2. STUPID:     
Absurd, asinine, beef-witted, beetle-headed, bovine, brainless, brutish, clod, cloddish, comatose, crass, cretinous, dazed, dense, dimwitted, dizzy, doltish, dopey, dull, dumb, dumbbell, dunce, fat-witted, fatuous, foolish, footless, humdrum, idiot, idiotic, ignorant, imbecilic, imperceptive, inane, inept, insensate, insensible, irrational, irresponsible, lethargic, meaningless, moron, moronic, oafish, obtuse, pointless, prosaic, senseless, silly, simple, simpleton, slow, sluggish, stolid, stultifying, stupefied, torpid, undiscerning, uninspiring tame, unintelligent, unwise, vacuous, vapid, witless, worthless.

3. CHILDISH:
Babyish, childlike, credulous, foolish, frivolous, immature, infantile, juvenile, kiddish, naive, petty, puerile, puling, senile, silly, simple, young

4. EVIL:     
Anathematic, baleful, demoniacal, depraved, diabolical, flagitious, guileful, heinous, immoral, imprecatory, infamous, iniquitous, maleficent, malevolent, malicious, malign, malignant, miscreant, noxious, pernicious, pernicious.bad, pestiferous, pestilent, serpentine, sinful, sinister, unrighteous, vicious, wicked.

5. RETARDED:
Handcuffed, impeded, inhibited, primitive, repressed

6. INCOMPETENT:
Bungling, helpless, impertinent, inadequate, inadmissible, inapt, incapable, incapacitated, inefficient, inept, lacking, non compos, unable, unequipped, unfit, unqualified, unskilled, unsuited, useless.

7. BUFFOON:
Antic, bozo, buffo, clown, comedian, comic, droll, fool, harlequin, idiot, jerk, jester, joker, merry-andrew, mime, mimic, mummer, prankster, ridicule, stooge.

8. DISGUSTING:
Abhorrent, abominable, awful, beastly, creepy, detestable, filthy, foul, fulsome, gross, hateful, hideous, loathsome, mawkish, nasty, nauseating, noisome, obscene, odious, offensive, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, shocking, sickening, vile, wretched, yucky.

9. PAINFUL:
Acute, agonizing, angry, annoying, arduous, awful, difficult, distressing, dolorous, excruciating, grueling, hurting, irksome, irritated, laborious, piercing, racking, raw, sharp, sore, stinging, throbbing, toilsome, troublesome, uncomfortable

10. LIAR:
Fabricator, fabulist, falsifier, fibber, prevaricator

CONGRESS:
All of the above.

THE PRESIDENT:
Numbers 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 & 10 (Just too goddamned stupid to be evil, although many will disagree.)

THE CANDIDATES:
Numbers 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9 & 10

WALL STREET:
All of the above.

NANCY PELOSI:
All of the above including a few choice terms that if printed will assure that today would be the end of this happy little bloggy.

Note – my favorite adjectives are in bold italics.

I watched our illustrious grand poobah speak this morning and his words were more hallow than that cavern between his eardrums. He sounded desperate and almost if he were begging.

I am positive that the vast majority of the senate and the house are NOT Hebrews, yet they all took the Jewish holiday off – a day after the most heinous crash in the history of the United States Stock Market. I was watching Anderson Cooper last night, after Larry King, and he said that he could not believe that the non-Jewish members of the government didn’t just order a bunch of pizzas, jugs of coffee, roll up their sleeves and continue to hammer away until something happened.

Our government officials are appalling and the entire world is mocking us. 

I have said it before and I’ll say it again… Full-time politicians are evil, rotten, scumbags. (Well, then I guess that answers my question on GWB.) They live by a different code of ethics than Joe Q. Public and if they were in it for OUR best interests, the events that took place yesterday would NOT have happened. In fact, they would have been prevented and warded off long ago.

Nancy Pelosi is a self-gratuitous ass for chiding and lambasting Republicans – all to get her pound of flesh in an open forum when all the world was listening. And the Republicans who claimed to have changed their vote – all because of that sociopathic bitch’s admonishment – well, they are the real stinking jackasses in all of this.

Just several days ago I wrote about the ineffectiveness of America’s two-party political system. Yesterday was a shining example of it’s ineptitude to the highest degree.

Guys, all I can say is – don’t freak. We can’t. We owe it to ourselves and everyone to fasten the safety bar in front of us and stomach the grotesque roller coaster the best that we can. You can’t change  or control what happened, but as always, YOU CAN control how you react to what happens.

And one way is to reach for your yellow plastic bats and descend upon Washington like Whiffle brandishing locusts. You bring the duct tape – I’ve got the cigars.

Hang tight my bruthas, it’s all we can do,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

I am completely aghast at those who drink wine from a box. The very notion of corrugated vino is brutally uncivilized and the makers should be ashamed to admit that it is their vocation to produce such unlawful swill. And as you might have guessed, my clueless campadre served his guttural joy juice in multi-colored plastic cups. (Guess the Flintstone jelly jar glasses were in the dishwasher.) I asked him what “week” the vintage was and of course the mindless simp didn’t get it.

What bothered me most was that my pal had the affair catered with some really nice fare – sushi, pan-fried dumplings, pork loin and aged cheeses. Yet he goes for the Gallo by the gallon… I mean, really…WTF? And I thought, if you’re going to serve boxed wine, you may as well go all the way and have Hamburger Helper, Slim Jims, and Chex Mix, right? Gosh, I hope the Twinkies for dessert are fresh

Now guys, I am NO sophisticate, that is for certain. I mean I write this godforsaken blog each morning in underwear that is holier than a boat full of Pope’s. Like a farm critter, I will scratch an itch if it needs a scratching, eat whatever leftovers are sitting on a table, and best of all I name my own farts and record them in a special register. But the one thing as a member of the human species that I know is wrong, DEAD WRONG – is to purchase boxed wine – let alone serve it to people you deem to be your friends.

Now obviously, this grotesque product was made out of the need for sheer convenience. It’s cheap, it stores in the fridge, and God forbid, you don’t need to go out and spent $1.29 on a corkscrew. Inside its cardboard fluted housing is a plastic gunnysack with a handy screw top for them quick and easy pours while entertaining the Dutchess of York and her family. Would you smash a box of Chablis along the bow of your new boat to christen its first voyage? Without question – even the slightest chance of style and decorum is tossed out the window when this aberration is served.

If this is such a novel and convenient idea, then why not serve scotch, brandy, or cognac in a freakin box? How about Dom Perignon coming out with a version of boxed champagne? That would certainly make the new year bright. And if you’re really searching for the ultimate in convenience, why haven’t they developed canned wine? 

People that create crap like this just aren’t thinking about the consumer. They want a quick and easy way to appeal to the lowest common denominator while raking in skads of dough. And now that I think about it, boxed wine was created by the same people who invented the horrid shoes, Crocs. Talk about appealing to the rancid scrapings at the bottom of the proverbial barrel. Any adult – especially a man – seen in a pair of these faux-rubber atrocities should be beaten within an inch of his morbid and senseless life. This malignant mole on the ass of the fashion world was most certainly developed by those who drink boxed wine and have most likely purchased a Clapper for every room in their trailer home.

Hey, I know we’ve got some big troubles going on with the mortgage debacle, gas prices, and the threat of a jihad at every waiting moment, but sometimes, there are things much more bothersome than what only the local and national media covers. Sometimes something just ain’t right – it sticks in your craw and you’ve got to make a stand and demand that we stop being treated like mindless waifs. So I implore you my cigar loving brethren – I command you to JUST SAY NO when it comes to boxed wine. And lastly – oh come on – you mean to tell me you’ve never named one of your poots?

This is so F’d up, and I can’t believe it’s happening in my lifetime. You wonder when a flood of these loan were being given out, somebody had to be saying, “What happens if rates go up and these people can’t pay it back?” And then somebody else was going, “Quit worrying Irv, we’re making millions and we’ll deal with that another time.”

Guess what?… It’s another time.

For those of you newer readers who aren’t familiar with the infamous Whiffle treatment, it is a form of punishment I utilized in my youth to quell those who needed a good quelling. You take one ordinary plastic Whiffle bat and wrap it heavily in duct tape so it has some oomph to it. Then when the unsuspecting offender passes by you throw a Hefty lawn and leaf bag over them and then start swinging for the fences (all while screaming epithets in Polish.) The sound of plastic on plastic is almost more terrifying than the sharp stings upon the skin, and this method of revenge can leave emotional scars far beyond your years. Now while I’m not really condoning “physical” violence upon the financial offenders, the euphemism for kicking their ass still has merit, and yes, there are people involved in this fiasco who need their ass’s hammered.

CEO: Stanley O’Neal | Company: Merrill Lynch
Payout: $161.5 million
O’Neal stepped down in October, shortly after Merrill wrote down $8 billion in losses during the height of the subprime mortgage fallout.

CEO: Charles Prince | Company: Citigroup
Payout: $68 million
Prince left Citigroup in November following steep losses that shaved nearly a quarter off the bank’s market value.

CEO: Jimmy Cayne | Company: Bear Stearns
Payout: $61.3 million
Following a decade and a half at the helm of Bear, Cayne laid low in the bank’s waning days, when it was sold to JPMorgan Chase for about 6 percent of its peak value a year earlier.

CEO: Angelo Mozilo | Company: Countrywide Financial
Payout: $121.5 million
Mozilo gave up $36 million in severance pay, but cashed in his stock options as the massive mortgage company entered the subprime fallout. Mozilo is currently under investigation by the SEC.

CEO: Ken Thompson | Company: Wachovia
Payout: $8.7 million
After 32 years with Wachovia, Thompson resigned in June after a deep first-quarter loss and a 41 percent dividend cut spurred a shareholder uprising.

CEOs: Robert Willumstad / Martin Sullivan | Company: American International Group
Willumstad inherited a sinking ship from Sullivan, who left in his wake $20 billion in subprime writedowns and back-to-back record quarterly losses. Sullivan left with $47 million, while Willumstad earned $22 million in his three months as CEO.

CEO: Richard Fuld | Company: Lehman Brothers Holdings
Payout: $22 million
Lehman declared bankruptcy last Monday, just months after Fuld told shareholders that "the worst is behind us."

OK guys, before you pick up that axe and go take out the entire frozen food aisle at the Walmart, there is “some” justice in the world…

CEOs: Richard Syron / Daniel Mudd | Company: Freddie Mac / Fannie Mae
Payout: ZERO
Regulators voided the chiefs’ severance packages when the government took over the giant mortgage agencies. Mudd was due to receive $9.3 million, while Syron could have earned $14.1 million.

I think the feds are gonna be just a tad busy for the next few months, don’t you guys? And while canings, electro-shock, and waterboarding all have their effectiveness, nothing brings a scoundrel to his knees quicker than shit through a goose like a yellow tube of plastic making blunt contact with a wafer-thin black plastic sack. And if the feds don’t strip these criminals of their ill-gotten gains and return it back to the good people of this land, I say we march upon the capital, brandishing our Whiffles and clutching our sacks. (Clutching or whats?) Ah, you know what I mean.

Time cut stop with the euphemisms and start kicking some ass. Examples are going to HAVE TO be made so this NEVER happens again.

I leave you to the weekend with Whiffles in hand, ready to strike if called upon,
(OK, THAT was a euphemism, I’m not telling you to hurt anyone, especially if
the anti-jackoff is reading – all you green peacers in your Al Goreknob pajamas
and save the whales cereal bowls just calm down – easy little fella, whoa…easy,
back away from the Prius…)

– George Washington, from his 1796 farewell speech

Those eloquent words were from a very different GW. Our first president and commander in chief despised political parties and was not affiliated with one himself. He felt they were dangerous, they divided the people, and brought about those who lusted for power and used their office for their own gain.

Perceptive guy, huh?.

After watching the present prez speak last night, one can only come away with the feeling that this all really sucks a whole lot and We the People are going to have to endure some serious reverberating backlash for a while. But what bothered me most was the Democrats response to the speech, tearing it apart, word for word. Then what bothered me some more was Republican’s response back. Then McCain wants to put his campaigning on hold and Obama wants to continue – and of course, both sides are ripping each other to shreds.

Wow – this sucks.

I’m sure you are as brutally sick of this as I am. In fact, I feel disgusted this morning – disgusted that the two political powers can’t join in unison as we face a massive financial crisis. It’s sickening and every last one of these bastards need the Whiffle bat (wrapped in duct tape) treatment in full force. A Hefty bag and a Whiffling for each senator and congressman is in high order and the commander and his side kick should be forced to Whiffle on another, live on national TV. And, please, leave Ms. Alaska to me (naughty me, indeed.)

The two political party system is an out and out atrocity and as we look back at GW’s words from 212 years ago, you have to shake your head and wonder how the political system eroded into such a gastric, and pungent mess. Every single one of these brazen windbags need to strip the R’s and the D’s off their nametags and start co-existing to solve this ridiculous maelstrom that resides before us.

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of liberalism. Making government bigger and giving it more control and having programs like socialized medicine, equal wealth distribution, and the raising of taxes is repulsive to me. Yet in NO WAY do I call myself a Republican. Being associated with a regime that has watched this country go into ruin is not something I want in my resume. So who do I vote for? Right now, I side with neither of the two arrogant bastards who take up our flat screens every waking minute. I’m not kidding. Oh I’ll vote, but neither of these two parties is getting my push of the button. Many will call my vote a wasted one if it goes to an independent party, but my conscience can be forever clear knowing that I did not put either one of these maniacal sloths into power.

My second blog ever last October was entitled: Vote: NONE OF THE ABOVE. We need to have a button in the voting both with this choice. Wow, what a message the results would send to the miscreants in Washington, and the world.

Comedian in Deep Do-Do
Dane Cook is without question the un-funniest comedian in the history of comedy. I have NEVER / EVER laughed at a single joke of his, but his recent folly does have me chuckling. The un-great Dane has been forced into eviction from his apartment by a judge because the reject refuses to pick up his dog’s fecal matter. Bad Cook…bad Cook. Now he tells the court that he will suffer mental and emotional damage if forced to leave because the building is where John Belushi and Steve Martin used to reside and he draws mystical inspiration from it. Well he sure as hell doesn’t draw good jokes from it. Okay, sound advise here from the Zman… hey Dane – why not just pick up you shit and STFU? Sounds like a reasonable request to me.

Clay Aiken – Say It Ain’t So!
The former American Idol Star shocked everyone, everywhere across the globe yesterday by admitting, that yes, he is indeed gay. For me personally I think this is a bigger shock than when Henry Blake was offed on MASH. This is even bigger news than when Britney Spears gave her son a case of Marlboro and a Colibri Laser lighter for Christmas.  (BTW, her son was pissed two months later when the lighter stopped working and then found out it cost more to repair than the actual cost of the lighter.) I honesty didn’t sleep well last night and today will be a tough go, but I’m just gonna have to buckle down and deal with reality. Wait until me and the guys talk over Mahjong tonight.

A Bad Beat
In a suburb of Delhi, India, Lalit Kishore Choudhary, 47, the man in charge of Indian operations of Graziano Transmissioni, an Italian-headquartered manufacturer of car parts, died of severe head wounds after he was brutally beaten and bludgeoned by an angry mob who had just been fired from their jobs by the 47 year-old manager. Instead of being punished to the fullest by Indian law, the group of attackers will be flown to the United States and will hold private sessions with the management of AIG, Lehman, Fannie, and Freddie. That’ll learn ‘em.

No Rest for the Weary
Two Pilots for Hawaii’s GO Airlines have been released for … get this… falling asleep during the landing of a mid-morning flight carrying 40 passengers. Air Traffic control knew something was wrong when the dozens of attempts to contact the men went without being acknowledged. The plane actually passed the airport by a good 15 miles when one of the sleepy heads awoke and turned the flight around. Both men have apologized to all involved and will most likely turn to a life of either politics or surgery.  

He Sure Puts the Dic, in Dictator
During President Bush’s final speech as US President to the United Nations, Iranian President and dick-tator extraordinaire, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, was smiling and waiving like a little fool to US journalists and the White House Press corps who were sitting directly across the way. The almost juvenile behavior was of course in mockery of GWB and had the entire room shaking their heads. Dick Gozinya of the Washington Post said, “I thought the grungy little bastard was hitting on us. He kept winking and throwing little kisses and it was disturbing to say the least. He must of thought I was his camel.” Ben Dover of the NY Times was taken aback. “In one instance he looked our way and acted as if he were enjoying an ice-pop or something. Then he put his hand to his ear like a telephone and whispered, ‘Call me’.”  Earlier this morning the Iranian leader began screaming in a diner on Third Avenue that the owner was an infidel as the menu did not feature scrambled goat brains. He finally settled for a plate of Scrapple – the next best thing.

Nice day to Y’all,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

War – there’s lots. Saving Private Ryan is the epic. Nothing in movies rivals the opening Omaha Beach scene – Nothing. To Hell and Back with Audie Murphy was hell. Lets throw in The Dirty Dozen, Patton, The Guns of Navarone, Battle of the Bulge, Tora Tora Tora, Midway, Gettysburgh, Bridge on the river Kwai, Apocalypse Now, Das Boot, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, and cross overs MASH and Good Morning Vietnam. Oh yeah, and a host of John Wayne stuff. And I think I have to put Braveheart and the Patriot in this category…and 300 as well. BTW, 300 was f@#king awesome.

Mafia – Come on, do I have to spell ‘em out? I hope not…capishe? OK, for you dullards, Godfather One and Two and Goodfellas are the quintessential guy movies of our lifetimes. Bonnie and Clyde is a classic, Scarface, Donnie Brasco, Bugsy, The Departed, on the Waterfront, The Untouchables, and Carlito’s Way are all movies where people get brutally whacked and we love every second of it. “Don’t forget the canoles.”

Sci-Fi – Star Wars is king. You just don’t hear about chicks at Star Wars conventions. (Ever see Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog at the Star Wars convention? It’s a popular You Tube and will make you urinate in your lederhosen for sure.) I thought 2001 was a bore. You’ve got the Star Trek films, Aliens scared the piss outta me, Quato was ultra-creepy in Total Recall, and the day the Earth Stood Still had me sleepless as a kid – Klatu Barrada Nikto, baby. There are a lot of Sci-Fi type films that do appeal to chicks and are not on my list (Close Encounters, ET for example.)

Action – These are generally the Arnold films, although are the Terminator films considered Sci-Fi? Then there are films with Stallone, Van Damn, Segal, which are all beat ‘em up bangers. I like Lethal Weapon, but so do a lot of Chicks so it don’t make it. But there are also some great Clint Eastwood flicks that I don’t know what to do with like the French Connection and Dirty Harry. I guess I gotta go with the Action genre here.

Spy Thrillers – Without question, 007 tops this list. Although there have been many James Bonds, the quality of these thrillers are always top notch and dripping with testosterone. What “real” guy doesn’t want to be that son of a bitch for one day? No doubt the awesome Bourne Identity flicks fit here along with Mission Impossible – which are both generally enjoyed by those with a johnson. Don’t forget Hunt for Red October.

Super Hero is a new category and will continue to grow as Marvel Pumps them out, and the batman saga continues. I await Thor and Captain America.

And lastly, Sports – Waaaaay too many to name here. So so many good ones so I’ll narrow ‘em down to the tops… Raging Bull, but I have trouble with Rocky because chicks absolutely love this film and I have to discount it. Slapshot, The Longest Yard – Chicks LOVED Rudy & Bull Durham too, so uh-uh, North Dallas Forty, Miracle, Hossiers, Friday Night Lights, Invincible is a feel good, and none much better than Robert Redford in the Natural. And I loved Seabiscuit.

Well, I’m sure you have your own comments, so let ‘em fly, boys.

But now – absolutely for real – the Department of Homeland Security has hired on the Muppets to teach kids about reacting to and handling emergencies and disaster. I went to the Sesame Workshop website and it seems they have put together a workshop/magazine for parents to teach their kids about the inherent dangers in today’s world, and how to deal with stressful events in case things do happen.  When it comes to a crisis, Bert and Ernie want you prepared. But, what first struck me was on the home page where the subhead reads: “Fun and easy ways to help the whole family prepare for any type of emergency.” Fun and easy ways? Fun?

The Department of Homeland Security has asked Jim Henson’s creations to make this …FUN?

(Make sure you do the following Muppets voices while reading…)

“Waka, waka, waka, kids, this is your old pal Fozzie Bear supporting profiling at your local airport! So, if they have a tan and smell like they may have eaten stewed goat and flatbread for breakfast, we give ‘em the magic wand and detain ‘em until they can name at least nine NFL teams…waka, waka, waka.”

“C is for kookie, dats good eenuff for me.. Hey…dat not kook-ie…dat look like shoe bomb! Get him!”

“Dis eez your old friend da Count… ONE Islamabad Terrorist…TWO Islamabad Terroristists…THREE Islamabad Terrorists…Call the authorities…ah, ah, ah!”

Unfortunately, Big Bird often wears the same scarf Rachael Ray wore in the Dunkin Donuts advertisement and Michelle Sociopath Malkin has gotten the swishy yellow boid placed on a special federal watch list.

And here’s out little pal, the cute and furry, high pitched voice, Elmo…”Hi everybody, it’s Elmo, heh,heh,heh…Elmo has become scared of people with scarfs on their heads. They wear the same clothes as the bad people who live in the sand. Elmo has become an Islama-phobe and Elmo knows it’s not right, but Elmo can’t help himself ever since Oscar the Grouch was beheaded on the internet. And Elmo knows his talking in the third person is annoying, but it’s the guy with his hand up my hole who’s really controlling everything.”

“Waka, waka, waka, is dat a WMD in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

And then there are different kinds of crisis that the kiddies see on the news each day…

“Uh, Kermit de frog here to tell you all about how a lot of greedy pricks gave loans to people at low interest rates and then stuck it up their foxholes, and now your country is in what is called a financial crisis.” (Kermit breaks into song), “Oh it’s not easy being in the red… the same as the color of Elmos ass, Lehman and AIG got smacked about, and now you and I are bailing them out.”

“Today, Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter “F” as in the large lender banks really F’d us all… and the show is also brought to you by the number One Trillion.”

“ONE Trillion dollars in debt…TWO Trillion Dollars in debt…THREE Trillon Dollars in debt…ah,ah,ah.”

“Kook-ie monster’s mortgage ballooned to 18 and a half percent and now Kook-ie live wit cousin in basement in Newark. (Breaks into song) F is for foreclosure, dat what happened to me…”

And finally, our very own GWB makes a special guest appearance… “Hey there clillin’s – I’m here to assure you that I’m doin’ everything I can to keep you safe while livin’ yer lives her in Merica. Merica is gooood…Merica is strong.”

“F is for FAILURE, like Gee –Doubleu Bee, F is for FAILURE, like Gee –Doubleu Bee…”

M is for Monday, so have a good one…ah, ah, ah,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog with the Zman

Joe Biden has officially become the world’s monstrous politico ass for his position on taxes and wealth distribution. You see, Joey says that when he and Obama get into office, they plan on raising taxes on the wealthier Americans, specifically those making over $250,000 per year.

"We want to take money and put it back in the pocket of middle-class people," Biden said. And, about those who would pay more, he uttered: "It’s time to be patriotic … time to jump in, time to be part of the deal, time to help get America out of the rut."

Please note that the key word Biden used there was "TAKE."

Biden believes it’s a person’s patriotic duty to give up “more” of his money because he has more. There is something SO fundamentally wrong with this thinking and I am in awe that a man in political power could even suggest it. He wants people who make higher salaries to be punished for their successes – and referring to it as patriotic is a horrendous hypocrisy.

I truly find Biden’s beliefs to be immoral and against everything we’ve ever been taught. Since childhood we were told about something called “The American Dream.” The American Dream is to be what ever you want, have what ever you want – you can grow to do anything and everything. “Making it big” has always been a concept that most Americans have dreamed about from an early age, and success and wealth has always been something every citizen has yearned to achieve. That’s why people from around the world come to the United States – to be a part of this American Dream.

But as I said, Biden wants to punish those who have made their Dream a reality. He says that those who have grown to be successful should now give it back and their success should line the pockets of other citizens. I have never heard of such a ludicrous notion. And this was a big part of Hillary Clinton’s socialist agenda as well.

Listen to me – no matter if you are a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian or whatever – equal wealth distribution is a cornerstone of socialist government – it is what I refer to as Robin Hood Syndrome because you’re simply robbing from the rich to give to the poor. And I use the word “punish” because that’s what it comes down to – if we raise taxes on wealthier Americans and bigger companies we are PUNNISHING them for making it big – we’re punishing them for achieving the American Dream. Forcefully taking it and handing it over to people who did not earn it is in essence grand theft and out right larceny.

Wealthy Americans already pay a hell of a lot more in taxes than middle or lower class people. They essentially buy more goods that are higher priced goods, own more real estate, and own businesses that employ other people. By doing this, wealthier Americans are paying a greater amount of taxes across the board. They are also greatly helping the economy by buying more goods and services and creating jobs. Their purchases are keeping people in business, and by owning businesses they pay more tax, their employees pay taxes, and their employees buy homes and goods and services.

What bothers me greatly is that this kind of communist and socialist rhetoric casts a notion that wealthier people are bad people – they are evil for making the money they have made. Ted Kennedy has always talked this type of trash, applauding himself as a commoner, one of the people – when in fact he lives in his white tower, gated off from society while pickling his liver in his good ol’ boys network.

And what of the Hollyweird ilk who attend the thirty thousand dollar a plate fundraisers at Babs Streisand’s home and support the Obama/Biden ticket? Are every single one of these heavily medicated, multi-divorced, over rehabbed Green Peacers willing to fork over the great amounts of dough that they have accumulated? These are massively wealthy Americans who would have to pay a tremendous amount into Biden’s act of patriotism. This just might require additional therapy for the left coast elite.

Joe Biden, you are mentally corrupt and morally bankrupt if you think this notion is patriotic. You want to steal from those who have worked all their lives to accomplish the great American Dream and it is appalling to think that someone of your ilk could be in charge of our country. This is a democracy, not a socialist, Marxist state. We don’t rob from those who have worked hard and achieved success. We’ve taught our children from early on to set our standards high and to be the best, go for the pinnacle and reach the top. But now – why should they when our government is going to take it away and spread it around to many who didn’t have the same ideals and work ethic? Is that right? I ask you people, is that right? Is that American? Is THAT a true sign of patriotism? 

It’s wrong, Joey. Goddammit, it’s wrong!

Yeah, keep preaching because  – you’re definitely the voice of reason in America.

When dunderheads like Sheryl “I rode Lance like a 12-speed” Crow tells us that in order to save the earth, we should use one sheet of toilet paper to wipe our privates – that’s when you realize the world is going to hell. If I used one sheet, well, let’s just say I’d be lonlier than that Maytag son of a bitch. The other day AOL news site had and article on the singer, Pink, and how she despises Sarah Palin. We’re talking about “Pink”, that skank who is an ardent PETA supporter and once wrote Prince William, chastising him for fox hunting. Johnny Depp lives in France because he loathes his freedom so much. And of course you knew that Alec Baldwin and Babs Steisand were going to move out of the United States if GWB won his first election.

Speaking of the woman who “nose”, last night Babsy threw a swank little a fundraiser for Obamarama at close to thirty grand per plate. And of course, the pretentious sow used her seemingly benevolent soiree to spew her political manure – not for her candidate, but to tear down the opponents.

"Maybe he was sick of the lack of media attention…maybe he had enough of the late night talk show hosts poking fun at his age…maybe he realized that belonging to a party that has been associated with rich, white men was not going to connect with voters in this historical election year."

Hey Babs, you mean rich white men like Condi Rice and Colin Powell?

"As someone who has spent over 40 years advocating on behalf of women both politically and philanthropically, as someone who was a strong supporter of Hillary Clinton and as someone who cares deeply about the health and welfare of all women, hear me Senator McCain: This calculated, cynical ploy to pull away a small percentage of Hillary’s women voters from Barack Obama will not work. We are not that stupid!”

Holy Christ in heaven, Babs…STFU! No, I mean it, STFU right now you righteous sow! Shut that hideous trap you wretched beast. Just collect your dough, but don’t be so transparent and use it as a platform to give us your Hollyweird take on the election. No one but your heavily medicated cronies want to hear it. If you were a democrat or a standard everyday liberal, well, fine, that’s your choice, and that’s what America is all about. But you’re an ultra-leftist uber-liberal, whale savin’, geothermal bitch and we need you to just STFU. Oh yeah, and your music makes my goddamned ears bleed you horrifying harpy.

(Hey Zman, don’t hold back, tell us how you really feel.)

"Whatever the reason, John McCain’s Hail Mary — in the form of Vice Presidential pick Governor Sarah Palin — sent a very clear message to America about how he views female voters. Women, he thinks, will vote another woman into office regardless of the candidate’s values, experience and political positions."

Hey Boobsy, guess what… the old fool is right – so are you saying that makes those women stupid? Is that what you’re saying? Many woman have openly said they like the move, but you are SO out of touch with the everyday American woman – living in your Hollyweird 50 million dollar home, gated off in seclusion from us commoners. 

"The oldest Presidential nominee in history, chose a running mate — a person that is just a heartbeat away from the Presidency — that has no foreign policy experience, no national experience and limited state government experience…. a virtual unknown who has only been Governor for a less than 2 years of a state with a population of fewer than 680,000 people.”

Oh Babsy, you impregnated walrus… may I remind your hind-ass that Mr. Obama has no foreign policy experience, and was a virtual unknown jr. senator who was in office 143 days when he decided to run for POTUS. And he is a JUNIOR senator, not a Governor of an entire state.

Let me say to you guys reading, that today’s blog was not an endorsement for McCain/Palin in any way. It was a cry to the American public to collectively tell these entertainers to stick to what they do best and when it comes to politico horse droppings, we have quite enough from the candidates already – so PLEASE, I say PLEASE STFU!

Guys, I know I danced around my true feelings today and promise to open up a bit more tomorrow. Being shy is such a dreded curse.

Now, does this kind of stuff drive you crazy? Well, if it does, you’re most likely pretty jealous, but that’s okay. You’ve probably had an idea somewhere along the line in your life that you thought could make big bucks – but because you’re a lazy bastid, didn’t think much of it further – until you saw it on a store shelf or on TV because someone else thought of it too, and acted on it – cuz YOU didn’t. Dumbass.

Ah, we’ve all done this, and it is annoying. But not everybody who comes up with good ideas is a brainiac – like the guy who invented Beenie Babies – that dude is a go-zillionaire. I’m sure he didn’t start out thinking that Sputum the Elephant or Chuckles the one-eyed trout would be considered rare and worth thousands. I don’t think anybody who comes up with stuff like this had visions of changing the world, but the key factor is that they “JUST DO IT.” And speaking of that, the guy who invented Nike sneakers poured liquid rubber in a waffle iron to create the first traction sneaker for running. The people first credited for POST-IT notes were not the chicks from Romy and Michelle’s high school reunion, but in fact a guy who accidentally invented a weak, and what he thought was a useless adhesive – and a friend of his that needed a way to mark the pages in his church choir book. And here’s one for ya…Michael Nesmith’s mom, Bette, – you know, the singer and guitarist from the Monkees – she was a secretary, but a shitty typist and came up with the idea for Liquid Paper (in her kitchen.) Gillette Corporation gave her 47 million dollars plus royalties.

It would be awesome to create something like these people did – and the thing is, it doesn’t have to be something earth shattering like the auto, computer, telephone, rectal thermometer, or Kick-Klacks. Like my friend AJ says (the owner of AS Seen on TV) the idea is to come up with something that solves a problem or enhances your life to a degree. Now he rejects thousands of ideas a year, but some of the ones he’s brought to market have made millions. The following are some of the ideas I haven’t followed up on as of yet, but don’t I mind sharing with my buds here in the blogosphere. Let me know what you think…

Polespace – It’s like Myspace for Polacks – huge fonts, lots of pictures, and kielbasa recipes.

Underguard – Neat little disposable sheets of Kevlar mesh with a charcoal liner fort those who struggle with chronic  and foul bouts of pungent gas. Just pop one in the seat of your underwear each morning and you’re as fresh as a daisy all the live-long day! I don’t go anywhere without ‘em. Ideal for church goers cuz there’s nothing worse than sitting in your own pew.

Sling the Candidate – Little nerf shaped piles of neatly swirled shit that you hurl at the TV each time the politico you despise is on the tube. Comes in you party’s affiliation including Libertarians and Nader Nerds.

Shut-up that Mutt – The neighbor’s dog is a horror – barking at acorns that fall from the trees for crissakes. Well this is a whistle whose frequency is so high pitched that dogs go into a coma when you let ‘em have it. Just aim and point at the pesky pooch, blow into the patented mouth piece, and ol’ Fido will fall flat into his own pile of Shinola and go nite-nite for up to 72 hours.

Jerk That Gherkin – Forever trying to get those little pickles out of the jar? These are patented pickle tweezers for jerkin the gherkin any time, anywhere – no fuss, no muss.

The Mosquito Scarer – Everyone knows that mosquitos don’t like bats – all right, maybe everyone doesn’t know it, but it’s true, dude. Bats eat like 5 times their body weight worth of mosquitos each night. (I guess that means they crap around four times their body weight, and that is another invention for another time.) Well, the Mosquito Scarer is a comfy bat suit that you wear in the back yard while puffing cigars and knocking down a few cold ones. The mosquitos will soil themselves when they see an overweight, monster bat and run for the fugging hills. Of course the only drawback is that the bats will have no food supply and most likely begin to dine on human flesh. So, use with caution.

My work is done here. So, what have YOU got for me? Are you gonna let little schmucks like Zukerburg get all the limelight? Let’s see what ya got. I’m waiting…