Father Time is a Jerk
OK, it’s July 1st and NOW half the year of 2008 is officially over. THAT is incredibly hard to believe. Why the hell was it when we were in school, time dragged like a goop of honey that takes forever to plop out of the jar? Remember how awful it was thinking about the years you had left. Then a soon as it ended, some cruel joker sped up the hands of time and each year it blows by faster and faster and faster. It’s almost to the point of just completely unfair.
And the worse thing is that it all becomes just one great big god damned blur. I’m at that point in life where I talk about something vividly – as it just happened - and my wife says, “That was in 1998, you friggin idiot.” Holy crap – it WAS ten years ago but something in my brain has erased about eight and a half years in between. What the hell causes that? And it’s funny because my long-term memory is phenomenal, I mean aces – I can tell you names, faces, dates, and hockey scores from the 1980’s, but I could have my car keys wedged up my between my ass cheeks with the pointy end digging in hard and I wouldn’t have a clue where to look for them first.
I was trying to re-cap what has taken place so far this year and it really IS a blur. I’m thinking of events and I’m like, “No wait…was that last year?” It’s getting god damned embarrassing becoming senile in your 40’s. Say, I DO remember that the Giants won the Super Bowl! That was pretty special! They beat Buffalo 20 – 19, with Scott Norwood going wide right and the Giants…uh…”That was 1991, you f@#king dumb-ass, clod.” Crap. Well at least my New York Rangers finally won a Stanley Cup as I have waited all my life to see and…”That was 14 years ago, Shineola for brains.” Whoa, right. Yeah, well I always have my Mets and good ‘ol Mookie rolling that lil’ grounder through Buckener’s legs. God, I’m still pinching myself… “Zman, you brain impaired retard, that was 1986: Over two decades ago.”
This is pathetic.
All right, I know that Hillary man-haned person tried to become our ruler but lost to the dude who promises change - but hasn’t told us exactly WHAT kind of change. Let me know when he says something of substance. We could be here a while on that one. Shee-it…did anything else happen this year? Suddenly, nothing comes to mind. Well, our boys are still stuck in that godforsaken sand pit and George Carlin just died. Now I know that was just last week, but gimme some credit, will ya? This is completely crazy…I can’t come up with anything! Now I know the war of 1812 was a while ago…That Hindenburg thing was a bad one…Watergate was definitely not recent, I know that, I think…and Zepplin 3 was – no wait – nah, not recent, either, right?
This is some scary crap, man. Please tell me you suffer from the same affliction so I don’t go thoroughly batshit nutty. This can’t be isolated to one goober snorting, inbred Polack –(Sorry dad, I’ve known all along. Tell mom / my aunt that there’s no hard feelings. Now it all makes sense why I spent six years in the fourth grade.)
Is this God’s little way of f-ing with his most prized creations? I mean, does he f@#k with elephants? No – they never forget. Seems the big cheese-whiz upstairs has a twisted sense of humor and it’s not very appreciated. Now summer is upon us and I’m sure that will shoot by like a comet with Montezuma’s revenge. Suddenly I feel so useless and unworthy. Will somebody fix me a cup of hot cocoa and a warm bath? There’s a new Lost in Space on tonight and I hear Dr. Smith takes a leak on the robot’s power pack and causing him to recite Lenny Bruce bits.
Oh nurse, I need my medicine.
Nighty Night all,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman.
And the worse thing is that it all becomes just one great big god damned blur. I’m at that point in life where I talk about something vividly – as it just happened - and my wife says, “That was in 1998, you friggin idiot.” Holy crap – it WAS ten years ago but something in my brain has erased about eight and a half years in between. What the hell causes that? And it’s funny because my long-term memory is phenomenal, I mean aces – I can tell you names, faces, dates, and hockey scores from the 1980’s, but I could have my car keys wedged up my between my ass cheeks with the pointy end digging in hard and I wouldn’t have a clue where to look for them first.
I was trying to re-cap what has taken place so far this year and it really IS a blur. I’m thinking of events and I’m like, “No wait…was that last year?” It’s getting god damned embarrassing becoming senile in your 40’s. Say, I DO remember that the Giants won the Super Bowl! That was pretty special! They beat Buffalo 20 – 19, with Scott Norwood going wide right and the Giants…uh…”That was 1991, you f@#king dumb-ass, clod.” Crap. Well at least my New York Rangers finally won a Stanley Cup as I have waited all my life to see and…”That was 14 years ago, Shineola for brains.” Whoa, right. Yeah, well I always have my Mets and good ‘ol Mookie rolling that lil’ grounder through Buckener’s legs. God, I’m still pinching myself… “Zman, you brain impaired retard, that was 1986: Over two decades ago.”
This is pathetic.
All right, I know that Hillary man-haned person tried to become our ruler but lost to the dude who promises change - but hasn’t told us exactly WHAT kind of change. Let me know when he says something of substance. We could be here a while on that one. Shee-it…did anything else happen this year? Suddenly, nothing comes to mind. Well, our boys are still stuck in that godforsaken sand pit and George Carlin just died. Now I know that was just last week, but gimme some credit, will ya? This is completely crazy…I can’t come up with anything! Now I know the war of 1812 was a while ago…That Hindenburg thing was a bad one…Watergate was definitely not recent, I know that, I think…and Zepplin 3 was – no wait – nah, not recent, either, right?
This is some scary crap, man. Please tell me you suffer from the same affliction so I don’t go thoroughly batshit nutty. This can’t be isolated to one goober snorting, inbred Polack –(Sorry dad, I’ve known all along. Tell mom / my aunt that there’s no hard feelings. Now it all makes sense why I spent six years in the fourth grade.)
Is this God’s little way of f-ing with his most prized creations? I mean, does he f@#k with elephants? No – they never forget. Seems the big cheese-whiz upstairs has a twisted sense of humor and it’s not very appreciated. Now summer is upon us and I’m sure that will shoot by like a comet with Montezuma’s revenge. Suddenly I feel so useless and unworthy. Will somebody fix me a cup of hot cocoa and a warm bath? There’s a new Lost in Space on tonight and I hear Dr. Smith takes a leak on the robot’s power pack and causing him to recite Lenny Bruce bits.
Oh nurse, I need my medicine.
Nighty Night all,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman.
Posted by zman at 10:45 AM | Link | 10 comments
Subscription Options
You are not logged in, so your subscription status for this entry is unknown. You can login or register here.
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
I hear ya on time rolling by fast. It seems like just yesterday the Detroit Lions won the NFL Championship. Oh wait, that was 1957 (Damn Lions). I swear I don't remember anything from my 30s (I am 43). My kid just turned ten and I swear he was just born. A bunch of friends and I were discussing the Wings Stanley Cup from 1997 and then realized it was over a decade ago.
Posted by darren_in_detroit on July 1, 2008 at 12:10 PM
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
You started me thinking about the last time the Oilers won the Super Bowl. Oh wait, we have had the Texans for 6 years now, and the Oilers never DID win the Super Bowl.
But at least we lost several times to the greatest team of all time, the late '70's Steelers.We knocked on the door, we beat on the door, but we never kicked the son-of-a-bitch in.
See, I remember that sh*t like it was last week, but I have no clue what actually happened last week (except that Carlin died). So no, you're not alone pal.
BTW, "I could have my car keys wedged up my between my ass cheeks with the pointy end digging in hard" is not a mental image any of us care to have.
But at least we lost several times to the greatest team of all time, the late '70's Steelers.We knocked on the door, we beat on the door, but we never kicked the son-of-a-bitch in.
See, I remember that sh*t like it was last week, but I have no clue what actually happened last week (except that Carlin died). So no, you're not alone pal.
BTW, "I could have my car keys wedged up my between my ass cheeks with the pointy end digging in hard" is not a mental image any of us care to have.
Posted by roadlizard7 on July 1, 2008 at 12:35 PM
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
Z. I have 14 years on you. You are useless and unworthy! Lots of people don't think you are funny. The chicks are being polite. You are loud and obnoxious at times, especially when you are drinking heavily!
Welcome to the club!
Let's go have a drink and a cigar!
Welcome to the club!
Let's go have a drink and a cigar!
Posted by Tommy boy Martin on July 1, 2008 at 1:31 PM
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
Ah, I was having a good morning until you pointed out that half the year is done. Crap. Speaking of crap, that comment about your keys...if they're wedged up there and you don't have an idea where to look for them, I think memory is not your greatest problem, my friend.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Posted by hawaiian brian on July 1, 2008 at 1:34 PM
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
Thanks for the walk down no memory of this year lane. I wason this train wreck just the othe day, Half time of '08 I think I'll set on the patio and try to make it through a gar and a.... I forgot what's in the locker.
Posted by ThomT on July 1, 2008 at 2:58 PM
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
roadlizard,
I remember the quarterback for your Oilers. Except for Dan Pastorini, it was Warren Moon. He's still the pride of the Washington Huskies. I remember when he was a young sophomore at the UofW. We were down by two with about a minute left and driving for a potential score. He threw the ball out of bounds to stop the clock. The only problem was, it was fourth down. Game over, time to go home!
This was before the Seahawks came into the NFL, so all we had back then was the Huskies. For a long time our only pro franchise was the Sonics.
I remember the quarterback for your Oilers. Except for Dan Pastorini, it was Warren Moon. He's still the pride of the Washington Huskies. I remember when he was a young sophomore at the UofW. We were down by two with about a minute left and driving for a potential score. He threw the ball out of bounds to stop the clock. The only problem was, it was fourth down. Game over, time to go home!
This was before the Seahawks came into the NFL, so all we had back then was the Huskies. For a long time our only pro franchise was the Sonics.
Posted by pjandma on July 1, 2008 at 3:45 PM
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
BOOZE always makes everything go by quicker..........
ever notice how bad shit goes in slow motion, like this morning I was walking my Beagle and a German Shepard came out of nowhwere and attacked him, trying to bite him, I kicked him a couple times he kept coming, then he sunk his teeth in my dogs behind and I kick that freaking bastard so hard he yelped and took off to his front door, The cops came and everything.....the attack lasted maybe 40 seconds but seemed like forever....
Seems like yesterday Barry Sanders was tearing the NFL up and the Lions took out the Cowboys in the Playoffs for their first Playoff victory since '57' still waiting for #2
anyway I ordered a couple ZMAN specials can't wait for them to arrive...................
HAVE A HAPPY A SAFE 4TH YOU ALL
ever notice how bad shit goes in slow motion, like this morning I was walking my Beagle and a German Shepard came out of nowhwere and attacked him, trying to bite him, I kicked him a couple times he kept coming, then he sunk his teeth in my dogs behind and I kick that freaking bastard so hard he yelped and took off to his front door, The cops came and everything.....the attack lasted maybe 40 seconds but seemed like forever....
Seems like yesterday Barry Sanders was tearing the NFL up and the Lions took out the Cowboys in the Playoffs for their first Playoff victory since '57' still waiting for #2
anyway I ordered a couple ZMAN specials can't wait for them to arrive...................
HAVE A HAPPY A SAFE 4TH YOU ALL
Posted by aqualung on July 1, 2008 at 3:55 PM
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
ACTUALLY CAUSED ME TO LMFLO:
> >
> > my long-term memory is phenomenal, I mean aces – I can
> > tell you names, faces, dates, and hockey scores from the
> > 1980’s, but I could have my car keys wedged up my between
> > my ass cheeks with the pointy end digging in hard and I
> > wouldn’t have a clue where to look for them first.
> >
I don't care WHO you are - THAT was funny!! Okay, funny and sad at the same time. Sad because I relate...
This whole business of time is FUBAR IMO. WTF is it about time? We're friggin' slaves to time. It dictates everything! I remember being like 13 and thinking I'd NEVER get to be 16 and be able to drive and maybe get laid. It was KILLING me. Now I'm 45 (I think - yup, just checked the math. This *IS* 2008, right??). 3 years is like this fleeting time.... Everything gets confused. But I remember the late 1980s and early 1990s real damned well - like it was yesterday.
I dunno. We're all screwed. We're all gonna die. I mean, how more screwed can you possibly get? And all these people that are important to me are gonna die. That is, if I'm "lucky" enough to live long enough to see them die. And why do we die? We die because we get old. And why do we get old? Time. Yup - time's the bastard.
Time sucks. Screw time. Time is what makes me be stuck at the office for a certain amount of my life, which is just waay too friggin' much! And time is what ultimately kills us all.
Screw time.
> >
> > my long-term memory is phenomenal, I mean aces – I can
> > tell you names, faces, dates, and hockey scores from the
> > 1980’s, but I could have my car keys wedged up my between
> > my ass cheeks with the pointy end digging in hard and I
> > wouldn’t have a clue where to look for them first.
> >
I don't care WHO you are - THAT was funny!! Okay, funny and sad at the same time. Sad because I relate...
This whole business of time is FUBAR IMO. WTF is it about time? We're friggin' slaves to time. It dictates everything! I remember being like 13 and thinking I'd NEVER get to be 16 and be able to drive and maybe get laid. It was KILLING me. Now I'm 45 (I think - yup, just checked the math. This *IS* 2008, right??). 3 years is like this fleeting time.... Everything gets confused. But I remember the late 1980s and early 1990s real damned well - like it was yesterday.
I dunno. We're all screwed. We're all gonna die. I mean, how more screwed can you possibly get? And all these people that are important to me are gonna die. That is, if I'm "lucky" enough to live long enough to see them die. And why do we die? We die because we get old. And why do we get old? Time. Yup - time's the bastard.
Time sucks. Screw time. Time is what makes me be stuck at the office for a certain amount of my life, which is just waay too friggin' much! And time is what ultimately kills us all.
Screw time.
Posted by cottygee on July 1, 2008 at 4:02 PM
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
chit happens then you die...
i have maybe 15 years left and i aint gonna worry about when the string runs out.
have fun you dumb polack and don't worry about the end, cause it's out of your hands, and when it comes you still will not be prepared for it.
i have maybe 15 years left and i aint gonna worry about when the string runs out.
have fun you dumb polack and don't worry about the end, cause it's out of your hands, and when it comes you still will not be prepared for it.
Posted by maduro man_wcp on July 1, 2008 at 4:13 PM
Re: Father Time is a Jerk
I really think that when you get past 40 you enter some sort of funky Einstein thing and time dialates. The next thing you know things that were here are gone and have been by the boards for 15 years.
But I have a way to measure this relativity conundrum. Use your Johnson as a sundial. Take an event (e.g. Peyton winning the SB), measure your snake's shadow position, remeasure it sometime in the future and this gives you a relative passing of the seasons.
Mine was Elway's "The Drive"... it showed about 12:05 on cock... I mean clock. I am now about 5:30... so I know that was a long time ago.
The upside is that little blue pills are nice new batteries, so I don't care as long as the wife's pocket watch still works. Gotta go, time is a waistin'!
But I have a way to measure this relativity conundrum. Use your Johnson as a sundial. Take an event (e.g. Peyton winning the SB), measure your snake's shadow position, remeasure it sometime in the future and this gives you a relative passing of the seasons.
Mine was Elway's "The Drive"... it showed about 12:05 on cock... I mean clock. I am now about 5:30... so I know that was a long time ago.
The upside is that little blue pills are nice new batteries, so I don't care as long as the wife's pocket watch still works. Gotta go, time is a waistin'!
Posted by trooper284 on July 1, 2008 at 8:07 PM
Commenting has been disabled for this entry.