It Ain’t Easy Being Green

Geothermal wells, solar panels, incandescent light bulbs and planting trees are all the rage. We are in the “Green Age” folks and many out there think that’s a good thing. And of course, caring for Mother Terra is a damned good worthy cause – but why the f@#k did we wait so damned long to get off our fat polluting asses to do something about this?

When I say “we”, I mean the collective “we” - the inhabitants of this rotating orb three houses down from the sun. The industrial age began and obviously no one gave a rat’s dumper about what was going into the air, water, and soil. In fairness, I think when the braniacs invented all this amazing new stuff at the turn of the 20th century, they really didn’t have a clue what the effects would be one hundred years later. “A hundred years is a long time and we can’t worry about that! Look at all this neat shit we’re making!” Well guess what, our great grandfathers lust for advancement has now left us in a really bad spot.

Now when I say a “bad spot”, I’m not referring to damage of the environment. I’m talking about dealing with the marketers who are profiting by the billions selling the world “green technology.” There are a lot of shysters out there and when a new trend comes along it’s a feeding frenzy amongst the trendsetters and the bandwagon jumpers. And I use the term “trendsetters” because being green IS now trendy. Being eco-friendly is being flaunted by those “in the know” and god forbid if you use round light bulbs or don’t drive a car that runs on banana peels and dog poop. The left coast, Hollyweird populous has gone nutso preaching how to live the life of Kermit. Last year singer Sheryl Crow was urging that we reduce our use of bathroom tissue by only using two squares to clean your most private area. Hey Sheryl, honey, I don’t want to get “overly” graphic here, but if you’re going to reduce me down to two sheets, you’d have a hose handy if I’m visiting your house for a barbeque. Can I possibly make that any clearer?

This saving the environment thing is supposed to be a "good thing." But we f’d up the planet for decades then the alarm bells went off as we went from happy go lucky-life is just grand, straight into Defon 5! And the thing I have trouble with – as do many is – are we really at Defon 5? The people behind the marketing of the Green movement want us to believe so. There are ten thousand football fields of ice breaking free in the artic so I better plant a maple and take 2 minute showers. Jesus, it takes me longer than that to soap up my boys and get ‘em all perky for the events of the day. (The term TMI has merit here.)

OK, gotta have you listen to the message I’m handing out here… I’m not disputing damage to the earth from industrial negligence. And I’m not disagreeing that we need to take care of this earthly home of ours. I’m greatly bothered by the alarmists who are rattling their cages and the peddling of their wares all in the hopes of changing the world. – and by doing so, the one thing that gets greener by the day is their bank accounts. If you research the web, there are hundreds of sites dedicated to green technology and how you can do your part. The thing that pisses me off is the jamming of this new ideology down our collective throats until we’re ready to hurl our Corn Flakes in mass disgust. It’s this “you’ve gotta do this NOW, RIGHT FREAKIN’ NOW, this very minute before we all perish!” sales pitch that almost makes me want to be a defiant bastid and do the opposite. I know that sounds pretty stupid to some, but I bet many of you feel the same way. Nobody likes to be told what to do. And nobody likes to be scoffed at for not following the herd. And as I said, this movement is becoming trendy and almost to the point of fashionable instead of functional.

Now guys, how long were you waiting until I finally mentioned the man with the corrugated head? Of course I’m referring to the 21st century’s version of Chicken Little, himself, Mr. Albert Goreknob. OK, OK, I’ve talked about Uncle Al several times in past blogs, but who else is the earth’s champion of Prius driving do-gooders? This man is selling his version of the “Day After Tomorrow” at a hundred and fifty grand per lecture while his wide-eyed audiences long for a play date with the gorillas in the mist in some Central American rain forest. Al may be stiffer than a Viagra test patient, but he is one smart son of a bitch. He has single handedly turned this global warming threat into a cottage industry and has resurrected himself from a zero personality jackass who actually lost an election to GWB, to Mr. Rolled up sleeves, jeans wearin’ cool dude, savior of humanity. I’ve watched several of his presentations on You Tube and they are indeed allegories of doom and gloom – cleverly presented with the annihilation of Pompei mixed with a sprinkling of 9 / 11. And as stated many times, there are scientists the world over who do not believe in the severity of his global warming doom-speak and have challenged him publically, but to no avail.

In recent weeks there have been devastating earthquakes, cyclones, and killer tornadoes, and people like my mother who Gore spoon-feeds his greens, believe Al is a prophet. Well, I think Al is profiting all right. Again, many scientists the world over believe that global warming is not the culprit, but instead, the earth going though natural shift and changes in its chemistry and foundation. I think that our ex-vice president may be right about many of the things he says, but I am having trouble - tremendous trouble buying into his Code Red mentality. I give the guy an A+ for marketing and milking this for all it’s worth. He has literally created a trend – a new way of approaching life the world over, and has won a Pulitzer and an Oscar. The guy has gone from Dudley Doofus to guitar hero rockstar and that’s gotta feel pretty damned good (even though he still has to look at Tipper’s planetary sized rump.) He’s got his own little mosh pit going, filled with Obama lovers, the Hollyweird left, tree-hugging granola junkies, and solar panel salesmen. He is the leader of the green movement and the world is his platform.

But something inside me doesn't like being sold. Something inside me doesn't like being told what to do. I'll be good to the planet and do my part, but as an ex-advertising and marketing executive of twenty years, I know a good sell when I see one and it feels like we're all watching just one great big infomercial and Al's got the 800 number with all the goods you could ever need. He slices and dices... but wait, there's more! Something inside me doesn't like being a rube.

"But what if Gore's right" , my mom asks me in her nervous and quivering voice.

" I got it covered mom - I'm converting the Jeep to run on bat shit and I'm planting a tobacco plant."

Have a wacky Wednesday, people,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigar Blog with the Zman