Mr. Z Visits Washington
June 29th, 2009
From last Thursday to Sunday (yesterday) the Z family drove to the land of politico stooges – Washington DC. I’ve been to DC, but never did the full tour until now, and I can tell you, it is an absolutely spectacular place to visit. To say that it’s just a bunch of statues, museums, and big buildings is not only a gross understatement, but you slander the millions over the years who have toiled to make our nation’s capital one of the most breathtaking places you’ll ever happen to enjoy.
First off if you ever plan to do the tour, KNOW that you will walk the sidewalks and streets for miles on end and your legs and feet will ache beyond comprehension. Each morning I had a Motrin omelet with three pots of coffee to get me revved and going. Plus the fact that the temperature was in the high 90’s sure added to the difficulty of moving around. Of course my kids are 14 and 18 so they were pretty much fine. I, on the other hand was limping like a wounded grouse caught in a hunting trap. Even my wife who walks miles every day and is in great shape, was dragging terribly. I wished I could have rented a rickshaw and a massage therapist for the duration – happy ending, optional – no, not from the rickshaw guy.
We stayed across the river in Arlington and made use of the Washington Metro, an amazing subway service that gets you where you want to go cheap and fast. (Yes, it’s the same train line that had that horrible accident last week.) First stop was the Whitehouse and you get to see all of the crazies picketing, waving banners and shouting, like loons. Every time we walked by I would yell out, “Hell NO, we wont go!” I felt like a real rebel. Then some old lady kneed me in the groin and called me a pinko.
If you’ve toured through Washington, you understand the grandeur I speak of. But if you’ve never been there, then it’s hard to even put into to words for you how grandiose it really is. There are buildings made of marble and concrete with ornate carvings and Roman columns that span ten football fields across. You think about the time period that these places were built in, and wonder how it all happened and how much massive. manpower it took to complete. The Capitol Building and the Library of Congress are SO overly ornate, painted, sculpted and mosaic tiled that I was in awe (and pain) every step of the way.
Then there are the museums that one could spend days on end in each – the Air and Space Museum, the American History Museum, and the Holocaust Museum (yes, the same spot the guard was killed in several weeks ago) were indescribably breathtaking. I got to see Archie Bunker’s chair and Seinfeld’s puffy shirt, the Wright brother’s plane, and an Apollo space capsule. But nothing is more sobering than hours spent in remembrance of those who endured the grotesque pain of Nazi hatred. I learned a hell of a lot more than I ever knew about the holocaust and what actually led up to it. Seeing in person the real prison uniforms, luggage, shoes, hair, and belongings of those who had their lives erased was surreal and so very humbling.
But for the good news, I DID get to smoke a few cigars in some very wonderful shops. Friday afternoon I spent several hours at W. Curtis Draper, Tobacconist, located about two blocks from the Whitehouse, on 14th Street. It’s the fourth oldest tobacco shop in the U.S. (around 120 years old) and it is an oasis for the weary traveler in need of a smoke and fine companionship. Owners John and Matt spent the entire time talking cigars with me and sharing their concerns about the tobacco taxes, anti smoke laws, and the new FDA inheritance of governing tobacco. Even though they face a hell of a battle, their spirits are high and have countless friends who enter the doors to purchase a leafy diversion from life. The guys are doing some excellent “outside the box” thinking to cater to their customer base, including diners where you have a pre-meal cigar reception at the store, a multi-course feast at a local eatery (no smoking as the laws dictate), then back to the store for post meal smokes. Everyone from highbrow politicians, military personnel, businessmen, and everyday botl’s like you and me, are the clientele, and Rudy Guliani makes it a regular stop when visiting. And if you love cigars like me, it will become a regular stop upon every visit.
Another wonderful place to stroll is Georgetown with it’s beautiful college campus and cosmopolitan streets with trendy shops, restaurants, and Georgetown Tobacco, where I found the people to be wonderfully friendly and again, true tobacconists in every sense of the word. Wandering M Street with a big-ass AVO hanging from my jaw was a pleasure after our brick over pizza feast at Pizza Paradiso. On a nice day, this is a terrific place to peruse.
Can’t forget General George’s house in Mount Vernon. It’s a three story colonial mansion built on gorgeous farmland, with a breathtaking view of the Potomic River. Walking through the house that our nation’s founder lived in was pretty incredible. You get to see the actual bed he died in, which is ultra creepy, along with his tomb, but I say it’s a must visit if you’re in the area. GW also owned a distillery 2 miles up the road where over 11,000 gallons of hootch was produced back in colonial times. The original gristmill is still in operation and a very cool thing to see.
Sunday morning before leaving we visited the Lincoln Memorial and the stunning Vietnam Wall – another sobering reminder of war and the wake of sadness it leaves behind. The amount of names inscribed in that stone is something you don’t expect. And I wanted to mention that about three years ago in DC we toured the Arlington Cemetery, an experience that changes you when you leave the grounds. Time didn’t permit us going this time around, but I will again on my next visit, for sure.
Wow… we did a lot…saw a lot… and I complained that I ached a lot. Plus I drove everyone nuts because I stop to drink and pee every five minutes, where my wife can go all day without stopping like a god damned camel. We had a tremendous time and I would not only recommend it highly, but I’ll do it again in the future. If you can try to forget the fact that the politico dirtbags of society inhabit the city in droves, I guarantee you’ll have an amazing time, as my family and I did. Just MAKE SURE to stock up on your painkiller of choice.
Have a great week my Patriots,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman























At our home field we have a little hill on the first base side that the parents perch themselves on. It’s a great vantage point to see all aspects of play. And as you might expect, there is nothing I love more than sparking up a good cigar during a game. No one seems to mind as they all know that I’m a complete ash-hole and many will even compliment how good it smells – uh, I’m talking about my cigar.
Take ME for instance. I am a truly a lifelong horned pig. I think about woman maybe even more than I did as a kid in my late teens. Sometimes I think, “You know Z, there is really something mentally unstable with you.” But then I talk to other guys and they are every bit as bizarrely perverse. And as you get older, your standards drop like a lead buffoon and almost nothing is sacred any longer… case in point, this past weekend: My nieces first holy communion. Only a man can take a wonderful, lovely family event and turn it into his own personal Cougar hunt.
It was a gorgeous day this past Saturday and families were dressed in their finest garb to witness the little one’s first communion. But the daddies in church were treated to a lot more than the handing out the hosts. I can tell you in all my years I have NEVER seen such a gathering of insanely hot looking women at any church event anywhere in the history of man. One mom after another wore sleek dresses with high slits showing gams a plenty while displaying her mountains majesty. It was enough to make a monsignor stop thinking about alter boys for five minutes. All right, all right, that was uncalled for – okay, maybe not, but my point is valid. And what point is that? I’m not sure right now because I keep thinking about the cavalcade of mommies that drove me nuts while standing in a house of the Lord. Over and over, one incredibly gorgeous honey after another entered the parish, and over and over my impure thoughts rattled my cage like an uncontrolled smash into the wall at Daytona.
I ask myself over and over, “what the hell is wrong with me,” but it is God himself who is to blame for my thoughts of ludity while hanging in his houses of the holy. For it is our maker who hath given man his gratuitous lust for jiggling flesh of the female variety. It is the good Lord who ramped up our testosterone and bestowed upon us the ability to stand at attention at the mere sight of the slightest sign of cleavage or booty. And just what the bloody hell is a woman doing exposing cleavage in church? I’m damned serious. That is just wrong, wrong, wrong.
Jesus H Christmas… the Swine Flu. God damn it to hell, Swing friggin flu! What the hell, man? We’ve got all this annoying crapolla going on in the world and some pig has to f the world up with his stinkin’ hogged out germs. I mean, how much do you hate this shit? Our economy sucks a like Hoover and now this god forsaken pig virus comes along and pisses on our already turned over apple cart.
I am just not up for a world-crippling pandemic… are you? Come on, I lose 80% of the blog, my favorite hockey team goes down in a heap of flames, David Hasselhoff is stinking drunk and passed out again, and now THIS. It’s in 30 states and 19 countries and the TV news just won’t shut the f@#k up about it. Please, news people, just shut the f@#k up about Swine Flu. I’m not kidding. Go back to telling us about rapes, murders, and fetuses found in dumpsters behind schools, yada, yada, yada.
Remember the West Nile virus? That was supposed to wipe us off the face of the planet. What the hell happened there? What a bogus pandemic wannabee that was, huh? Oooooo, mosquitos bite some sick birds then bite a human or two and the world is eating Soilent Green before you know it. (I have no idea what that really meant, but it seems to fill up space quite nicely.)
All I know is that I don’t need no stinkin’ Swine Flu and I don’t want to hear about this, 24/7. No more. Stop with the Swine. Stop with the Chicken Little Doom and gloom. I’m not being cavalier about this, I’m just not going to succumb to the fear mongering of the journalists who have conveniently forgotten that there’s anything else to talk about. I’ll bet there’s a good ten confirmed cases of ass itch in New Jersey right about now, but you don’t see Wolf Blitzer getting all lathered up about that, do ya?