I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Today I give you, The easiest jobs in the world – cushy, great pay, nice hours, great perks. I’m not saying you would want these jobs, but damned, if life don’t get a whole lot easier. Here we go…
#3 - The Gym Teacher
There he stands with shorts and sneaks, marking upon that mighty clipboard with staunch authority. Who's got black sox on? Who's not wearing a jock? Did everybody take a shower? These are the demanding and most difficult questions that our guardian of playtime will ask as he rules the hardwood floor with an iron whistle. Today is dodge ball day, and he garners cheap thrills watching as the rotund, the meek and the geeks take a relentless punishing. Their lack of social acceptance and physical prowess makes them easy prey for the gaggle of jocks who sling their rubber sphere with torrid aggression and precision. Co-ed volleyball is his favorite as he watches the young nymphs jumping and bouncing as their rapidly changing nubile bodies complete with hormonal fluctuations have the sophomore boys writhing in an internal pubescent rage. Basketball is a humorous dilemma as the very tall wreak havok amongst those with average height as one simply cannot fight the forces of gravity. And floor hockey becomes a deadly joust as plastic blades collide causing multiple cases of head trauma, and not necessarily the one atop the neck. The bell doth ring and another forty minutes has given way as the kommandant of the lockers prepares to explain where babies come from in next period’s sixth grade health class. He is a god…he is the phys ed teacher.
#2 - The Weatherman
The standing joke amongst all folks these days is: “Where can you be wrong 50% of the time and still be on television and get paid a shit load of money? The Don of Doppler is properly known as a meteorologist but we rarely hear these toothy, grinning jackasses talk about giant balls of fire hurtling across the night sky. Their playful banter with the news anchors keeps the crew in stitches as the local TV weatherman stands before a green screen with nothing really behind him. He points to a spot that’s supposed to be northern New Jersey, but it could be an unflattering photo of Harvey Fiersetin for all he knows. Actually, I’m not sure if there are any flattering photos of Harvey Fierstein and I’m not inclined to visit Google Images to find that out.
“Tomorrow it might rain…or…it might not…but it’s all depending if this front blows out to sea just like the smoke I’m blowing up your ass because I don’t have a f@#king clue what’s gonna happen more than two hours from now and you know it.” These clowns have a sun index, a heat index, a pollen index, a smog index but they don’t have the ability to get one main thing right: predicting the weather. “Tomorrow will be in the 80’s.” Well that’s a range of ten degrees there, Sam Champion, don’t cha think ya might wanna nail that down a tad? “Right now it’s cloudy and cold.” Really Nostradamus? That’s putting yerself out there on a ledge. “Tomorrow will be hot so wear your sun screen.” Thanks a bunch, C. Everett Coop. What would we do without you?
Of course the biggest farce of all is the “five-day” forecast. How goddamned stupid do they think we are for crissakes? On Sunday you said Wednesday would be 70 and partly sunny and it’s cloudy, rainy and 56 degrees. I know, I know, a cold front came in from Canada. You f@#king guys are always blaming the Canadians for our bad weather. Those people get a bad rap and you know you’re just making that shit up. What, are you gonna blame Iran? No, you pick the closest country and make them the bad guys.
“There might be some rain headed in the forecast later in the week, Bill.” This is like a movie teaser. What a load of Shineola. This overpaid stuffed shirt wants to be a talk show host but doing the weather in Syracuse, New York is all just a part of the “payin’ yer dues” process and he knows that keeping Joe Q. Public in suspense for another five days bides him some time until Access Hollywood calls.
And the job that comes in at number one is…
Until Tomorrow the answer doth come...
Tommy Z.
JR Cigar Blog With the Zman
#3 - The Gym Teacher
There he stands with shorts and sneaks, marking upon that mighty clipboard with staunch authority. Who's got black sox on? Who's not wearing a jock? Did everybody take a shower? These are the demanding and most difficult questions that our guardian of playtime will ask as he rules the hardwood floor with an iron whistle. Today is dodge ball day, and he garners cheap thrills watching as the rotund, the meek and the geeks take a relentless punishing. Their lack of social acceptance and physical prowess makes them easy prey for the gaggle of jocks who sling their rubber sphere with torrid aggression and precision. Co-ed volleyball is his favorite as he watches the young nymphs jumping and bouncing as their rapidly changing nubile bodies complete with hormonal fluctuations have the sophomore boys writhing in an internal pubescent rage. Basketball is a humorous dilemma as the very tall wreak havok amongst those with average height as one simply cannot fight the forces of gravity. And floor hockey becomes a deadly joust as plastic blades collide causing multiple cases of head trauma, and not necessarily the one atop the neck. The bell doth ring and another forty minutes has given way as the kommandant of the lockers prepares to explain where babies come from in next period’s sixth grade health class. He is a god…he is the phys ed teacher.
#2 - The Weatherman
The standing joke amongst all folks these days is: “Where can you be wrong 50% of the time and still be on television and get paid a shit load of money? The Don of Doppler is properly known as a meteorologist but we rarely hear these toothy, grinning jackasses talk about giant balls of fire hurtling across the night sky. Their playful banter with the news anchors keeps the crew in stitches as the local TV weatherman stands before a green screen with nothing really behind him. He points to a spot that’s supposed to be northern New Jersey, but it could be an unflattering photo of Harvey Fiersetin for all he knows. Actually, I’m not sure if there are any flattering photos of Harvey Fierstein and I’m not inclined to visit Google Images to find that out.
“Tomorrow it might rain…or…it might not…but it’s all depending if this front blows out to sea just like the smoke I’m blowing up your ass because I don’t have a f@#king clue what’s gonna happen more than two hours from now and you know it.” These clowns have a sun index, a heat index, a pollen index, a smog index but they don’t have the ability to get one main thing right: predicting the weather. “Tomorrow will be in the 80’s.” Well that’s a range of ten degrees there, Sam Champion, don’t cha think ya might wanna nail that down a tad? “Right now it’s cloudy and cold.” Really Nostradamus? That’s putting yerself out there on a ledge. “Tomorrow will be hot so wear your sun screen.” Thanks a bunch, C. Everett Coop. What would we do without you?
Of course the biggest farce of all is the “five-day” forecast. How goddamned stupid do they think we are for crissakes? On Sunday you said Wednesday would be 70 and partly sunny and it’s cloudy, rainy and 56 degrees. I know, I know, a cold front came in from Canada. You f@#king guys are always blaming the Canadians for our bad weather. Those people get a bad rap and you know you’re just making that shit up. What, are you gonna blame Iran? No, you pick the closest country and make them the bad guys.
“There might be some rain headed in the forecast later in the week, Bill.” This is like a movie teaser. What a load of Shineola. This overpaid stuffed shirt wants to be a talk show host but doing the weather in Syracuse, New York is all just a part of the “payin’ yer dues” process and he knows that keeping Joe Q. Public in suspense for another five days bides him some time until Access Hollywood calls.
And the job that comes in at number one is…
Until Tomorrow the answer doth come...
Tommy Z.
JR Cigar Blog With the Zman
Posted by zman at 11:51 AM | Link | 29 comments
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Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
JR Cigar Blogger. Just bait the hook;read the responses; and enjoy the free cigars!!!
Posted by Brian W on May 21, 2008 at 11:59 AM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Damn, Brian beat me to it.
JR Cigar Blogger.
This guy sits around all day looking for easy targets to throw his sartorial barbs at. Doesn't need to follow any corporate dress code (probably sits around all day in his boxers and a t-shirt). Occasionally, has to go on all-expense-paid trips to South and Central America to visit cigar factories. Hardest part of the day is deciding what cigar to light up in the morning, afternoon and eventing.
JR Cigar Blogger.
This guy sits around all day looking for easy targets to throw his sartorial barbs at. Doesn't need to follow any corporate dress code (probably sits around all day in his boxers and a t-shirt). Occasionally, has to go on all-expense-paid trips to South and Central America to visit cigar factories. Hardest part of the day is deciding what cigar to light up in the morning, afternoon and eventing.
Posted by lgiamo on May 21, 2008 at 12:08 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Damn, Brian and Igiamo beat me to it.
JR Cigar Blogger, without question! LMLO!!! You don't even hafta know what the words you use mean, but you gotta try to sound erudite and learned.
Yeah, Z - I'm takin' a shot at ya... I know it's a bitch havin' to work so hard and generate something supposedly of interest every single day.
Well, actually, it's not every single day, now is it? It's actually only a portion of "every single day", because this gig is a Monday-thru-Friday deal. Yup - not even three quarters of "every single day". In fact, just slightly more than 70% of "every single day".
But hey - it's WORK! And so what if you don't know the difference between "whose" and "who's"... I mean, c'mon - there are a LOT of words in the English language! Thousands! Hell, prolly more than that!
LOTS of 'em, I tell ya! Words, I mean. Ya can't really expect a guy to know how to use ALL of 'em. And besides, there's all these variations - blue, bleu, blew and there, their, they're and the whole its/it's thing, not to mention hear/here. All that stuff is what editors are for anyway, right?? LOL Sure as hell a spell checker won't help with those, so they're probably not that important anyhow. Besides, everyone will know what you mean. But sure as hell, if you screw it up, some friggin' a-hole will point it out to you!
Yeah, Z's got one tough job, I tell ya. We should all have it so rough! ;)
JR Cigar Blogger, without question! LMLO!!! You don't even hafta know what the words you use mean, but you gotta try to sound erudite and learned.
Yeah, Z - I'm takin' a shot at ya... I know it's a bitch havin' to work so hard and generate something supposedly of interest every single day.
Well, actually, it's not every single day, now is it? It's actually only a portion of "every single day", because this gig is a Monday-thru-Friday deal. Yup - not even three quarters of "every single day". In fact, just slightly more than 70% of "every single day".
But hey - it's WORK! And so what if you don't know the difference between "whose" and "who's"... I mean, c'mon - there are a LOT of words in the English language! Thousands! Hell, prolly more than that!
LOTS of 'em, I tell ya! Words, I mean. Ya can't really expect a guy to know how to use ALL of 'em. And besides, there's all these variations - blue, bleu, blew and there, their, they're and the whole its/it's thing, not to mention hear/here. All that stuff is what editors are for anyway, right?? LOL Sure as hell a spell checker won't help with those, so they're probably not that important anyhow. Besides, everyone will know what you mean. But sure as hell, if you screw it up, some friggin' a-hole will point it out to you!
Yeah, Z's got one tough job, I tell ya. We should all have it so rough! ;)
Posted by cottygee on May 21, 2008 at 12:40 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Hardest part of the day is deciding what cigar to light up in the morning, afternoon and eventing.
- Posted by lgiamo
This is actually posing one hell of a dillema at this very moment.
- Posted by lgiamo
This is actually posing one hell of a dillema at this very moment.
Posted by zman on May 21, 2008 at 12:45 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
OK, so we all know the obvious answer to number 1, but Zman has it right with the damned gym teacher. Teachers get paid well now in the 21st century and watching senior girls boobs jiggle and kids play touch football isn't exactly up their with rocket science. Very cushy indeed. Funny as hell stuff, Z.
Posted by Trogladyte on May 21, 2008 at 1:05 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
And of course, you also have to figure out what kind of liquid refreshment to have with your cigar.
Since it's after 12:00 noon there, you can actually have a beer or scotch now and not be considered a true alcoholic (drinking before noon).
And you have it all over weathermen; they have to be right about half the time (either it will or won't rain).
You can be wrong ALL the time and nobody really cares. Yeah, I know, some of the faithful will correct some of your more egregious mistakes, but that's really just to knock you down a peg or two, off your high horse.
Since it's after 12:00 noon there, you can actually have a beer or scotch now and not be considered a true alcoholic (drinking before noon).
And you have it all over weathermen; they have to be right about half the time (either it will or won't rain).
You can be wrong ALL the time and nobody really cares. Yeah, I know, some of the faithful will correct some of your more egregious mistakes, but that's really just to knock you down a peg or two, off your high horse.
Posted by roadlizard7 on May 21, 2008 at 1:12 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
For example,
Posted by zman
"And number the job that comes in at number one is…"
What the hell does that mean?
Posted by zman
"And number the job that comes in at number one is…"
What the hell does that mean?
Posted by roadlizard7 on May 21, 2008 at 1:15 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Where, I don't see that anywhere?
Posted by zman on May 21, 2008 at 1:16 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Quick fix, you slick sucker.
Posted by roadlizard7 on May 21, 2008 at 1:17 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
I have it on the utmost high authority that the grammatical and syntax errors on today's blog that have suddenly and inexplicably disappeared are the work of the "Blog Fairy". I have absolutely NO DOUBT that this information is completely accurate. These changes *ARE* in fact the work of the Blog Fairy! LMLO
Posted by cottygee on May 21, 2008 at 1:21 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
I have no comment on that one. Next...
Posted by zman on May 21, 2008 at 1:23 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
"I have it on the utmost high authority that the grammatical and syntax errors on today's blog that have suddenly and inexplicably disappeared are the work of the "Blog Fairy". I have absolutely NO DOUBT that this information is completely accurate. These changes *ARE* in fact the work of the Blog Fairy! LMLO" cottygee
i don't think zman would allow a Blog Fairy to touch his work. A Blog Nymph say about 5'8" blond, blue eyes, large assets. Now she could touch his work.
i don't think zman would allow a Blog Fairy to touch his work. A Blog Nymph say about 5'8" blond, blue eyes, large assets. Now she could touch his work.
Posted by lgiamo on May 21, 2008 at 1:34 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
"And number the job that comes in at number one is…"
And with stuff like that you know he's probably half fried when he's writing this stuff!
And with stuff like that you know he's probably half fried when he's writing this stuff!
Posted by dodger_fan on May 21, 2008 at 1:35 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
You callin' Zman a fairy?
Posted by roadlizard7 on May 21, 2008 at 1:40 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
My sexual orientation is not at question here. Wait a minute...didn't Kitty Canine say that?
Posted by zman on May 21, 2008 at 1:44 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
I have it on good authority that Tommy isn't the blog fairy here. Someone shout the magic word, and hesheit might come for a visit.
personally, this one cracked me the hell up. Our peteorologist told us that there was a tornado on the way into town, and I guess he was sort of right, because the F4 only missed us by a little bit. I'm not sure if he got lucky this time by being right, or by not being right.
Trust me, ragging on people can be pretty damned hard work, unless you're just a stupid ass that enjoys doing it.
I'm willing to give The Big Z the benefit of doubt, and believe him when he says that it's hard work, even if it's easier to believe that he's just a stupid ass that enjoys it.
Have a good one, tommy.
personally, this one cracked me the hell up. Our peteorologist told us that there was a tornado on the way into town, and I guess he was sort of right, because the F4 only missed us by a little bit. I'm not sure if he got lucky this time by being right, or by not being right.
Trust me, ragging on people can be pretty damned hard work, unless you're just a stupid ass that enjoys doing it.
I'm willing to give The Big Z the benefit of doubt, and believe him when he says that it's hard work, even if it's easier to believe that he's just a stupid ass that enjoys it.
Have a good one, tommy.
Posted by briandg on May 21, 2008 at 2:17 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
You guys realize we're blowing his whole blog for tomorrow, right? Unless he was going to pick bra fitter at Victoria's Secret....but I don't think they let men do that.
Posted by dodger_fan on May 21, 2008 at 3:05 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Bra fitter... LOL - talk about ruining tomorrow's blog!
Posted by cottygee on May 21, 2008 at 3:40 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
The easiest job has to be grading Paris Hilton's IQ test. Nothing but a blank sheet of paper. LMAO!!!!
Posted by Garfiend on May 21, 2008 at 4:03 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
"You guys realize we're blowing his whole blog for tomorrow, right? Unless he was going to pick bra fitter at Victoria's Secret....but I don't think they let men do that.
Posted by dodger_fan "
Ya know, I did apply for that job, but they said I wasn't right for the position. I think I'm going to sue based on discrimination. The other job I would like is a judge for the Miss Hooter's Bikini Contest. I don't know if any of you saw it the other night, but I almost had to watch it from a cold shower.
Posted by dodger_fan "
Ya know, I did apply for that job, but they said I wasn't right for the position. I think I'm going to sue based on discrimination. The other job I would like is a judge for the Miss Hooter's Bikini Contest. I don't know if any of you saw it the other night, but I almost had to watch it from a cold shower.
Posted by lgiamo on May 21, 2008 at 6:20 PM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Posted by cottygee on May 21, 2008 at 12:40 PM
Well, actually, it's not every single day, now is it? It's actually only a portion of "every single day", because this gig is a Monday-thru-Friday deal. Yup - not even three quarters of "every single day". In fact, just slightly more than 70% of "every single day".
Blog Fairy's Editor says that cottygee should be reminded that in
English, commas and periods are NOT placed outside quotation marks.
They are always placed inside in formal writing.
***And neither the Blog Fairy nor I had anything to do with deletion of
grammatical or syntactical errors purported to be extant in today's
fairly well written rant.
Well, actually, it's not every single day, now is it? It's actually only a portion of "every single day", because this gig is a Monday-thru-Friday deal. Yup - not even three quarters of "every single day". In fact, just slightly more than 70% of "every single day".
Blog Fairy's Editor says that cottygee should be reminded that in
English, commas and periods are NOT placed outside quotation marks.
They are always placed inside in formal writing.
***And neither the Blog Fairy nor I had anything to do with deletion of
grammatical or syntactical errors purported to be extant in today's
fairly well written rant.
Posted by Blog Fairy's Helper on May 22, 2008 at 7:48 AM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Uh, somebody should tell the fairy there are dictionaries on line. Nobody says they were "extant". Extant means - current - not lost. That was our whole point - they disappeared.
Posted by dodger_fan on May 22, 2008 at 8:16 AM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Do not argue with the blog fairy. He is old, cranky, and owns the weapon of choice for eastern block mercenaries. I advise you to take heed.
Thank you,
The Management
Thank you,
The Management
Posted by zman on May 22, 2008 at 9:14 AM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
The scimitar? No problem; I hear the blog fairy is SOOO fat (fatter than yo mama?) that he couldn't catch me if he tried.
Posted by roadlizard7 on May 22, 2008 at 10:25 AM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Posted by Blog Fairy's Helper on May 22, 2008 at 7:48 AM
> >
> > Blog Fairy's Editor says that cottygee should be
> > reminded that in English, commas and periods are NOT
> > placed outside quotation marks. They are always placed
> > inside in formal writing.
> >
> >
Ya know, I didn't know that! Ya learn somethin' new ever day... 'Course, if I was a **PROFESSIONAL WRITER**, I'd expect that I would probably know details like that.
> >
> > Blog Fairy's Editor says that cottygee should be
> > reminded that in English, commas and periods are NOT
> > placed outside quotation marks. They are always placed
> > inside in formal writing.
> >
> >
Ya know, I didn't know that! Ya learn somethin' new ever day... 'Course, if I was a **PROFESSIONAL WRITER**, I'd expect that I would probably know details like that.
Posted by cottygee on May 22, 2008 at 11:11 AM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Being a professional writer does not require one to use perfect grammar, spelling, or even good skills. One simply writes at a level that would be accepted and understood by his target audience, and his target audience will be drawn to his works, basing their desire to read and enjoy said writer's material on whether or not they can understand and identify with it.
In other words, if intellect and correct usage of the language mattered, you'd be reading Buckley.
It's just a good thing that Tommy can dumb down his writing well enough that you guys can feel comfortable with it, I figure.
In other words, if intellect and correct usage of the language mattered, you'd be reading Buckley.
It's just a good thing that Tommy can dumb down his writing well enough that you guys can feel comfortable with it, I figure.
Posted by briandg on May 22, 2008 at 11:23 AM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
You many be correct, Mr. dg. Probably a **PROFESSIONAL EDITOR/BLOG FAIRY** should know that stuff tho. ;)
Posted by cottygee on May 22, 2008 at 11:44 AM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
PS: BLOG FAIRY IS NOT ME.
Honest.
Honest.
Posted by zman on May 22, 2008 at 11:51 AM
Re: I Give You...The World’s Easiest Jobs
Being a professional writer does not require one to use perfect grammar, spelling, or even good skills. One simply writes at a level that would be accepted and understood by his target audience, and his target audience will be drawn to his works, basing their desire to read and enjoy said writer's material on whether or not they can understand and identify with it. - Briandg
Wow...sniffle, sniff... that brought tears to my eyes.
Wow...sniffle, sniff... that brought tears to my eyes.
Posted by zman on May 22, 2008 at 11:58 AM
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