to their preaching from their ivory towers. House fraus suck up every word Orman has to say with an “Oprah Goddess” kind of zeal, while the Maxim Magazine crowd eats up Jimmy C’s belligerent “vein in the neck” popping tirades. With so many dumb-ass Americans, the two so-called “gurus” know that the average mentality is, “Gosh – if they’re saying it on TV, then it’s gotta be true!”

Personally there are a lot of good money people out there and the best advise is to see what everyone has to say. Then weigh your options and use good judgment. Talk to people, read some books, surf the net and find out the differences of opinion and what makes the most sense to you. The fact that the market is doing a Mt. Vesuvius each day is because people aren’t following the tried and true method of long-term investing. Chicken Little syndrome is running amuck out there and self-proclaimed seers like Cramer are provoking the chaos.

I happen to be in the Larry Winget camp on this one. I recently spoke with the author of NY Times Best Seller, You’re Broke Because You Want to Be” and what he said made so much sense to me…

“I am against this Bailout! I know the ramifications and I know what they SAY will happen if we don’t. I don’t buy it. Lots of economists don’t buy it either. When you reward bad behavior you set a bad example and in this case, you set a precedent where any time an industry gets in trouble, they will consider it their right to go to the government (that’s you and me) to bail them out. I am also against it because any behavior, when rewarded will be repeated. I am also against it because any lesson, not learned will be repeated. This lesson is not being learned because the consequences are not being imposed. You take your licks now or you take them later. I would rather see us take them now. Add to that the fact that we don’t know if it will work or not. For $700 Billion we should know whether it is going to work or not. We don’t have a CLUE.”

He’s right – we don’t have a clue.

You know if the theory holds true that people basically believe what they hear on TV and in the news, I say we try this – round up all the news people, the stock prognosticators, and the Wall Street analysts. Have them all conspire (for our own good) and EVEY SINGLE ONE OF THEM come out and say that the market is great, the global climate is super, it’s a fantastic time to buy – put your faith back into the stock market and start spending again! Like the lemmings we are as a society, things would turn around immediately. Why? Because it’s all based on perception. Right now EVERYONE “believes” that things are bad so it continues to feed on itself becoming a toxic self-fulfilling prophecy. I remember about ten years ago, the semi-conductor market was all the rage and I was snacking on the profits of chip-makers for months. Then some “well-regarded” analyst came out with a forecast that was suddenly dismal for companies like AMD and Texas Instruments. In one week’s time my shares in these chip manufactures plummeted like a lead bag of Doritos. I often though, “What IF that guy said things were good – continue to buy?” I can almost assure you what would have happened. I might be a little facetious here with ya’ll – but not as much as you think.

All right, I know what I said is asinine and all “pie-in-the-sky” goofy, but damn, has anything else worked? I agree with Larry that we should lick our wounds now and learn from it. Why was there such a HUGE rush to put together the “Bailout” package? Why did we rush a 700 billion dollar plan – just to watch the bipartisan ass wipes point fingers at one another and act like a pack of third-grade retards? The whole thing was shameless.

It seems like the only real sane advice – is to stay sane throughout this juncture in time. I mean, what else can you really do? Does panicking help? No. Does lying awake, tossing and turning over your retirement plan help? No. And while they are smart people, I don’t think listening to Cramer and Orman verbatim helps a whole lot, either. In the Clint Eastwood film, Heartbreak Ridge, Clint’s mission was to turn a group of motley marines into crack soldiers. His biggest advise for success in the turbulent world of war was that you need to “adapt, correct, change, and modify.” It’s what WE collectively need to do, people.

BTW, do you know who Leonard the Monkey is? He’s a real life ape who was used to pick stocks against Cramer’s famed Lightning Round picks. After three years, I believe the two are tied but Leanord has something like double the return on investment. And all Suze needs to do is throw a couple of neck bolts on and her Halloween costume is set.

Ooo-fah!

Happy Monday to All,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigar Blog With the Zman